THANKFUL FRIDAY

Yoga outside

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The week before they officially closed the Institute was really hard. There were just three of us left in my department, which left me dealing with all eleven of our microscope systems as well as a handful of small microscopes we keep on a different floor. We still had scientists using these systems. The Institute is a home for many graduate students and postdocs who’s research and experiments are vital to them being able to graduate and move on. The lab is their life. Near the end of the week when my supervisor finally closed all of our microscopes, I spent the rest of my time telling people “no” and “I don’t know.” The look of despair and disappointment on their faces when they realized that would not be able to do just one more experiment, wrecked me. I sat at my desk crying while reading texts from Jeff and Sarah, my coworkers who were already working from home, telling me to go home.

I just felt defeated.

There was more to it than just the feeling of defeat though. So much of what I do is hands on work. My job is centered around solving other people’s problems. I didn’t know what I was going to do with myself or how I was going to be of any value by working from home. Michael has serious fears and anxiety over contracting the virus. He dreads the odd errand that has him leaving the house. My fears and anxiety are centered around not leaving the house. So, I had to do something to ease those fears and soothe those anxieties. I had to find a way to fill up my day with something of value. The Python coding class I am taking does some of that. My department also meets for a Journal Club Zoom meeting once a week and there is a tutorial on using a new image processing software that started this week. We have lab meetings on Fridays, as well as Friday Science Club.

I am busy.

My job has shifted from solving other people’s problems to solving my own problems. The shift has been a HUGE adjustment. I can’t remember when I have ever had a block of time to just focus on solving my own problems and at times I am literally solving problems. Coding is hard. Getting that imaging processing software installed on to my work computer was hard, but I did it. I am doing it. My group all meet in Zoom for tea time earlier this week and some where saying that they kind of like working from home. I smiled, but shook my head. I do not like it and I look forward to going back to solving others’ problems. That’s okay. I don’t have to like the current state of things. I do things I don’t like all the time, like torture class for example. I do those strength training exercises because they are good for me; they make my body a better body. I like to think that spending this time focusing on my own problems is going to make me better at solving those problems for others.

I love myself and see challenges as a way to grow stronger — Manifest Your Unlimited Potential, Mark Guay

I have stuck pretty well with this week’s goals. I’m working. I’m taking a moment in the day to be creative. I am somewhat active. At least, I seem to be shrinking. The number on the scale was a happy surprise this week. Little by little, the new enclosure for the chickens is coming together. My yoga practice feels strong. I got myself (safely) into a pose that I have not been able to do since I turned forty. At the end of each day, my body and brain are so exhausted that I have no problems going to bed at my usual hour. The day to day of things sometimes wears on all of us in this house and there have been some snappy moments, but there have also been moments of stupid laughter. So the gratitude for this weeks comes in the form of settling in to the things I don’t like to do.

And the moments of stupid laughter.