THE LAND OF THE WITCHES

Saturday evening, Michael and I sat by ourselves at a table in the corner of a reception hall and watched as our friends Jenn and Wade made their way through the crowd, thanking people for coming to their wedding. I looked at the people in the crowd and realized that I hardly knew anyone there. There were less than a handful of people that I knew. I did not care about this because I was really only there to celebrate the union of Jenn and Wade. Also, Jenn had asked me to take some pictures of her during a private moment between Jenn and Wade when they would see each other for the first time before the ceremony. So Michael and I sat at our table, filling out the wedding games that had been left on the table and eating charcuterie. I said to Michael “I don’t get it. Why has Jenn latched onto me? Of all the people we’ve met through camp, what is it about me?” Look, I’m not saying that there’s something unlikable about me. It’s just that Jenn is cool, like Pink Lady Rizzo cool and while I’m not as prude as Sandy, I am probably as dorky and unhip as Sandy.

Michael said “Well, look at who Jenn’s just married. Wade is just a really good person and Jenn’s a really good judge of character. She recognizes good people when she sees them.” He’s not wrong about Wade. Wade is the nicest, most generous human. He’s interested in whatever you have to say no matter what you’re talking about. He’s a total nerd like me and he gives excellent hugs. Plus, when he looks at Jenn, his face says it all. She’s his one. Finding the one and having the opportunity to share your life with that person is a very special gift. The next morning, Jenn sent me a text thanking me for being there and taking pictures. I was in the middle of editing those pictures when she texted. I responded to her with a similar question I’d presented to Michael and told her that I was editing those photos for her now.

Honey just you being you. You are a beautiful genuine soul who is always willing to dive deep and talk about REAL shit. Idk. I just love you. You’re stuck with me.

Jenn’s a pretty amazing human to be stuck with, but I am still awed by how it is possible to continue to make these important friend connections as we grow older. Making new adult friends is hard. We are all ruled by ridiculous color coded calendars. Life is busy. I am lucky.

Jenn’s text surprised me, not because of the nice things she said, but by how she sees me as someone who is willing and easily talks about the hard things. It’s one of those comments that made me tilt my head to the side like a curious puppy and ask “is that true?” I think she might be a little right. Like for instance, I write about a lot of difficult things in this space. I pour my heart out here, but there’s some environments where this is not true. I have a grievance that I have been holding onto because I cannot seem to find a way to broach the subject without encountering defensive maneuvering. This is with a person that I have struggled to communicate with for years and a grievance that comes and goes. Recently though, it has become intolerable. I’m noticing that the longer I go without saying anything, the more likely I am to say something mean or snappish. I have done a lot of biting of my own tongue. This person does not create the kind of environment where I feel comfortable with talking about real shit. At least not in the way that Jenn does or some other people in my life.

Tomorrow, I fly to Boston where I will then take a two hour drive by myself down to Woods Hole and the Marine Biology. I will stay in a room by myself. Take meals by myself. There will be a few solo adventures in between doing an inventory of our lab space and closing it down for the winter. I predict there will be hours and hours of nothing but the voices in my own head and that this will be a good opportunity to organize and write down my thoughts. Watching Jenn and Wade make promises to each other, made me think about what I want in my own life. My want is going to require me to create a comfortable environment where I can dive deep into talking about the real shit. This means that I will need to be able to present my grievance in a clear and constructive manner. Basically, I’m going to spend a week not talking while trying to find a way to talk.

I’m going to the land of witches in in hopes of finding my voice and the courage to use it.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Photography drawer

3 Likes, 0 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Photography drawer"

Last weekend, I scrubbed the kitchen floor, dusted the whole house, wiped down baseboards, swept and vacuumed. I changed the couch cover. I cleaned the bathroom. I did laundry. I put clean sheets on the bed. I cleaned out the filling cabinet (and found Chris’s certificate of ordination because of course). I cleaned the vacuum! I roasted four pans of tomatoes. I made a batch of breakfast quinoa for the week. I made a vegetarian Bolognese sauce to go with cauliflower gnocchi. I mopped the kitchen floor again when my tonic water exploded all over me and the kitchen. I ate boiled okra with stewed tomatoes, cannelloni beans (no one had black-eyed peas at the farmer’s market) and smoked trout. I wrote in my fortune cookie journal. I went to an art exhibit. I visited the foot spa place. Then, I sorted prints. I cleaned out a desk drawer and organized all of my camera stuff to fit neatly in that drawer. I made a spread sheet of photos I want to print for a showing, along with the sizes I want to print of each, how much it’s going to cost to print and how much it’s going to cost to frame each print. Then I printed out that spreadsheet and stuck it on the wall at my desk.

It was a pretty productive weekend. I did every thing on my mental list of things that I wanted to do.

I did not ask for a weekend to myself. Michael read my entry about wanting time for myself and he put together a plan to spend a weekend with his moms. This prompted a discussion of making this a thing that happens more than once a year. We also talked about asking for things we need. And when I say “we”, I mean me. I need to ask for the things I need for myself. I told Michael that I didn’t think that this was something I could ask for myself for a number of reasons. I didn’t want to hurt feelings. He has a way of saying “okay’ to things in a tone of voice that makes me think he’s not really okay with doing what I asked. I worried that if I asked for time alone, I would get a dejected, sad ‘okay’ response. Then I’d feel selfish for wanting time alone. Michael doesn’t have to ask for his alone time weekends because I instinctually just give them to him and because it feels like a normal thing to do. We have vastly different relationship backgrounds.

Chris and I often went on separate vacations. He would meet Traci for coffee and stay out late at least once a week. We had our own things without each other and we didn’t feel the need to keep tabs on each other. So having to ask for time alone just wasn’t necessary. I don’t know about all of Michael’s relationships, but from what I’ve heard, there were trust issues. In his world, if you were out late with a member of the opposite sex it probably meant that you were up to something shady. Just as we are learning to navigate around all of that baggage, we are also having to learn how to navigate communicating with different personalities, mindsets, egos. And I don’t mean ‘egos’ in a negative sense. We all have egos. Read some Freud. Communicating effectively with another human being is complicated at the best of times, let alone during the stressful times when effective communication is most important. Sometimes it feels like I am navigating the open seas with only the stars, no compass and I’m terrible with astronomy.

I am coming to terms with the idea that in my need to communicate my wants and feelings, I might ruffle some feathers. I can’t control how someone is going to react, but I can be respectful and mindful in my words. The other’s feelings are just as valid as mine are and there will be times when we just agree to disagree. I am grateful for my weekend on my own. I am grateful for all the things I accomplished in that time. More importantly, I am grateful for learning to ask for what I need. I am grateful for each lesson in communication.