CHANGE

Years ago, my yoga teacher told me that people both fear and crave change. There are a lot of emotions wrapped up in changes, not unlike the memory balls in Inside Out when touched by Joy and Sadness. Then there is the complexity of change itself. It something we can choose or sometimes chosen for us, often without warning. Those without warning changes that are thrust upon us often send a body into fight or flight mode. There’s trauma involved, but the changes we choose for ourselves comes with its own set of anxiety feelings.

Mostly doubt.

I’ve been thinking quite a bit lately about mobility, the aging body and how this plays into my yoga teaching practice. As I was putting together some slides of shoulder anatomy for a yoga strap workshop that I want to do, I had to resist turning my strap workshop into an anatomy/physiology class. The more I thought about the shoulder joint and the things we task that joint with, the more my idea of teaching shifted. I feel moved to teach others to move their bodies in a way that supports their joints and overall mobility. This does not include teaching a student how to wrap their foot around their head or other such pretzel poses that most westerners associated with the term ‘yoga’. This thought planted a seed in the back of my brain. What if I got certified in Yoga Therapy, supporting healthy body movement by working with a patients health care provider? What would that entail and how would that change my current career? I’ve been sitting quietly with this planted seed and all of these questions for some time.

Then I asked these questions out loud and that seed sprouted.

I have found a program (thanks, Shannon!) that offers a Master’s in Yoga Therapy and is taught by MDs, which feels more legit than a lot of programs I have looked at online taught by other yoga teachers. No offense to yoga teachers, but most do not have doctorates in anatomy and physiology. Many 200hr teacher credit courses don’t really even teach anatomy beyond the basics of this is an arm and that is a leg. I have opinions about that, but that’s another ranty post for another time. This program would basically be like going back to graduate school and when I told those around me about this, I was hit with a wave of support. I still have some questions and planning to do. There are things happening at work that may change how I do my job in the future. It’s the reason I’m making a quick return to MBL at the end of June. That change comes with a lot of uncertainty and may or may not even happen. The potential of it happening has me stepping back and slowing down on the return to graduate school idea. I think I’ve waited too late to apply for the Fall anyway, but I think this is good because it gives me time to carefully fill out financial aid forms and the application. I intend to apply for the next Fall enrollment.

I talked to Michael about this and the possible work changes last night and when I had told him every thing, he said “How do you feel?” I sighed and then said “I feel anxious and scared and little bit like I’m going to throw up.” Then he reminded me that I could always say no to the work change. He is supportive of the yoga therapy thing and told me that I am probably the only one he knows who has stuck with the same job/career path for as long as I have. I’ve been a research scientist for twenty four years! Becoming a Yoga Therapist would not change that. It would be something I would do part time that I intend to transition into full time when and if I retire. The other thing would change that and I have yet decided on how this would make me feel. Both of these changes are of my own choosing. Both of these changes are not or will be quick and drastic. These are long game changes. This does not me that I am not feeling a bit buzzy right now. Just keeping up with my calendar right now is making me want to breath into a paper bag. I think I have jury duty this month too…but have forgotten to add that to the calendar. Anyway, I told someone recently that things were going to slow down for me in May. I was wrong.

Things are going to slow down for me in July.

Maybe.

WHAT TO TELL

Bits and pieces. Flashes. Snapshots. I don’t know what to tell you about our trip. The first two or three days of my time was spent in conference rooms, listening to people present their research and chatting with my peers. I walked into the conference believing that I wasn’t smart enough to be there only to discover that my name was on at least four, if not five, posters being presented at the conference. Then three different people who I work with at different times told me how glad they were to see someone from the microscopy group attending the meeting. So, my mental state went from not smart enough to just about smart enough to be sitting at this table and that maybe it is time to update my resume.

While I conferenced, Michael and the Cabbage roamed the streets of Vancouver. They hopped on and off the bus and in and out of shops. They filled their bellies with raw fish and sweets. The Cabbage collected Canadian coins and buttons. They visited the Diaso multiple times, emerging with new flavor of Poky each time and some trinket. When I joined them for dinners, we’d eat more raw fish and I’d listen to them talk about the things they saw. Each day, I listened and watched as Michael fell more and more in love with the city. By the end of the week, he was looking up housing and the steps to becoming a Canadian citizen.

When I was finally done conferencing, Amani drove up from Seattle to spend the day with us. We laughed, we ate…Lord, how we ate, and we toured the city. We took Chris to the A-maze-ing Laughter sculpture and I left him in the hand of one of the laughing statues, laughing at the perfection of leaving Chris in the middle of laughing statues. Amani, ever so gently and sweetly, moved Chris’s ashes around to work him into the grooves of the statue hand, so that his ashes would linger there a little longer. She took the most hilarious and obscene photo of me with a statue. Our laughter over this photo was so deep that it became the soundless, breathless kind, leaving us gasping for air. The four of us walked ourselves to a foot spa for foot rubs before dinner. Highly recommended. Amani and I bought ridiculous matching t-shirts so we could laugh our heads off even more when we parted ways. How special it is to find such a friendship at this stage in life.

The next day, the three of us explored the markets and shops of Granville. The Cabbage discovered a water park where we let them play in the clothes they had on, being totally unprepared for a day of water play. They played for hours, while Michael and I roamed the shops, periodically checking in with them. This was our very last day and we savored every sight and meal. The next morning, we walked out of the hotel for the last time into a cool and overcast day and we made our way to the airport. The weather was fitting for the mood. We arrived in Vancouver under similar weather conditions, but the clouds broke away so that our week was filled with sunshine. Just like in my yoga classes when I start the class with a focus on the breath and end the class with a focus on the breath, we started our trip with clouds and ended it with clouds.

Since we were on separate airlines and flights, all of us had a different re-entry to this country. Yet both of us felt the same way, like we’d we returned to the land of hot and angry. People were no longer polite and kind, like the people in the city we had just left. Everyone in Vancouver was so nice, quick to say ‘Thank you’ and ‘excuse me’ or ask about your well being. The people in Vancouver were quick to show respect for the Indigenous people, admitting to stealing their land. They are open and accepting and welcoming. Michael came home with new goals, good life altering goals. We arrived home late and the next day we dragged ourselves out, jet-lagged, to buy groceries. We kept reminding ourselves to ‘be Canadians’, reminding ourselves to be patient and kind not just with each other, but with every person we encountered. This is why it is so important to experience international travel. You learn some valuable lessons.

Michael feels like there are some big changes for us on the horizon. We definitely had some serious conversations about our future and what that looks like for our relationship. I don’t know if there’s big changes ahead. For me, it’s enough to come home inspired for change. I feel like I’ve been gone for months and that I came home to a house that should have been covered with sheets before we left. I’ll spend the next few days unpacking and resettling into this space before I let myself begin to plan for possibilities. In the meantime, I am holding onto our new found mantra and making it a daily practice to be patient and kind.

DIET

We bought both

12 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "We bought both"

Michael sent me a text early last week asking me how I felt about the Keto diet. I was glad this was coming at me through text instead of face to face so he couldn’t see me roll my eyes and gag myself with my finger. This is my reaction to any fad diet or even to the word ‘diet’. So I replied by asking why he wanted to talk about this Keto diet. Things have gotten a little off the rails for him since his summer vacation started. He and the Cabbage often have fast-food lunches while they’re out and about during the day. Then there’s the snacks and the booze and he was feeling it. I suggested that we do a week long reset where we basically eat a vegan gluten-free diet without caffeine and alcohol. Surprisingly enough, he was completely on board. So we came up with a meal plan for the week and I carefully picked out recipes that are big on flavor so he wouldn’t miss stuff like cheese. And meat.

The first time I did this kind of reset, Chris and I were living in Oklahoma and I was in yoga teacher training. I did it for a week and it was the most difficult food week I have ever experienced. I did not know what I was doing. I was not a creative cook. Ingredients where hard to come by without spending a whole paycheck. Shopping took hours and hours because of all the label reading and the traveling to three different grocery stores. All of that combined with the sudden loss of the refined sugars and caffeine that I was used to made me want to punch people in their faces. This week has not been at all like that first week. There’s a few reasons for that. One is that I already mostly eat this way. When I do the grocery shopping for the week, most of groceries have to be refrigerated. Very few cans or packaged goods have to be put into the pantry. Our grocery gathering is split between two grocery stores: Trader Joe’s and Aldi. Both of these places make it really easy for me to buy unprocessed and healthy foods without breaking the bank. I ended up reading labels on a few items like enchilada sauce (contains sugar, made my own) and salsa (the Aldi Simply Nature line salsa contains sugar…don’t be fooled by branding), but most of the list consisted of fresh vegetables. You don’t have to really read those labels.

The meal plan for the week doesn’t look too different from another week except minus the cheese and maybe fish. We had quinoa stuffed portobello mushrooms with a kale salad one night and enchiladas the next. Buddha bowls are planned for one night and lintel sweet potato masala for another. Michael gets up in the morning and eats breakfast with me before he has to get the Cabbage up for summer camp. This morning we talked about making this a regular thing for at least the summer. Sunday through Thursday we’ll have vegan dinners and lunches. That gives us Friday and Saturday night to be more flexible with the meal. Maybe eat a pizza or cook a whole fish on Saturday. Try out a new restaurant. When I think about it, this is exactly how I was eating in my single times. I’d treat myself to a nice lunch out somewhere on Saturdays but mostly I was cooking at home and leaned towards the foods that made me feel good after eating them. Most of those meals were vegan.

I am surprised at how well Michael has taken to this food change. He’s missing his tea and maybe cheese right about now, but all in all he’s fine. It was even his idea to extend this change through the whole summer. I guess if I had to choose a word for this summer, a theme word, it would be ‘change’. There’s a lot of change happening around here. We’ve seen friends head off to new adventures in a new city. We’ll be seeing another friend off to a new adventure and restart to his life at the end of summer. I’ve been working really hard at believing in myself and making changes in my life to reflect that belief. It only makes sense to make some minor changes with our food. In this case, I’m making a change back to a way of life that had become normal for me at one time. It feels like slowely settling back into a beanbag chair and that doesn’t at all sound like a bad place to be.

OH, HEY. HEY, OH

Half

1 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Half"

Michael and I went to Oregon. I didn't really talk about how we were planing to go to Oregon. I don't know why that it is, but part of the trip was work related and part of the trip was standing on cold, foggy beaches related. Most all of that trip was about eating really great food. There was one day were I ate raw fish for lunch and dinner and I have no regrets about that decision. There were several evenings with Todd that including laughing so hard, tears leaked out the corners of my eyes. The only regret I do have is not throwing my body down onto the floor and refusing to get on the plane to come home. I should have made Michael drag my limp body through the airport. I should have polished up the old resume and been more aggressive about handing it out to people at the work thing. I should have tried to score a job before leaving, but I didn't think I was still so much in love with Oregon.

I was wrong. The remnants of my heart are still in Portland eating a fake pork taco at Robo Tacos.

Re-entry to the reality of this current life has been slightly difficult. I am still battling the time change. Saturday morning, I slept until almost 11:00. I missed a call from my mom, who had called me at a very reasonable hour of 9:00 am. When I called her back, I told her that I was sorry for missing her call but I had still been sleeping. She said "You were still sleeping?!?" I was just as surprised as she was. Michael asked me much much later in the evening "who are you and what have you done with Cindy?" It was well past midnight and I was still up. Sunday morning I made myself get up at 8:00 am even though I wanted to stay in bed all day. I lounged on the couch for a couple of hours before picking up the dust rags and wiping away the vacation dust, finishing laundry and putting suitcases back into storage. 

Time changes are rough.

I've come home though with a plan or at least a list of things to do. The first thing you may (or not) have noticed is that this place is no longer Elephant Soap. I changed my Squarespace domain to my actual name. I'm gearing up to do some things that require a bit more professionalism around here. These things I'm cryptically talking about are things that make me uncomfortable, vulnerable and pukey but are good risk taking, character building things that I need to be doing. So Elephant Soap is maturing, at least as mature as Cindy Maddera can be. The next big thing on my list is to start really cleaning out as if I was planning on a move. I'm talking about a "would I want to take it with me" kind of clean out. This means saying goodbye to a few boxes of elephants. They have been in those boxes since we moved in with Chris's mom almost ten years ago (holy crap on toast, what happens to time?!?!). I do not have the room to display all of them nor do I have the energy to continuously dust all of them. There are things besides elephants that also need to be dumped. When the day finally comes to move (to where ever), I want to be ready. I don't want to look at all of the things around me and sigh with exhaustion at the thought of packing it up and moving it to the next place. 

My name is Cindy Maddera. I am, among other things, a blogger, a writer, a photographer, a yoga teacher, and a scientist. I'm maturing. I'm 42 years old and I'm just now trying to be a grown up. Sort of.