HER DRESS IS SO SAD

Produce and piñatas #PrintYourFeed2016

"Produce and piñatas #PrintYourFeed2016"

Last week, while I was drooling on the couch, I realized that I could probably be doing more than just blankly staring at the TV. Except I never got up to do anything more than make a cup of tea. I'm back at work, by the way. My coworkers kind of wish I wasn't because I sound gross, but there are moments when I can actually breath through both sides of my nose today. My chiropractor told me to drink apple cider vinegar with raw honey to fight the inflammation in my sinuses. I stopped by the healthy nut store on my way back to work and then made myself the most awful drink of too much apple cider vinegar and not enough raw honey. I'm drinking it anyway because I think it's working. It's only been twenty minutes and I'm sure it doesn't work that fast, but believing that it is working is what's keeping me alive (not really). Any hoo, back to things I should have been doing instead of blankly staring. 

I should have been garden planning. I should have been reading. I should have been sleeping. I should have been knitting. I should have been editing photos. I should have been looking into a way to sell some photos. I should have been coloring, but by far, what I really should have been doing was writing. I did none of that. I could have worked on some unfinished things even if I didn't feel like writing up anything for this space. Thursday rolled around and I had nothing written for a Love Thursday entry and then I gave myself a pass for my Thankful Friday entry. If I want to be completely truthful here, I considered a Love Thursday entry but then I thought "I don't want to write a Love Thursday." I was relieved to not sit down and make an effort to write an entry for Thursday with a theme. I don't want to do Love Thursday posts at all any more. Then I felt really bad for thinking that and then I felt OK for thinking that and then I felt really good with thinking that.

I'm tired of doing those entries. Love Thursday has become work and that's something it should never be. Lately though, I have been grasping for ideas for those posts and struggling with writing anything worth while. Most of the time, I'm just phoning it in with a bunch uplifting words that you could you read off the back of any self help book. There have been times when I might as well of just said "Ooh! Look at that grape! I love grapes." because I am reaching to find anything relevant for a Love Thursday. There's a part of me that is really ok with letting this go, but there's the other part of me that is scared to let this go. I don't want to slip back into old habits of using this place as a podium to bitch and complain. I don't want to forget to look for the love and good things in my life. It's just that right now, it all feels like pretend. I am pretending.

The other day Michael and I had a good getting things off our chest moment. He said something to me that he's said before and I always want to tell him he's wrong. He said that I was a sad person. In his defense, he said it not meaning it to sound like a bad thing. It's just something he says he knows about me, that I am a sad person. When he says this I want to scream "I AM NOT! I AM A HAPPY PERSON! I AM SO FUCKING HAPPY ALL THE FUCKING TIME. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!" Except I know he's not wrong because I have photographic evidence. I started a year of self portraits because I needed to learn to like myself again, but I'm two months into it and I'm not any closer to seeing my face and liking what I see. In those pictures I take where I just simply look at the camera I can see it. My resting face is sad face. That's what I've learned from taking a daily photo. I have resting sad face. There's a vacancy in my eyes that I didn't realize existed until now. When I first noticed it, I was surprised by it. I looked at the picture of myself and thought "what happened to me?". Oh wait. A lot's happened to me and kind of in a short, concentrated amount of time.

I guess I think I am not a sad person because I can write a Love Thursday entry even if it's a phoned in post about a grape. I am pretending to not be a sad person because I write these entries every week. In fact on weeks where I have nothing for those kinds of posts, I get slightly panicked. Someone soon is going to figure it out and see that I am a fraud. So I might as well come clean now. By coming clean, I feel like I want a fresh clean notebook. I want to make changes here. I want to write here without being tied to a theme. I want to write here without dreading the content or censoring my content. I want to write here without constantly trying to sound like Pollyanna.

I want to write things that will change my resting sad face.

LOVE THURSDAY

Good morning sun

"Good morning sun"

I know the time change is coming. I know that in a few weeks we (or most of us all) will set our clocks back one hour and breath a sigh of relief at that make believe extra hour of sleep. My body has fallen for that trick of daylight savings. Five fifty AM sure would be a lot easier to face if it was really an hour later. Usually this five fifty AM is not so difficult, but as we creep deeper into Fall, that time in the morning gets really hard. My body feels it every year. It's very similar to the magnetic forces inside my brain that tells me where North and South are or more like where I feel North and South. I feel directions. And time changes. 

Even though my body feels like lead when the alarm goes off these days, I still crawl out bed. I still get in the shower. I still feed the animals and make my breakfast. I still get up and do the things I am supposed to do. My reward for getting up and doing those things this week has been the sunrise. Every morning, as I have pedaled my way along the bike route to work, I have been a witness to the sun rising up in the Eastern horizon in the most spectacular display. It streaks the sky with pinks and all of the shades of orange and red. It shifts and changes so that every time I glance at it it is different. More red than orange. Less pink. More orange than red. Each glance at the sky has been breathtaking. 

You're probably sitting there blinking because I do not have pictures. How is it I never took a photo? Don't think I didn't think about it. I did pull my bike over a few times to pause and frame out a shot, but I never took the picture. Those times I stopped, there was always something not right about the framing. Power lines criss crossed the sky. I wasn't high up enough. That building was taller than I remember. The framing was never right because those sunrises where not meant to be photographed. There is not a picture of that sky that I could have taken that would have truly expressed the amazing beauty of those sunrises. Instead, I settled for just being an eye witness. I was not the only person out and about at this time of day, but I am curious how many of those people who were out and about, were paying attention. How many of them noticed all the shades of orange?

Today for Love Thursday, I encourage you to notice all the shades of orange.

LOVE THURSDAY

Silly faces make it harder to cry at goodbyes. We had a great, but too short of a visit with @birdpony and @admiralstarpony . Thank you guys for all of it. And love.

"Silly faces make it harder to cry at goodbyes. We had a great, but too short of a visit with @birdpony and @admiralstarpony . Thank you guys for all of..."

Monday morning I woke up to a text from Chad telling me that Facebook was saying that we'd been friends for six years. "Happy Anniversary" he wrote. I laughed of course because Facebook is silly, but then I was a little shocked by the six years. I told him that couldn't be right, it had to have been longer than that. Chad looked it up. He had pictures from that day where we all met for dinner. He sent me one he'd taken of me and Chris. Tears pricked the corners of my eyes. How could these two people look so happy? That look on Chris's face as he's looking at me has been captured in pictures so many times, it's all I know. I know that Chris looked at me with love. The date of the picture was proof that I had known Chad for six years now.

I told Chad that it still seemed longer. I said that I would have thought we grew up together. In a way, we did. Chad was taking an epic road trip across the country. We all met for dinner as he made his way through Oklahoma. Me, Chris, Amy, Brian and Chad. He said that we ate like Mediterraneans that night. We did. It was a Mediterranean restaurant and we lingered over dinner for hours. Chris played the part of Rosco, a hitchhiker Chad had picked up along the way. It was a running joke that had started as soon as Chad had left Atlanta headed for his adventures west. The beauty of Chris posing with a toothpick in his mouth and his hair all mushed down on his forehead was that no one in Atlanta knew Chris. They all easily believed he was really the crazy hitchhiker Chad had picked up. We were kids then. Joking around, laughing, dreaming. We still lived like we were in college with hand-me-down furniture from friends and family. 

Not long after that though, we'd all have to start dealing with very grown-up things.  Chad would lose his mother to cancer. We'd buy houses and lawnmowers. Amy and Brian would divorce. Some of us would move to knew towns and start new jobs. Chris would get sick and die. We just managed to fit forty something years of life into six years, that's all. I don't know how we did it or how the connection was made, but Chad has really turned out to be like a brother or a first cousin. Or a twin separated at birth. Maybe it's a past life connection. I have no idea. I just know that when Chad and I are in the same room we can laugh at the most absurd and ridiculous thing. I noticed a few times during our visit over the summer that whenever this would happen, Jess and Michael would look at each other and shrug with an unspoken "I have no idea what they are laughing at." Honestly I think half the time Chad and I don't either. 

It is just another example of the relativity of time. These are the kinds of connections that  you hold dear.  So, here's to those six years on this Love Thursday. 

LOVE THURSDAY

Chickies chickies chickies

"Chickies chickies chickies"

Wednesday morning I stood at the kitchen sink, looking out the window into the backyard while I washed my dishes from breakfast. I could see Josephine running around, chasing the birds who had made the mistake of landing in our yard. Then I looked over at the chicken coop just in time to see the chickens walk down the ramp one at a time and into their run to peck around the grass in the morning sun. And I sighed with contentment. Now I realize that the topic of the chickens and all things chickens is going to grow old fairly quickly. Just stay with me for now. The chickens are like a shiny new penny and right now in this moment I am transfixed with that shiny shiny penny.  I promise that, in time, my entries will return to non-chicken entries all the dang time. This is a Love Thursday entry though, so today I'm gushing about the chickens. 

Many years ago I decided that I wanted chickens. I don't even know how the idea got into my head. I wanted chickens in my backyard and I wanted to live in a city that was cool with all of that. It became something that I wanted so much, that I put it on my Life List. I knew nothing of chickens. We may have lived in rural Oklahoma, but we never raised any kind of farm animals. I just assumed that chickens would be the best ever animal to have in your backyard. It wasn't even about the eggs. Sure fresh eggs are great (or will be), but that was never the selling factor for getting chickens. I just thought chickens would be the most zen creature to have hanging around, which doesn't make sense because of all the chirp chirp chirp and cheep cheep cheep. Also, I have a vivid memory of being hustled into the home of one of the ladies mom would leave me with sometimes when I was little. I was bundled under Mom's coat, head and all, while she steered me to the door because these people had the most terrifying rooster. I am not even kidding. This rooster gave me nightmares. I loved that woman dearly. Patsy Stenson. She painted china, like old school painted china, and she was everything you would have thought Mrs Santa Clause was, but that rooster was the most awful. 

The chickens are the exact opposite of the most awful. In fact they are like having a community of Buddhist monks living in my backyard. I go out and meditate with the chickens on a daily basis. As soon as I start talking to our girls, Josephine steps up and places herself between me and the chicken coop and I have to scratch her back while I talk to our chickens. This is exactly what I was doing Tuesday evening when Michael came home. He walked out to the backyard without stopping to change out of his work clothes, to see me crouched down next to the coop cooing to the chickens and petting the dog. This weekend Michael is building a door to the run so I can actually crawl in there with them. He realized quickly that it wasn't enough to just be able to open the back of the roosting area and we need to be able to sit inside the run with them. The chickens bring a peace and calm to everything. They are more than I ever even expected. I am surprised by their different personalities. I am dazzled by their ever changing feathers. I am soothed by their constant chatter. 

I just love them, which makes them perfect for Love Thursday.

LOVE THURSDAY

I got to looking back through my archives and realized that the last Love Thursday entry I did was December 11, 2014. Almost exactly a month ago. I thought it had been a while since I had typed out "LOVE THURSDAY" in a title bar and glancing through those December entries I can see that I was in no mood or state of mine to pull some cheery lovey dovey post out of my brain (ass). Between December 11th and now there have been a lot of sad posts and some really boring posts. I've lost four pounds. I've been on my mat and off my mat and back on my mat. It has been sixty degrees outside. It has been ten degrees outside. Currently it is eight degrees and everything is covered in a dusting of snow that fell days ago, but it's been too cold for any of it to melt. I traveled the whole state of Oklahoma on a solo Christmas tour. I've cleaned out my closet and a whole filing drawer. I've looked at puppies (one of which will be coming home with us at the end of this month). I have walked 128,576 steps. I have also watched all of American Horror Story's Coven and Season seven of Sons of Anarchy.  

To be honest, I'm not so sure I am yet in the right mindset to write a Love Thursday. I was thinking this as I sat down to write, even though I've also spent a lot of time in the last few weeks inside my own head. This is the first full week of the New Year. The first full week of getting back into routines with normal bedtimes, usual work hours and scheduled gym time. It had crossed my mind to drop Love Thursdays from the usual routine, but I have come to realize that these entries are part of that routine. It's like sitting down with a cup a coffee on a Sunday to watch CBS Sunday morning. There are so many times I sit down to write an entry for Thursday and I have nothing, but something always comes to me while I'm typing things out. 

It all comes down to intention. Why do I write these entries? Why do I write? Do I just write this entry now out of habit? I've decided that the answer to that last one is "no". Each Love Thursday entry is planting the seed for good things to grow. When I feel I have nothing for these posts, I am forced to find something. I am forced to dig deep and see the good things that are not only in my life, but surround my life. And it inspires me to find more. So here is to a New Year of good, a New Year of love, and a New Year of Love Thursdays. 

Happy Day!

LOVE THURSDAY

Monday evening, I sat down for meditation. You would think that it sounds perfectly reasonable for me to sit down for a meditation practice, that in fact this is a common every day occurrence. You would be wrong. My meditation practice never really recovered from my move to Kansas City. There have been times when I think I've gotten it back on track. I will have weeks of consistency to 20 minutes, but eventually that road block would show up. I'd get sick or go out of town. There would be one late night or one full day where the only effort I could make physically was to press a button on the remote control. So for me to even announce on Monday "hey, I'm going to sit down for meditation right now" is kind of a big deal. 

And let me tell you it was awful. I made it through ten rounds of alternate nostril breathing and twenty four rounds of mantra, but spent the rest of my time wiggling around on my meditation pillow, moving my legs this way and that, and peaking at the timer. Instead of focusing on the breath, I noticed every twinge and ache, every prickle of a limb falling to sleep. The fan was too loud. There were people outside talking. That one dog never stops barking. I felt it all. I heard it all. But somewhere in the middle of that there was a moment of peace and almost clarity. It may have only lasted for a brief minute, but it was there.

There's nothing like a bad meditation practice. It showed me how out of practice I have become and it is a reminder of imperfection. I did not assume for a minute that I would sit down after over a year of not meditating and find instant enlightenment. I knew it would be a struggle. Just as much as I knew the next night would also be tough. I'll tell you a not so secret. Part of the practice of sitting down for meditation is making the choice to set a time to actually sit down for meditation. 

We live in a world where we are constantly striving for perfection. We beat ourselves up over and over again for not being enough. Yet, I think we all know by now that's there is no such thing as perfection. It is enough that I set the intention for my practice. I am enough.

Don't forget that you are enough. Happy Love Thursday!

LOVE THURSDAYS

One time, Chris and I were standing in the checkout line at the grocery store, a basket full of groceries, when a woman stepped into line behind us. I noticed that she had a hand basket with only two or three items. Chris and I insisted that she go ahead of us. She protested and seemed really shocked that we would give up our place in line. Of course, Chris and I won out and she went ahead of us, but I couldn't help being a bit perplexed at her reaction.

We see the same thing every time we give a Sonic carhop a tip. They always react as if we've given them a million dollars. Afterward, Chris and I always have the conversation of "poor carhop, no one ever tips them". The truth is, those carhops probably rarely see a tip. It's so simple, being nice and it's an easy thing to do, for the most part. I really started thinking about this when I went to this site tweeted by Chookooloonks. Wouldn't it be so much easier to be nice to people if they were wearing a sign like one of those?

And then it dawned on me. It's easy to be nice, but some times, it's hard to accept kindness. This is something I tend to struggle with, particularly when the kindness is coming from someone I don't trust. So, today for Love Thursday, I offer you a challenge. It's a challenge to not only be nice, but to accept kindness from others.

Happy Love Thursday!

LOVE THURSDAY

It's easy to forget that my sister and I were once little together. There was a short window of time where we enjoyed playing dress-up, watching cartoons, and playing with Barbies together. Then Janell was a teenager and I was still little. She was off doing semi-grownup things while I was still playing dress-up. I became used to "no, you're too little".

The best part of growing up is that it makes those age differences that seemed so huge as kids, very minuscule to adults. Eventually I was no longer too little to tag along and Janell and I started hanging out together again. Over the years our relationship has been like a roller coaster. We are distant; we are close. But we are always sisters. Nothing can change that.

Saturday, Chris and I had the chance to sit down to dinner with Janell. It was a rare treat to just sit and be with her and only her. As I sat there and listened to her talk about her adventures in teaching, I couldn't help but be a bit proud. It's nice to see her come into her own. Even though sometimes I still see us as the two little girls in nightgowns wearing Burger King crowns.

Happy Love Thursday!

LOVE THURSDAY

A year ago Chris and I decided to change the way we eat. I was resistant and pouty at first because I new it meant more work. I didn't see how we could possibly do it considering that we live in a very Wal-Mart dominant City. That first grocery shopping trip to the health food store took hours. We had to read every label, ponder every purchase, and gulp over the final bill. But we learned what to buy and where to buy it and now the weekly grocery shopping trip is an outing that we actually enjoy.

But it doesn't end with the shopping. I enjoy planning our meals. Even when I come home from a long tiring day, I find joy in chopping and preparing the evening meal. I've begun to rely on cookbooks and my collection of them is growing. The last time I was home I was even able to pry some of Mom's old recipe cards from her. I now have the only written copy of the famous Pea-picking Cake. I've promised Chris that recipe stays just between us, but I will tell you that there are no peas in the cake. In fact, no one has any idea why it's even called Pea-picking Cake. But we all agree that it is the best cake ever.

My initial fears over the big food change was just silly. We all know how important food is, particularly the right food. Most of those great memories of childhood revolve around the family gathering around the dinner table or hanging out in the kitchen. And it's only right that it should be a huge part of our attempt to think out of the box and try new things.

Happy Love Thursday.

LOVE THURSDAY

Our friends often point to Chris and I as the model couple. While I find this flattering, I also tend to roll my eyes a bit when people go on about how perfect our relationship is. Don't get me wrong. Chris and I are perfectly matched. We just don't see it as a big deal and I think that there are other couples out there that are an even better example of a good relationship than Chris and I like The Jens.

I think we forget that the Jens' are an actual couple. They're not just two girls living in the same house. They are a couple. And they are often the couple I look up to. Their relationship is not easy. Besides the usual relationship battles, they have to put up with the prejudices of the outside world. They have to live in a society that does not accept them as a couple.

Saturday was supposed to be Jen's first art show and we've all been scheming and planning for the event. I love watching Jen and Turayis work together to make this happen for Jen. They are a team. I'm so proud of Jen, but I'm even more proud to have these two as my friends. I also know that despite the cancellation of Jen's show, they will find a way to do another one some where else.

Happy Love Thursday!

LOVE THURSDAY

Yesterday was the first day of Fall, but I'm still clinging to the last of summer. I'm just not ready to put away my tank tops and sandals. It helps that the garden still thinks it's summer. I love going out there and finding bugs like these.

I also love that I went out there to look for the new things that are sprouting, but instead I found the lady bug. Oh...and some carrot sprouts.

Enjoy! Happy Love Thursday!