VISIONS

My Self Care Circle group met last night for an in person event where we were put to the task of making our own vision boards. I was not excited about this. I am not a ‘vision board’ kind of person. Cutting out pictures and pasting them to a board is not my arena of creativity, but I went because I am paying for it. Monetary investment seems to be the only thing that holds me accountable for taking care of my mental health. The meeting started with a guided meditation where we were asked to meet our future selves. I’m not good at following directions because instead of seeing future me, I saw past me. No matter how hard I tried to conjure up a vision of my future self, I always came back to the me before Chris got sick.

That person was so carefree and light.

That past version of me was pleasantly naive and slightly impulsive. She was frequently jumping off metaphorical cliffs because she knew that if her own parachute failed, she had a really strong safety net. That safety net gave her a confidence that she didn’t even know she had until the net was gone. Past me was a happier, more secure me. My parachute and safety net are now full of holes and, when I fall…it hurts. Afterwards, Rose was asking each of us about our meditation experience. I don’t even remember hearing what Rose said to me because my eyes and ears clogged up with tears. I set my scissors and paper down, pulled my sweatshirt up over my face and started sobbing. My skin flushed with embarrassment as I heard and felt the whole room shift into complete silence, but I just sat there unable to stop the flood. I felt Rose’s hand on my leg and Sarah’s hand on my back. I heard Rose telling me that all of this was okay, this was good, this is what I needed. Then I inhaled a deep but shaky breath and stopped, thanking the gods for Erica who brought me tissue.

The safety net changes.

After that little meltdown, I cleaned myself up and then I got to work. I cut out pictures and phrases and started pasting away. Rose told us that we could not write any words on our boards. She said this while looking directly at me. I still managed to cover my board with words that miraculously appeared before me while I flipped through a couple of magazines. I think I got some glue on the floor. I for sure got lots of glue on my fingers and when I had finished gluing everything into place, I looked down at my creation. My heart swelled with joy and pride. I could not believe that I, the person who doesn’t do vision boards, had created such a perfect vision board. I excitedly took my vision board home and said to Michael “Look! I made a vision board!” He nodded his head and said “that’s nice.” Then I proudly displayed my vision board on my desk and I took a picture of it to post on the groups online page.

Because safety nets change.