Talaura sent me a message saying “I think Chris would have pivoted from writing to podcasts.” and I instantly heard Chris’s voice in my head. This is significant because the sound of his voice has eluded me for years. I see Chris all the time, but he never speaks. The result is that I can’t remember the sound of his voice. I don’t have any recordings or outgoing messages to play over and over to remind me. That’s probably a good thing because how many times can you stab your own self, but still his voice is something I have missed. After all, it was his stage presence and voice that first attracted me. The moment he stepped out onto the stage in Much Ado About Nothing, I sat up in my chair and took notice. I thought “this guy is more than meets the eye and someone to pay attention too.” In that moment, I decided to put myself into is orbit. I did everything to make myself noticeable to him. I even changed desks in a class we had together so that I was sitting closer to him.

Chris was a man of few words, but those words were always significant. While he was the one making us all laugh with those few words, it was not as easy to make him bust out in laughter. You might get a chuckle. On those occasions where I made him laugh, really really laugh, it was like winning a goddamn prize. When I realized that I could no longer recall the sound of his laughter or his voice, it was like realizing I had lost my own hearing. I had grown resigned to the idea that this was something that would be gone forever, just another symptom of death. That simple one sentence of text flipped a switch inside my brain and suddenly there was Chris talking about Star Wars and laughing with his guest podcaster. It is a given that Chris’s podcasts would be SciFy related, but part of me also thinks he would do one on things that don’t really go together. Like nuts and gum or hotdog straws. I am sure he would have a lot to say about the xenophobia and racism plaguing this country, particularly because he would be a target for some of that xenophobia and racism.

You would think that all of this would make me feel sad, but quite the opposite has happened. I am filled with joy. It is like finding that favorite earring you lost ages ago but it was under the dresser the whole time. I am grateful that Talaura was able to help me move that dresser to find that earring.