THANKFUL FRIDAY
Cindy Maddera
No too long ago, we met an old coworker friend and her boyfriend for dinner. It was the first time for us to meet her person and she said “Cindy’s the person that says she’s going to do something and then does the thing.” This was how she introduced me, which was sweet and made me chuckle. I don’t know if this is true, but I will say that Michael has played an intricate part in me doing the things. He may not be 100% on board with some of my ideas at first, but by the time I’m ready to jump out of the plane, Michael is there to check that my parachute is secure and in good working order. He sees the dangerous side of things that I am oblivious to and can point them out for me to navigate around. If I choose to navigate around them. I am sure that there are many times when being with me, for him, is like being in the presence of a baby taking its first steps and the those first steps are happening on the ledge of a firepit.
I have a hard time communicating with Michael and using words in a way that he understands what it is I am trying to convey. We are not on the same emotional or intellectual planes and often times I put too much thought and effort into being on his plane. It can be exhausting and I know that a lot of this is on me and my expectations of how I think a relationship should be based on my past. I am difficult. The struggle is compounded by the living arrangement. Living in a small space together doesn’t help. The last two school years have been really hard on Michael. This school year seems to be worse than the last one probably because he’s dealing with HS freshmen that never really got that middle school transition period due to the pandemic. His battle with work right now adds to the challenge of being in a relationship.
During the first year of our relationship, Michael talked about how he probably wouldn’t live past fifty. He didn’t sound sad about it. It was just matter of fact, his life would not be extensive. Slowly though, as the years have gone by, he has spoken less and less on his limited lifespan. To the point where I don’t think he’s mentioned it in a couple of years. Instead he talks about a lake house and his plans to renovate that lake house during his summers. He talks about a boat and an idea for a skee-do Uber business. He talks about when he retires and the things he’s going to do. There is a small part of me that likes to believe that I had some sort of influence in his change in language.
Today is Michael’s birthday and I should be better and not save up my words for this one day. I am very proud of how hard he works at being a good math teacher and mentor. Many of Michael’s students see him as an ally and he has received a few notes of gratitude from his students for this. As hard as this semester has been, he has still managed to maintain some empathy towards these kids. I truly believe that Michael is giving his best possible effort in a difficult situation. I know that many of the schemes and shenanigans that I come up with take Michael outside of his comfort zone. That’s why he’s not always 100% on board. I ask a lot of him and I don’t tell him enough how much I appreciate his efforts. I am also very grateful for his change in language regarding his future. As much as I don’t really like to admit this, I need him around.
Because who else is going to do my parachute safety checks.