HOLDING IT TOGETHER

Natural habitat

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I dreamt that I walked into a room that was littered with peeled oranges and macaroons. They were strewn all around the floor like rose petals. As I walked across the room, I looked down and noticed a ring poking out of the merengue of one of the macaroons and I bent down to pick it up. Then there was a man kneeling beside me, asking me to marry him. I stared at the ring and said “Of course. Of course I’ll marry you.” When I looked down into the man’s face, I saw Chris looking up at me with that sappy look he could get some times. Smiling. Big puppy dog eyes filling with tears of happiness.

I woke up feeling guilty.

A few weeks later, I had the dream that I always have about J. There was a mistake and we had been sent a body to burry because the Powers at Be had thought it was J. Except it wasn’t him. J had been wandering the desert and now he was finally back, trying to re-enter our lives as it is now. I was elated to see him, but worried about how he was going to take to all the changes that had occurred in his absence. Again, I woke up feeling guilty. Since that dream, I have been waiting for Dad. The power of three. I am Ebenezer Scrooge. You will be visited by three ghosts. I am still waiting for the third, wondering when Dad will show up.

I had an appointment with my chiropractor yesterday. Since the day was so nice, I rode the scooter, flying down the nearly empty streets. My soul lifted with the breeze. I arrived at my destination and my chiropractor was so happy to see me. The joy was mutual. It seems ridiculous how the sight of a familiar face you haven’t seen in weeks can illicit such joy. I practically skipped back my session on the roller table. I sprayed the table with disinfectant and wiped it down. Then I laid back and closed my eyes while the roller moved up and down my back. I was surprised to feel tears well up in my eyes and leak down the sides of my face. It came to me then, just how hard I have been working to hold it all together and holding it all together not just for my own benefit. On the outside, I look like I am handling all of this with ease. My insides tell a different story.

Even though I have set up a routine for myself, there are moments in my day where things just go on pause and I don’t know what to do with myself. I step away from my desk and walk around from the bedroom to the living room to the dining room. Back and forth. I listen to each squeak, tick and groan of the hardwood floor as I carefully place each step. I sit back down at my computer and fight my way through some exercises in Python coding. I do not have a coding brain and every review question is an exercise in futility. By the time I closed my computer yesterday, my brain felt mushy and I still had to re-take this week’s quiz. You must make a 70% or higher to move forward. Michael had to give me a lesson of true or false statements. It was more than slightly humiliating.

I die at least once a week while on the Oregon Trail or from an Exploding Kitten.

And I am unmotivated to write here.

It seems unauthentic to come here and write because I try to make the content somewhat uplifting. All I have brought you today is list of sad and whoa that I am tempted to delete. I am not deleting it though. Because I know that who ever is reading this is sitting there nodding their head and saying to themselves “I feel so much like this. I am not alone.” And we’re not alone. So do what I just did. Put on your favorite music. That music that makes you move your body. That music that has those moments in it that make you close your eyes and place a hand on your heart and raise the other to sky because it has reached the spiritual part of your heart.

Do it right now.