THANKFUL FRIDAY

On Thursday, I finally dug out some Christmas decorations. I wasn’t thinking about the Christmas tree when I redesigned the dining room and I ended up not leaving any space for it. There’s no option to move furniture around to other rooms. This is a small space and I have puzzle pieced my furniture into it in a very specific way. Maybe it was a subconscious decision. I always get a little bit twitchy about Holiday decor. It is too much clutter and it seems like such a hassle to lug all of the decorations out, set them up and then take them all down. I do it and every year I complain about doing it. So I thought, maybe this year I’ll just hang our stockings and set out the menorah. I’ll make a new wreath for the front door and be done with it all.

While I was in the basement, digging through a box of decorations that usually get recycled for wreath decorations, I came across the small aluminum tree that I had purchased many many years ago. I ignored it at the time, but later on I kept thinking about that little tree. I thought about how it wouldn’t take up very much space and could even sit on the dining room table. I pulled all the little aluminum branches out of that box and plugged them into the old wooden stand. Then I strung a small strand of battery powered lights all around it. I dug out the ornaments that Michael and I had collected together and the Babar replacement ornament Chris found for me. I carefully hung them onto the little tree, set out a funny gnome and the Abominable Snowman. And Voila! We have a Christmas tree. It is small and simple and represents the Christmas we plan on having this year.

The memories of Christmases of past are sometimes too much for me. Last week, I finally finished the Table Story about fried oysters and it was the hardest thing I had ever written. It is a story of Christmases of past. Finishing it left me feeling hollow and raw around the edges. Like a scraped out pumpkin. Honestly, I haven’t really felt like writing anything since. This time of year is difficult under normal circumstances. As I placed the final touches to the tiny Christmas tree, the Flaming Lips’ Do You Realize started playing through my speakers. I sort of melted because I do realize and sometimes happiness does make me cry. Sometimes remembering happiness of the past makes me cry a lot.

There is gratitude here. Gratitude for the happy memories of the past and gratitude for the happy memories we are creating. Gratitude for this big bowl of bitter sweet soup.