THANKFUL FRIDAY

Late Tuesday night or I guess really early Wednesday morning I woke up to go to the bathroom. I noticed that Michael was still up, just not in the house. Sometimes he sits out in the garage with his iPad. It was a warm evening. I had the windows open with all the fans going and had just about drifted back to sleep when I heard the sound of a speeding car, followed by the screeching sound of breaks and then a loud thump as the car collided with something. I got out of bed and looked out into the garage and Michael was gone. Then I saw the guy that lives across the street running towards his house. I went back inside to get some shoes on and that's when Michael came in. He had run to the corner of the street when he heard the crash. Someone beat him to the scene and yelled back to call 911. The rest of the night was punctuated with the sounds of sirens and metal being cut to free the passengers from a car that was now wrapped around a tree. The news the next day reported that the two passengers were in serious and critical condition. Police had tried to pull them over for a minor traffic violation. The car sped off and police decided it wasn't worth pursuing except the guy driving the car didn't realize that and kept speeding away until he crashed into a tree. Stupid and senseless. The incident left us both a little shaken. Thursday evening, Michael and I walked up to see the tree. The family of the driver was there and they asked us if we could tell them anything about that night. We found out that the driver did not survive.

I am thankful for many things. This is a neighborhood where you can often hear and see kids playing in the yards, riding their bikes up and down the side streets, skateboarding, being kids. If that car had been flying down that street during normal hours, the chances of that driver causing more than just damage to himself, his friend and a tree would have been pretty high. I am thankful that no one else was hurt.

I know that Mother's Day is on Sunday and that I should have devoted today's entry to my mom. When I walked out to an empty house and an empty garage I was suddenly terrified. I nearly passed out from relief when Michael came in the door. I know more than most how scary life can be and how things can turn on a dime. I am thankful for that sigh of relief. I feel horrible for that family, but I'm thankful that no one else was involved.

I'm also thankful for my mom. Happy Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

I almost did not sit down to write a Thankful Friday entry for this week. This has been a full week. Projects at work. Preparing for a presentation for lab meeting. Last night I dreamed that I was at a banquet for bloggers and was trying to work on my lab presentation while being introduced to some influential (could help me get published type) people. So of course, I have my presentation open on one window while I type this in another. Yesterday I volunteered at Michael's school for Health Day where I taught three hours of yoga to rowdy teenagers. Then there's been the matter of getting the house set to rights. Over the weekend, in between charity walking, we moved Michael out of his apartment. That left me with the task of finding space for some of his things that wouldn't fit in storage and didn't really belong in the basement. There was also some after moving recovery time needed. Michael and I both agree that part of the money we save for the new house goes to hiring real movers. So technically, I should just be thankful that this week has come to an end. And I am. The week really did seem like it lasted twice as long as usual and I have to admit that I'm still smarting in places from lifting heavy things. The super purple bruise I'd been sporting on my left thigh had just healed. I've replaced that bruise with a hoard of new ones. There's one on my right wrist that I keep licking and trying to rub off because I think it's a dirt smudge. It has also been cold and rainy all week. The heater has been turned back on and the electric blanket put back on the bed. I think I do this every year. Take the blanket off. Put the blanket back on. Take the blanket off. Put the blanket back on. This morning I stepped out of the house fully expecting it to be cold, like really cold, but was surprised by tolerable temperatures and a completely cloud free sky. This weekend we will have take the blanket off weather.

I am thankful. Really when I try to add onto that sentence, the bottom line is that I am thankful. I could tell you that I'm thankful that we are no longer funneling money into Michael's apartment and that this puts us that much closer to our dream house. I could tell you how grateful I am for Ashley (the girl subletting the apartment) for helping with the move. I could go on and on about how thankful I am that I made time to put the house in order (even dust and vacuum) during the week so that I don't have to do it this weekend. Also a disorganized messy house makes me twitchy. I could even tell you that I am thankful for the opportunity to teach those teenagers something about finding some peace and quite in a world that is not so quite and peaceful. Of course I am thankful for all of those things. But really, I'm just thankful. I'm thankful for the normalcy of my life even the boring parts where all I'm doing is watching TV. I used to worry that Michael would realize that I am only 10% exciting and wow (and that 10% happens in my head and on this blog). The other 90% of my life is fairly mundane and boring. It is laundry and grocery shopping and TV marathons. It's sometimes poking around in the garden or dusting and vacuuming. It's what everyone else's every day looks like. But Michael will plop down onto the couch, pull my feet up onto his lap, look at me and say "I want to do boring things with you".

Here's to a beautiful weekend and super Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

I have become pretty apathetic in regards to my vegetable garden this year. I made the decision last year to not spend any money on the garden this year. If I planted anything it would be the seeds left over from last year. I have mentally moved on from this yard and this garden and have a blueprint forming for our garden built in our space. It will be so much bigger and the chickens will graze through it and the sun will shine down through sparkly glass sun catchers and somehow a hammock will be involved. I have big dreams. We did have a day a while back where the weather was so nice, I ended up on my yoga mat in the back yard. As I flowed from up dog to down dog, my gaze kept landing on the neglected garden. When my practice ended on my mat, I took it over to the garden. I cleaned out the raised beds and the dead things in the herb (now mint) garden. I turned the soil, gathered up the seeds from last year and tossed them in. I can't even really remember what I planted. That night, it snowed. I woke up to a fresh white layer of snow blanketing everything and this wouldn't be the last time I'd wake up to the same scene. I think it snowed three more times before Spring finally muscled Winter out. So I was surprised to look out the kitchen window and see that things had sprouted. We've had a pretty decent spattering of rain the last few weeks, with yesterday being the heaviest and now when I look out at the garden, I can actually make out plant structures. Enough to decipher what it was that I actually planted.

I am thankful for rain, but more than anything, I am thankful that I went ahead and planted those seeds. The joy of growing our own food has not worn off. It's still a thrill to walk out back and pull a tiny onion out of the ground or to know that next week I won't have to buy salad greens. I can just step out and cut off enough lettuce for two. And I am not the only one that gains joy from this experience. Michael and the Cabbage both love going outside and checking the new growth. The Cabbage is less likely to eat any of it (I'm going to plant a cherry tomato plant back there soon...she eats those things like grapes), but she still gets a kick out of seeing the things growing up out of the garden. I'm thankful that I didn't give up on the garden at this home just yet. It may have started out as mine, but it has become ours.

As much as I'm thankful for the rain, I am thankful that it is dry today and expected to be dry tomorrow. Saturday is the Kansas City AIDS Walk. Last year it was rainy and chilly and I ended up with frozen soggy feet. This year I will wear better shoes. I am thankful that it will be dry. Again, I am so grateful to those of you who donated to the cause. You guys make my heart swell. So Thank you, thank you, thank you. I am thankful for Easter egg hunts and wisdom words from Father Terry. I am thankful for time spent on my mat and on the treadmill this week. I am always thankful for you. Here's to a lovely weekend and very very Thankful Friday!

LOVE THURSDAY OR THANKFUL FRIDAY

Michael and I have been two ships passing in the night lately. There was the weekend before last when I went out of town without him and then last weekend he was out of town without me. During the week there have been after school meetings and baseball practice and baseball games. Last night was a double header and Michael didn't get home until after eight. We had about half an hour to recap our days to each other before Michael put me to bed. He always tucks me in. I'm not even sure how we started this. It's not like I'm the type of gal that needs to be doted on, but there's something to this nightly ritual we have developed. Last night Michael looked at me and said "I just want to thank you for being you. At least you are authentic in your weirdness." This almost sounds like an insult, but I know that his meaning is love. He had just spent the weekend with a various bunch of people. One woman never stopped talking and blessed her room with candles and crystals. He said she was weird for the sake of a show. Attention grabber. But, I also know that he thinks I'm a complete weirdo. I am part science nerd girl and hippy. I understand the microbiology behind viruses and infections and believe in the holistic healing power of Ayurveda and yoga. I will read total trashy silly fiction and follow it up with a classic Jane Eyre or Austin. I have been known to break out in show tunes and sing out my answers to questions. I think you should eat fresh fruit every day and that many foods from cans and boxes are poison. I believe in evolution and a higher power God like figure. I write more words than I speak. Do these things make me a weird? I don't think so. I think that's because I've surrounded myself with people that live their lives as authentically weird as I do. We just see ourselves as "normal". The truth is, just like there's no such thing as perfect, there's no such thing as normal. We are all weird in our own way. I think "weird" is what we've turned to to describe something different than what we're used to.

We hear a lot of talk about being our authentic selves. Honestly, I've never really thought about it until Brene Brown's The Gift of Imperfection and that only made me aware of the times I hadn't been my authentic self. There have been two times in my life where I have not lived as my authentic self. It should be of no surprise that one of those times was during my high school years when I tried a little too desperately to fit in with some crowd, any crowd really. Bits of my authentic self often leaked out and got me into trouble (I got hate mail once from my church youth group). The other time was after graduate school. I'm not really sure what was happening then. That transition from being in school (since kindergarten) to grown up land threw me. I struggled with finding myself and my footing again. Both of those times I can tell you that I was miserable. It doesn't feel good to live an unauthentic life. It's hard. Like physically demanding kind of hard. Being your authentic self is easy. Oh my God, it's so easy!

I was slightly thrown by Michael's compliment. It just seems so natural to be my authentically weird self, but what he was really thanking me for was being authentic. It was good of him to remind me that this is something we should appreciate more. It dawned on me that not all of us have had the luxury of being around and with people who allow us to be our authentic selves with out judgement. I don't think people realize this but authenticity is kind of like learning to ride a bicycle. There's really no way to tell someone how to ride a bicycle that first time. It's a feeling and a motion you have to just figure out on your own, but when you do get it, you're a bike riding fiend. You can ride all over town and back. There may be a few tumbles here and there, but from the moment you figure out how to pedal and balance that bike, you never forget it. Every time you get back on a bicycle, you know exactly what to do.

I started this post for my Love Thursday entry, but realized about half way through that it really falls under a Thankful Friday category. I'm thankful that I've, for the most part, been able to easily be my authentic self. I'm thankful for the people in my life that allow this of me with out judgement. I am thankful for the wisdom to not give a shit about those who do judge it. Really...that's the best part of it. The most freeing part. So, here's to being our authentically weird selves. We're pretty awesome. Happy Love Thursday and a fabulous Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

I took Monday off from work in order to catch up on sleep and laundry. I don't know if missing a Monday has had anything to do with it, but the week has felt tilted. Maybe tilted is the wrong description. This week has felt like waiting at the bus stop for a bus that may or may not be coming. The bus stop is the fancy tribute to BB King one on 75th and Troost (the building is made to look like a piano, no lie). While the bus stop can be an interesting place (the people watching is awesome), you are still waiting. I am not actually hanging out at a bus stop, but my dreams have been very much like crazy people watching. The other night I dreamed that I stepped on broken glass with bare feet. I spent a large portion of time in that dream carefully picking tiny shards of glass out of my foot. I can assure you that as awful as it is for you to hear about that dream, it was worse being in that dream. Then I dreamed that I was standing in snow waiting for Chris's brother and his wife to bring the Cabbage home. They had taken her on some outing and they arrived at my house with the Cabbage asleep in her car seat. I just remember carefully pulling the Cabbage out of her seat and feeling the weight of her head on my shoulder as I lifted her up and carried inside. The rest of the dreams from this week are a blur of nonsensical images. When I'm not dreaming of broken glass or a sleeping Cabbage, I am spending brain power thinking about scrubbing baseboards and mopping floors. Michael has a thing this weekend that takes him out of the city. This means that I will have the whole weekend by myself, the first since Michael and the Cabbage have entered my life. Apparently my dream weekend alone involves brooms and mops, but yes...I have actually been fantasizing about cleaning products. I am excited with the prospect of buying a new mop. I watched various YouTube videos this morning on cleaning tile grout. I have Spring cleaning fever mixed together with I just need to be in my home fever. I'm not to thrilled with spending another weekend apart, but I'm thankful that I know I will use this time to my advantage. Michael always says that I make him feel guilty when I'm cleaning. I'm not sure he believes me when I say "but, I LIKE cleaning!". I do! I pointed at a commercial for a Bissel floor mop last night and Michael didn't even have to glance at it before he said "no". There's just something soothing about the act of cleaning and the joy of trapping yourself on the living room couch because you mopped yourself into that corner (I save mopping for last). I'm already scheming in my head about how much I can get done Friday after work. Hello. My name is Cindy and I might suffer from obsessive compulsive disorder. I just think of it as a hobby. Some people like to play golf or build model trains. I like to scrub mildewy grout with a toothbrush. Did I mention I'm buying a new mop?!

Honestly, I'm thankful that Michael will not be here this weekend while I clean. I tend to edit myself cleaning wise when he's around. I don't mean to make him feel bad, at least that is not my intention when I clean. I'm cleaning because I want to and like to clean (not because you may or may not be a messy person). I'm thankful for a new mop. I'm thankful for the new cleaning supplies. I'm also thankful for the massage I've booked for myself Saturday afternoon. Really, I'm thankful for an opportunity to set things back to normal or my normal.

I am grateful for many things today. I am thankful for all of you who have gone out and supported my AIDS Walk page. I have more to say on that next week, but I'm looking forward to printing and mailing out some photos. You guys are awesome! I am thankful for beautiful Spring weather, mushroom quesadillas, and quiet evenings. And I am forever thankful for you guys. Here's to a squeaky clean weekend and a truly Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Monday, after the news of John's passing, I began the process of figuring out what I needed to do. I knew that I needed to be at his celebration of life. I knew that if Chris were still here, it would be important to him to be there. I had planned to go visit Dad next weekend, but I wouldn't be able to afford two trips this month. Then there was Michael and the Cabbage. This is a Cabbage weekend. I was supposed to watch her Saturday evening while Michael poured wine at a wine walk. But I also remember how everyone dropped what they were doing when Chris died. It wouldn't be right to not be there and help out in some way. By the time I made it to my yoga mat that evening, my brain was full and I was so anxious that I had to repeat to myself "I will be present on my mat" over and over during my practice. When five minutes had passed on my fifteen minute savasana, I gave up and headed to the kitchen to start dinner. Michael was home by then and asked me about my mat time. I told him that I was too anxious to have had a decent practice and I told him about John and Saturday. He didn't hesitate to say "go", but I was still unsure. I said "what about this weekend? the wine walk? Who is going to watch the Cabbage?". I told him I thought I was leaving him in the lurch. He looked at me and said "that's what you're worried about? No. Go and do what you need to do?" Just like that. No argument. No "I can't believe you want to go without me". Go. Do what you need to do. The relief of this and his words nearly broke me. I could see the honesty of his words in his eyes. He wasn't just saying the things I had hoped he'd say or wished or wanted. I don't know why I expected argument or disappointment or opposition. It's not so much that I expected those things as much as I worried about those things being a possibility during this conversation. I worry about unnecessary things.

It would be easy to say that I am thankful for his response or that I am grateful for his understanding in this situation. I am thankful for those things. But more than that, I am thankful that he is the type of man that would respond with understanding and kindness. More importantly, I am thankful to have found a partner who understands the sensitivity of these types of situations. I am also thankful that he knows how to calm my unnecessary worrying.(Side note: I just looked over at the calender and had a minor panic attack. I can already see the month of April whizzing by.) It's not that I would have settled for less. I would never settle. There is a difference in expecting sensitivity and understanding and being grateful for it. It's like when I tell Michael "thank you" for taking out the garbage or he thanks me for making dinner. These are chores that we would do any way. It just makes us feel better or appreciated when its' been acknowledged. When I say that I'm thankful for his understanding in this situation, I'm saying that I appreciate him.

I am thankful for scooter rides. I am grateful for thunderstorms and the rain that has caused things to sprout in the garden. I am thankful for days that do not require socks. I am grateful for the donations I've received this week to my AIDS Walk page. I am so thankful for all of you.

Here's to a weekend where we celebrate the lives of those we love and a truly Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

If you were to ask me what years were the happiest, I will always reply with the years I spent in undergrad. It's not just because that was where I met Chris. The time I spent in undergrad was the first time I was able to truly relax and be myself with out fear of judgment. I was introduced to a tribe of people who were welcoming and accepting. And for the first time in my life, I felt free or less encumbered by expectations. I really had no thoughts or worries about the future. I was not constantly planning ahead. I lived in the moment before I even knew what living in the moment really meant and I met some of the best people. I have a framed photograph on my bedroom wall of Misti, John, Kirk and Talaura. The picture was taken to be used as a prop in Twilight of the Golds, a play they were all doing together, along with Chris, at USAO. I don't know how I got that picture, how it happened to fall into my hands, but it's one of my favorite things. What I love about the picture is that it was taken as a family portrait representing the family they were portraying in the play, but it transcends to the family they represented to me. In college they were a group that I watched from the edge, not quite one of them. They were the "cool kids", the group you wanted to be a part of because they always looked like they were having a good time. It would be years before I would feel fully meshed into that family. My connections would be formed in different ways throughout the four of them and then time and distance would fray some of those connections kind of thin. There's just not enough time in the day to include everyone. I'm just as guilty as the next. We have grown up and into our very own version of The Big Chill.

In spite of the time and distance, I ideally like to still see us all as that kooky family. I'm thankful for that family and every one of those connections. Strong or frayed, each one has taught me something about life and love. I'm thankful for every laugh and every tear. I am thankful for the person they helped me to be. I am thankful for their support and encouragement. Some times I feel like smacking myself in the forehead because I can't get over how blessed I've been in friendship and what a terrible job I've done at returning the favor since Chris died. I'm truly sorry for that. But I'm pretty good with yarn. It's possible I can build something to strengthen those connections. At least, I'm thankful for the chance to try.

Here's to a blessed Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

A few days before the start of Lent, we were all sitting around the lunch table at work, discussing our Lent intentions. When I said that I planned to get on my mat every single day, Richard pipped up and said that he had an idea that would help me do that. His idea was for me to teach him yoga. I said "yes" even though my insides were saying "NO!". It had been so long since I'd taught a yoga class that I was beginning to think that the "yoga teacher" part of my resume was just a phase I'd gone through. At first when I greed I also added the stipulation that wouldn't really teach as much as just share my practice with him. But then I started thinking about his tennis practice and the whole sharing my practice thing turned into an actual "I NEED to teach you toga". Then I started to grow a little anxiety tree because I hadn't taught a class in so long. I feel like the first two classes really reflected this and by the third class I still didn't really feel like I'd gotten my teaching legs back. By the end of the fourth class, something changed. A shift in the alignment or focus. Something. I left class that day with that feeling that I had almost forgotten about. This is where I get all wackadoozle on you and drift into the lulu side of yoga. There is an experience that people who have reached an enlightened state during their yoga or meditation practice they describe as being filled with light and unbelievable joy. Those descriptions are not unlike the feeling that I would get while teaching. Thursday, as Richard and I walked back from class, that somewhat enlightened feeling came over me and I could feel that joy creep up and onto my face. So today, not only am I thankful to have the feeling back, I am also thankful to Richard for nudging me back into teaching. I still have very little desire to find a paid teaching gig and Richard really is the ideal student. He has zero previous yoga experience and no previous conceived ideas about alignment. He also asks questions during class about this or that so there are times when I really feel like I am teaching. It's just good.

Thursday was a good day. First day of Spring. Weather that allowed for the scooter. New glasses (I'm not to thrilled with this, but happy to be able to see). Big Brothers Big Sisters of Greater Kansas City came by and picked up boxes of crap from the basement. Michael has been off this week for Spring Break and every day I've come home to some new task he's accomplished. Things I didn't even ask him to do! Simply put, I am grateful. Here's to a wonderful weekend and a truly Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

I've been reading around a bit and one thing I've noticed is that the winter has been pretty hard on folks. I'm not talking about the weather. Yes, it has been cold. Yes, there has been ice and/or snow, and yes, there have been moments when we thought it would never be warm(ish) again. I've noticed that the winter has been particularly hard for those who suffer from depression. I have always been prone to the winter blues, but only mildly. Of course, when Chris died those mild winter blues turned into something more than mild. For the last three winters there have been times when I've had the conversation with myself about the possibility of medicinal help. I think "is this the year?", but by the time I think about getting help usually things start to look a little brighter. I have not reached that level of depression where I feel nothing. There have been moments when I have felt too sad to get out of bed, but at least I was feeling sad. My breaking point would be when I don't even feel sad any more. And let's face it. There's been plenty of things for me to feel sad about and some of those things correspond with Winter. I feel like it's OK for me to be sad. It's like that episode of the Simpsons when Lisa is sad and Marge starts to tell her to put a smile on her face even if she doesn't feel like. Marge changes her mind about that and tells Lisa "if you're sad, just be sad. it's OK". There's such a push for happiness. Happiness projects and finding bliss. These are all well and good, but the reasons these type of projects even exits is because someone felt not happy first. I am grateful for my daily happiness project because it forces me during those bad times to find something. But I am also grateful that I have not reached the point where medication is necessary.

Maybe it has something to do with days I've been able to ride the scooter again. Maybe it has something to do with the weather that has allowed for those scooter rides, but I feel like that sad haze is lifting. You never realize just how heavy that haze can be until it finally lifts up and away. I am grateful for the lightness. I am grateful for the ease at which a smile comes to my face these days. I am grateful for the scooter rides. I am thankful for the smile that's been on Michael's face this week when he's come home from baseball practice. I am thankful for my mat. And I am forever thankful for you. Here's to a fabulous weekend and a truly Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Just the other morning, I stepped outside to start my car before work and I noticed something different about the air. It was still cold. There was still (kind of is) a layer of snow on the ground. Yet there was something different. The air had a crispness to it that lured you to believe that the temperatures would get warmer. There was a different tune of bird chirps and the squirrels were frolicking about. It just felt like we were one step closer to Spring. I mean, it's not an unreasonable feeling since we are Springing forward on Sunday. I would say something about remembering to set your clocks ahead, but I only have one in the house to worry about and I never have it set to the correct time. It just seems lighter outside, is all. Like the heavy clouds of winter have lifted a tiny bit. I expect to see little crocuses popping up out of the ground any day now. I don't know if it's the hint of Spring I feel heading in our direction or just the need to get off my posterior and accomplish something, but I have been doing some highly productive grown up things around here lately. Last Friday, I did my taxes. ALL BY MYSELF. That was exhilarating. I have cancelled our old internet. It only took thirty minutes of on hold time and two transfers (and guessing answers to security questions that Chris had set up). I dropped my DVD subscription with Netflix and dumped Hulu Plus (really no need for it with Google TV). Yesterday I met with a financial adviser at work to see about contributing some of my paycheck to a 403b account of some sorts and rolling over an old investment account into my current one. Yeah...you heard (read) right. I am being responsible.

Wait kids! There's more! I cleaned out a whole kitchen cabinet of unused mugs and glassware and...AND, I made an appointment to have my eyes checked (I can't see the board in our Java class). I know right?!? I feel like I am karate chopping this thing called life and I'm working my way up to black belt. I have even set a goal to post at least one thing on eBay this weekend. Golly. Who am I? I don't even know, but I'm thankful for this sudden rush of momentum. Really, I don't know why I procrastinated so long on some of these things because every task I've accomplished has left me feeling pretty dang good. That is definitely something to be thankful for.

I am thankful for so many things this week. Steph's dad had a health scare and I'm super thankful he's going to be OK. I am thankful for the people who send their love and support when it's most needed. Not just to me, but to others out there who are struggling. Sometimes it's just enough to know you are listening. I am thankful for that knowledge. I am thankful for avocados and buffalo tofu (tofu made like buffalo chicken, in the cafeteria at work! my work place is awesome). I am thankful for the promise of a productive weekend, but a truly splendid Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

The check engine light came on (again) while we were driving to OK last weekend. The issue with my car has been a problem for quite some time. The car occasionally makes what I call a coughing type feeling and then goes on it's merry way. The last time the engine light came on, I took into the dealership and they couldn't find a problem. I decided the problem had something to do with how much the car just sits around during the summer. The guys at the dealership said to just "keep an eye on it". It's a problem that Michael is constantly on my case about getting checked out and every time I just sort of nod my head in a noncommittal way while secretly sweeping the problem from my brain. Michael took the car into the Tulsa dealership on Saturday while Mom and I traveled to see Dad. The mechanics there were finally able to tell us why the check engine light was on (cylinder misfire), but they didn't have the part to fix it. I will spend my Saturday at the dealership here getting the problem fixed. I had also scheduled Google Fiber to come by the house and finishing installing our new fancy pants internet. While I'm getting the car fixed, Michael will be dealing with Google and helping me cancel with our current internet provider. I am not good with rejecting or saying no. Conflict of any kind makes my throat close up. We both agree that of the two of us, Michael pulls off a stern, no nonsense tone of voice the best. It probably helps that he has lots of practice since he teaches freshmen math and well...freshmen...enough said. I'm thankful that someone finally has a clue as to what's wrong with my car (not that it's been a huge problem, but still...) and that it's something that will be covered by the warranty. That's a completely new concept for me. It's probably one of the reasons I pretended that this issue was something that could be ignored. It comes from post traumatic stress of dealing with car problems where I would end up paying for things usually during a time in my life when I could not pay for things. I'm thankful that I got talked into buying a new car when I did.

I feel like this post just got very boring. I was emailing back and forth with Robin the other day, asking her if she thought I was capable of doing my own taxes this year (side note: I've never done my taxes. I've always had people near me that just did them for me. This sounds so princess and spoiled, but yeah) and in her reply she said that my blog has been making her cry a lot these days. I could not disagree with her. I can see my posts falling into old habits. I feel like everything I have to say is a sad song (but they say so much). It is really not my intention for every post to have this underlying layer of funk and I definitely don't want this happening on an entry that I devote to a weekly gratitude practice. I have things to be thankful for. I have a good life. I have good people in my life. There have been moments this week where I have laughed and laughed. I tell you this so you know that I'm not all just doom and gloom and disappointment.

I am thankful for every moment of laughter this week. I am thankful for the sunshine and the joy I've found on my mat. I am thankful for big bowls of grown-up mac-n-cheese. I am thankful for Skittles. I am forever grateful to you and your kindness. Here's to a grand weekend, but a truly Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

This week most of the snow was completely melted away from my front yard. The only visual evidence of our snow storm are the piles left by the side of the drive from shoveling and that one spot near the front of the house that never sees sunlight. We've started referring to the ice/snow mound in that spot as Glacier Maddera. It's been with us since the first snow. I've been thinking of making a sign for it. Any way, this week has been one of those weeks that tease you with the possibility of Spring. We had thunder storms with spectacular lightening Wednesday night. I've been able to walk from one building to the next without crying. I haven't had to start my car before eating breakfast in the mornings. I almost even rode the scooter to work one day (it's still too cold in the mornings). Then on Thursday it rained. Except the rain turned to snow. And I turned to grumbling. I've noticed a trend in weather around here. The winters here are rough. The last day of winter is supposed to be March 19th. I know from my years in Oklahoma that winters never end when they say they are going to end. Winter there was often a mix of Spring days with some cold days. That happens here too, but the cold days are brutally cold frostbite warning kind of days and come with the potential of 2-10 inches of snow. This does not end until mid to late April. By the time Spring really gets here and stays put, you are ready to run naked through the tulips. Jeff said to me Thursday while I pouted "get over it. You now live in a place that gets snow. Deal with it". Then I punched him. No I didn't...wait...I did punch him in the arm, but that was before he said that and when I saw that Smart car (it's the new Slug Bug). I did not reply to Jeff's comment. Instead I started griping about the guy in front of us in a huge F10 truck trying to park in a compact parking spot (idiot).

But Jeff is right. I live in a place that gets snow. I remember a few winters when I was little when I'd beg for it to snow. I wanted to go sledding and build snow people. I wanted to make igloos and have snowball fights. That didn't happen very often in Oklahoma. I can remember three sledding events and one snowman. We made him look like Mr T with chains and a mohawk. Mom likes to tell a story about Randy when he was little. Randy was born while Dad was stationed in the upper peninsula of Michigan. All he knew was snow and he loved it. When they made the move to Oklahoma, Randy spent the first winter just sitting on his sled waiting for it to snow. It never snowed that year and he was so disappointed. Every time I post pictures of our mountains of snow here, Jen Tucker squeals with delight and talks about all the ways she'd play in the snow. I'm a little ashamed to say this, but I have not made one snow angel this year nor have I thrown a single snowball.

I am truly thankful for those Spring like days that we get in between the cold snowy days. They give me hope that warmer weather, scooter rides and gardens are just around the corner. Those are good days that boost and prepare me for the bad ones. But I need to learn to be thankful for those snowy "bad" days too. I need to remember the joy that a good snow day can bring and be thankful for snowball fights and sledding. So when the next snow storm comes around, I will find a moment to make that snow angel and be thankful for the opportunity.

I am thankful for busy days and evenings watching House of Cards. I am thankful for little button like daisies. I am thankful for those of you who give to my Donors Choose projects. And I'm forever thankful for you. Here's a weekend of family and love and a truly Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

It was pointed out to me on Monday by a coworker that we have Presidents' Day off. It never even dawned on me that this would be a holiday for us and the idea of it made me slightly giddy. I mean, I'm really surprised just how happy this news made me. There's so much that I want to get done this weekend, a lot of which involves brooms and mops and dust rags and bleaching the basement floor. My car is overdue for an oil change and Michael is in desperate need of new tires on his truck. We both need haircuts. Having Monday off means we can probably accomplish all of the things and still have lazy couch time. Season 2 of House of Cards comes out today. We are going to need our lazy couch time. I am always a little disappointed in myself when I let a Thankful Friday entry turn into a grocery list of things I need to do. Nobody wants to hear about my chore list. Just like no one cares what you had for dinner (except maybe that spaghetti squash dish I made this week...that was surprisingly delicious). Unfortunately, as much as I'd love for you to believe that all I really have to do everyday is dream of rainbows and unicorns and come up with things to say in this space, it's just not reality. Nor is it reality for any of us. We have chores and grocery lists. And dirty dirty basements. Life gets in the way of so much goof off time. The truth is by the end of the day, I'm usually scrambling to take a picture for my 365 Days of Happiness project. But I'm thankful that I do scramble for that photo because it's way to make me stop and slow down. It may only be a minute, but in that minute I am not worrying about the layers of dust in the house, the poop on the basement floor, or how I'm not really sure if I have all the things I need to file my taxes (Robin?). I am, at the very core, a worrier. My yoga practice and some what organized life helps to contain that worry to a minimum. The Happiness project and photography makes that worry vanish for tiny moment. I am thankful for those things.

I am also thankful for surviving this week. The middle of February has not been kind for either of us. I'd like to think we've helped to sooth each other's aches and pains from those memories. I know that I am grateful for Michael's presence in my life. I am thankful for the melting of the snow even if it is happening at a snail's pace. I am thankful for the sunshine and slightly warmer temperatures that are working to melt that snow. I am thankful for pipes that drain properly. I am thankful for tofu scramble. I am thankful for valentine cupcakes. And I am always, forever thankful for you.

Here's a blessed long weekend and a truly Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

This is a weird Friday. I think maybe it's because of all the snow days. Technically I was only out for a day and half, but it felt like longer. After some time, everything about the house seems too small. The couch isn't big enough. The kitchen is cramped. The walls are to close. The air is too thin. Michael and I lamented the snow together, cursing every fallen snowflake as it came down Tuesday. An inch an hour, ten total. It was the snow storm that broke me into a thousand pieces last year. The same kind of snow storm that left me sitting on my front steps, crying, holding a shovel, and more crying. My driveway suddenly tripled in length. I was alone, shoveling all of that snow. My attitude towards this weather has not improved, but this time I was not alone. Poor Michael has been out of school all week. I came home from work Thursday to a super clean house. He had even organized all the supplies we'd purchased for our homeless care kits. We've been waiting to put them together because I ended up ordering Tylenol packets online. The snow delayed their delivery. The packets showed up Thursday, just in time for a Cabbage weekend. I'm going to try to convince her to help me put them together. But Michael admitted that he's going a little stir crazy. He said it felt like he was on house arrest. I am thankful that today he will at least be able to get out of the house for a bit.

Rumor has it there's more snow in store for us this weekend. I am hoping they are wrong. There's also rumors that the highs will be in the 50s next week. I am more thankful for that rumor because it means a return to some normalcy around here. A return to routine. Won't that be nice? In the meantime, I'll be thankful that the worst thing has just been the snow. All in all that's not too bad. No falls (yet). No wrecks. No busted pipes. Just cold and snow. We can survive that.

I am thankful for warm moments snuggled on the couch. I am thankful for thick SmartWool socks. I am thankful for silly stocking caps. I am thankful for a fresh new batch of veggie stock and ghee. And I am always, forever thankful for you.

Happy weekend and happy Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

I have a lovely view of the Plaza area and Brush creek and the Rockhill bridge that crosses that creek from my desk at work. One of the guys here got some fancy binoculars for Christmas and we take turns spying on the goings on of the city outside our window. There's a homeless man that lives under that Rockhill bridge. He sleeps on the ledge near the water, but stores his things up near the road. We've had some pretty deadly cold temperatures particularly at night around here. I'm not sure how the man has survived those cold nights and it's become part of the morning ritual to check on him every day. I think we all breath a little sigh of relief when we see that he's up and moving around. But I'd like to do more than just make sure the homeless man has survived the night. I have always been the type to hand out spare change to someone standing at a street light. There have been many times when I sit at a light next to someone holding a cardboard sign and I have had nothing more to give than a piece of fruit. My first instinct is to always give something, but it would be nice to hand out something that would actually be useful. I remember Maggie Mason doing an entry not to long ago about making care kits for the homeless. I'm thinking of spending some time this weekend making a bunch of these up to have on hand in the car.

I am very fortunate to have a good job and roof over my head. I am aware that it's not just about having a good job, but about having the mental clarity needed to function in a good job. I am aware that there are many different factors involved that can lead to homelessness. It's not just about laziness, even though there are some narrow minded people out there who believe just that. I may not be wealthy, but I am better off than some. There's no reason why I cannot give back. In reality, I am the lazy one. Those kits are such a simple easy way to help out someone less fortunate than me. I am thankful that little homeless man finds a way to survive this brutal cold. I am thankful for the reminder he's given me that I can do better. I am thankful that I am in a position where I can do better.

I am thankful for a successful week of work, treadmill and yoga. I am thankful for the meals Michael and I have cooked together this week. I am thankful for routine. And I am forever thankful for the kind words you all send my way. Here's to a beautiful weekend and truly thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

So, yeah, the cold is still lingering. I stopped taking any over the counter meds last week, relying only on my neti pot and some grapefruit seed extract. I don't feel sick, like achy and feverish. I just walk around carrying a box of tissue and this week, I added a cough. Most people would say it's time to go to a doctor. I would strongly disagree them. There's a time to throw antibiotics at something and there's a time to let things take it's course (turn, turn, turn). Insteading of opting for traditional Western medicine, I decided to try traditional Chinese medicine. I visited an acupuncturist on Wednesday. Many, including Michael, will scoff at the idea of acupuncture, but again, I disagree. I got up from my session and did not need to blow my nose and in fact, could breath so easily through both nostrils, I hugged the therapist. Placebo effect? I don't even care. I feel better, so there. I am super thankful for that. Something else happened this week that made me slightly teary with happiness. A federal judge declared Oklahoma's ban on same-sex marriage unconstitutional. I think many people were amazed when this happened in Utah recently, but I think I'm more amazed this happened in Oklahoma. Why should I care about this, especially if I no longer live in OK? I care because of the Jens. Of all the couples and pairings from our friends in undergrad, the Jens have been together the longest. They have seen each other through crappy jobs and grad school. They have a home together with two dogs. They are one of the best examples of what a good marriage should look like and now they will have the opportunity to make their union legal. And can I tell you just how cute it is to see Jen pulling pictures and ideas for their wedding? Yes, it's going to be geeky and awesome, but it's going to be theirs. I am thankful that this has happened for them. I am thankful for this validation for them. It's beautiful.

Good things are happening all around us. We just have to keep our eyes peeled for it. Here's to wonderful long weekend and a very very Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Last Friday, I woke up with a sore throat and the tell tell signs of the beginnings of a sinus infection. Michael fed me a Mucinex D and then I spent the rest of the day impersonating a zombie. We had adult plans for that evening so I was determined to rally and I did, but the next day ended in an Alca Seltzer induced coma. Now every thing is trying to come out through my nose. Everything. Tuesday morning I woke up to a glob of snot slowly trickling out of my right nostril that was the kind of clogged that blowing doesn't even budge things. It was like a vacuum seal bag with a leak. I found the whole thing outstanding particularly when I'd spent all of Monday complaining about the dry pain inside my nose. The inside of my nose resembled the dry barren landscape of the Sahara dessert or Death Valley. I imagined all the usual nasal bacteria crawling along a dessert landscape gasping "water" and seeing mirages of lagoons of crystal clear water. I vowed to move my humidifier from across the room to directly next to my head. Wednesday morning I was up at 4 AM, not because I couldn't breath, but because I had developed a urinary tract infection. I sat on the toilet and whimpered. That pain is so hard to describe. It's the feeling of how sucking on rusty nails tastes. I left the house around 5 AM in search of cranberry juice and AZO and made it two blocks from the house before realizing that I had forgotten my wallet and had to turn around. Which was fine, because I had to pee and cry again any way. Then I spent the next hour driving from Walgreens to Walgreens to CVS to CVS. There's at least one of those drugstores on every other corner around here, yet none of them were open at that hour. I ended up at a grocery store where I was lucky enough to find the things I needed. I spent the rest of the day drinking a mixture of water and cranberry juice and walking back and forth between my cubicle and the bathroom. I finished the day delirious and trying to convince myself and Talaura that Mary and merry sound different (they don't).

You know how as the New Year approached, the days started to speed by faster and faster? Well I feel like that now the New Year is here it has stalled out at this week and slooowwwwedddd waaaaaaaaaaaaay doooooooowwwwwnnnnnnn. It came to a screeching halt, lingering in freezing temperatures, piles of used Kleenex and countless toilet flushes. But even though I woke up to a new dusting of snow on Thursday, I woke up grateful that it was Thursday. I was even more grateful when I got up to pee and it didn't make me cry. Weeks like these make it really hard to find things to be thankful for.

I am thankful for warmer temperatures. I am thankful that I was able to beat this UTI in one day without antibiotics. I am thankful that I used one less Kleenex today than I did yesterday. I am thankful for those few days on the treadmill and those few days on my mat. I am thankful for the knowledge that I get a fresh start next week. And even though it tastes awful, I am thankful for cranberry juice.

Here's to the promise of a wonderful weekend and very Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

A little bit ago, I was contacted by one of my old yoga students. She has family in the KC area and will be here visiting for the Holiday. She wanted to know if we could meet so that I do a private yoga class with her. I tentatively agreed. I haven't taught a yoga class in almost two years. I am flattered that this student remembers me and remembers me fondly. But I'm a little nervous about teaching after so much time off. The thing is, I've been seriously thinking of getting back into the teaching thing again. I've got to get a lot of things taken care of first like CPR renewal and teacher's insurance. I've let all of that slide, but I vaguely remember (though I'm really afraid to say it out loud) being really good at teaching yoga. I got a lot of joy out of sharing my practice with others and maybe that's what made me a good teacher. There have been little signs here and there that have reminded me that this was something I did and did well and maybe it's time I started doing it again. I've been thinking of ways to develop a podcast for some of my old students. Skype yoga. Ha! It's like someone just put corn kernels in the popcorn maker. I'm thankful that this student appreciated me so much that she still thinks of me after all this time. I'm thankful for the shove this has given me to head back into teaching. I have very little going on this weekend besides teaching a yoga class and grocery shopping. This weekend is the calm before the storm. I plan on battening down the hatches, getting some extra rest and having all the things wrapped and ready to pack into the car. Boy, am I grateful for this. They are predicting ice and bad weather for the weekend and there is something very appealing about the idea of hunkering down inside my little house. I am thankful for this moment of peace and ease before the crazy hectic moments of the holiday set in. I feel like a broken record in saying that, but the anxiety and anticipation of what comes not just for me, but for us in the New Year. I am excited about the idea of decorating a new home. I'm thrilled with the prospect of a great American road trip. I'm even thrilled with the idea of reigning in my spending and getting my finances in order. I am thankful for all of that promise.

I am thankful for another project funded. I am thankful for moments on my mat. I am thankful for mac-n-cheese with noodles shaped like bunnies. I am forever thankful you. Here's to a blissful weekend and a truly Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

The closer we get to the end of the year, the faster the days seem to go by. I can remember years when I just wanted to move on to the next year. I just wanted a do over or a restart. I had this idea that the next year would be different, better, less sad, less awful. In between bad years, there are good ones that you just don't want to see end because you're scared that next year will not be as good. This week was the beginning of the speed up for me. One day it was Monday and the next day was Thursday. Except that's not entirely true because I was able to get a jump start on some Christmas crafty things I have going (stockings cut out and ready for the sewing machine, Chad and Jess's ornaments started, and Christmas cards ready for the mailbox). And if things go according to plan, I will have all Christmas things literally wrapped up by the end of the weekend. That would be a record for me to have a whole week before Christmas to not worry about this gift or that or getting what not in the mail. I think I will use that time drinking hot chocolate. As for the coming year, I neither dread or look forward to 2014. I'm not ready to move on and I'm not ready to say goodbye to this year. I expect that there are some pretty awesome things ahead for me in 2014, but I also can foresee some heartbreak. Just like this current year. There is a balance to all things and it's taken me a really long time to figure that out and see that even the bad years contained some good things. I remember one year in particular that Chris and I couldn't wait to end. It was a year of job loss, surgeries, deaths, illnesses, and a general just awful. That was before I started to change the way I looked at things. I couldn't see any thing good. I'm thankful I made that change in my life to find something (anything good). Not to find a silver lining, but to see that yes, this whatever moment sucks but look how beautiful that sky is today. Honing in on finding something good has made the hard things easier to bear. My gratitude practice makes it easier to not take those good moments for granted.

I have good reasons to be thankful. There's a familiar rhythm returning to my daily life and though parts of that rhythm is new, it flows in a way that is consistent. That is something I am more than thankful for. I am thankful for walks to the art museum and new found gardens. I am thankful for you. Here's to a wonderful weekend and a truly Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

The Holiday season inspires people to give to charities. I know that I tend to give a little more, like add change to Salvation Army bucket, donate a book or buy a family breakfast, but the best thing I've done this year is to set up a monthly donation to the Donors Choose program. I have Talaura to thank for that. She's the one that turned me on to that particular charity. I get requests from lots of places, mostly political, for donations. There was a time when I would become overwhelmed with the inability to give to EVERYONE. But there was also this sense that even if I was giving $10 to each of the charity requests that came my way, I still wasn't making a difference. This made me stop trying, stop giving all together. Donors Choose has taught me that I can make a difference and that every month I'm making a difference. I am thankful for this program and I'm so thankful for you who also jump on this band wagon with me. I may not be able to save all of the baby seals from being clubbed to death or have enough money to convince my political party to fight for equality, affordable health care or reproductive rights. But I can, with your help, buy a classroom some books or musical instruments. I think of it as an investment in my future. We are making a difference in our future. Thank you. What else? Let's see...The dryer part Michael ordered came in, which means he can fix the dryer and I can wash clothes. Laundry is not something you'd think I'd be thankful for, but the ability to do laundry in the comfort of my own home is something I am thankful for. I've grown soft over the years and the idea of lugging all the laundry to a laundry mat again makes me want to fall over like a limp rag doll. And since the temperatures are freezing here, there's no drying clothes on the line for me. So, yeah, I'm thankful for clean, DRY, clothes. Michael took CHARGE when the dryer broke. I am not used to that kind of behavior. I worry incessantly about sewage backing up again in the basement, cracks in the basement wall, tiles pulling away from the shower wall, all things homeownery. I have not once worried about the dryer, how I was going to get the dryer fixed, or how I was going to replace the dryer. So, yeah, I'm thankful for Michael taking over this worry for me.

It's cold as balls here, but at least the promised snow has only been a dusting snow. I'm thankful that there were no shovels involved in my morning routine. This will be a Cabbage weekend and it will be chocked full of Christmas parties. Michael's work party is tonight and mine is tomorrow. Somewhere between the two the Cabbage has some sort of birthday party. We will use that moment to drive across town to see about a Christmas present purchase for her (we're getting her a wagon!). I need to make stockings for Michael and the Cabbage and work on a couple of hand made gifts I've got going for some people. This will be one crazy full weekend and I can't wait. I am thankful for all of it.

Here's to a crazy weekend but an ever Thankful Friday!