THANKFUL FRIDAY

I've been reading around a bit and one thing I've noticed is that the winter has been pretty hard on folks. I'm not talking about the weather. Yes, it has been cold. Yes, there has been ice and/or snow, and yes, there have been moments when we thought it would never be warm(ish) again. I've noticed that the winter has been particularly hard for those who suffer from depression. I have always been prone to the winter blues, but only mildly. Of course, when Chris died those mild winter blues turned into something more than mild. For the last three winters there have been times when I've had the conversation with myself about the possibility of medicinal help. I think "is this the year?", but by the time I think about getting help usually things start to look a little brighter. I have not reached that level of depression where I feel nothing. There have been moments when I have felt too sad to get out of bed, but at least I was feeling sad. My breaking point would be when I don't even feel sad any more. And let's face it. There's been plenty of things for me to feel sad about and some of those things correspond with Winter. I feel like it's OK for me to be sad. It's like that episode of the Simpsons when Lisa is sad and Marge starts to tell her to put a smile on her face even if she doesn't feel like. Marge changes her mind about that and tells Lisa "if you're sad, just be sad. it's OK". There's such a push for happiness. Happiness projects and finding bliss. These are all well and good, but the reasons these type of projects even exits is because someone felt not happy first. I am grateful for my daily happiness project because it forces me during those bad times to find something. But I am also grateful that I have not reached the point where medication is necessary.

Maybe it has something to do with days I've been able to ride the scooter again. Maybe it has something to do with the weather that has allowed for those scooter rides, but I feel like that sad haze is lifting. You never realize just how heavy that haze can be until it finally lifts up and away. I am grateful for the lightness. I am grateful for the ease at which a smile comes to my face these days. I am grateful for the scooter rides. I am thankful for the smile that's been on Michael's face this week when he's come home from baseball practice. I am thankful for my mat. And I am forever thankful for you. Here's to a fabulous weekend and a truly Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Just the other morning, I stepped outside to start my car before work and I noticed something different about the air. It was still cold. There was still (kind of is) a layer of snow on the ground. Yet there was something different. The air had a crispness to it that lured you to believe that the temperatures would get warmer. There was a different tune of bird chirps and the squirrels were frolicking about. It just felt like we were one step closer to Spring. I mean, it's not an unreasonable feeling since we are Springing forward on Sunday. I would say something about remembering to set your clocks ahead, but I only have one in the house to worry about and I never have it set to the correct time. It just seems lighter outside, is all. Like the heavy clouds of winter have lifted a tiny bit. I expect to see little crocuses popping up out of the ground any day now. I don't know if it's the hint of Spring I feel heading in our direction or just the need to get off my posterior and accomplish something, but I have been doing some highly productive grown up things around here lately. Last Friday, I did my taxes. ALL BY MYSELF. That was exhilarating. I have cancelled our old internet. It only took thirty minutes of on hold time and two transfers (and guessing answers to security questions that Chris had set up). I dropped my DVD subscription with Netflix and dumped Hulu Plus (really no need for it with Google TV). Yesterday I met with a financial adviser at work to see about contributing some of my paycheck to a 403b account of some sorts and rolling over an old investment account into my current one. Yeah...you heard (read) right. I am being responsible.

Wait kids! There's more! I cleaned out a whole kitchen cabinet of unused mugs and glassware and...AND, I made an appointment to have my eyes checked (I can't see the board in our Java class). I know right?!? I feel like I am karate chopping this thing called life and I'm working my way up to black belt. I have even set a goal to post at least one thing on eBay this weekend. Golly. Who am I? I don't even know, but I'm thankful for this sudden rush of momentum. Really, I don't know why I procrastinated so long on some of these things because every task I've accomplished has left me feeling pretty dang good. That is definitely something to be thankful for.

I am thankful for so many things this week. Steph's dad had a health scare and I'm super thankful he's going to be OK. I am thankful for the people who send their love and support when it's most needed. Not just to me, but to others out there who are struggling. Sometimes it's just enough to know you are listening. I am thankful for that knowledge. I am thankful for avocados and buffalo tofu (tofu made like buffalo chicken, in the cafeteria at work! my work place is awesome). I am thankful for the promise of a productive weekend, but a truly splendid Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

The check engine light came on (again) while we were driving to OK last weekend. The issue with my car has been a problem for quite some time. The car occasionally makes what I call a coughing type feeling and then goes on it's merry way. The last time the engine light came on, I took into the dealership and they couldn't find a problem. I decided the problem had something to do with how much the car just sits around during the summer. The guys at the dealership said to just "keep an eye on it". It's a problem that Michael is constantly on my case about getting checked out and every time I just sort of nod my head in a noncommittal way while secretly sweeping the problem from my brain. Michael took the car into the Tulsa dealership on Saturday while Mom and I traveled to see Dad. The mechanics there were finally able to tell us why the check engine light was on (cylinder misfire), but they didn't have the part to fix it. I will spend my Saturday at the dealership here getting the problem fixed. I had also scheduled Google Fiber to come by the house and finishing installing our new fancy pants internet. While I'm getting the car fixed, Michael will be dealing with Google and helping me cancel with our current internet provider. I am not good with rejecting or saying no. Conflict of any kind makes my throat close up. We both agree that of the two of us, Michael pulls off a stern, no nonsense tone of voice the best. It probably helps that he has lots of practice since he teaches freshmen math and well...freshmen...enough said. I'm thankful that someone finally has a clue as to what's wrong with my car (not that it's been a huge problem, but still...) and that it's something that will be covered by the warranty. That's a completely new concept for me. It's probably one of the reasons I pretended that this issue was something that could be ignored. It comes from post traumatic stress of dealing with car problems where I would end up paying for things usually during a time in my life when I could not pay for things. I'm thankful that I got talked into buying a new car when I did.

I feel like this post just got very boring. I was emailing back and forth with Robin the other day, asking her if she thought I was capable of doing my own taxes this year (side note: I've never done my taxes. I've always had people near me that just did them for me. This sounds so princess and spoiled, but yeah) and in her reply she said that my blog has been making her cry a lot these days. I could not disagree with her. I can see my posts falling into old habits. I feel like everything I have to say is a sad song (but they say so much). It is really not my intention for every post to have this underlying layer of funk and I definitely don't want this happening on an entry that I devote to a weekly gratitude practice. I have things to be thankful for. I have a good life. I have good people in my life. There have been moments this week where I have laughed and laughed. I tell you this so you know that I'm not all just doom and gloom and disappointment.

I am thankful for every moment of laughter this week. I am thankful for the sunshine and the joy I've found on my mat. I am thankful for big bowls of grown-up mac-n-cheese. I am thankful for Skittles. I am forever grateful to you and your kindness. Here's to a grand weekend, but a truly Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

This week most of the snow was completely melted away from my front yard. The only visual evidence of our snow storm are the piles left by the side of the drive from shoveling and that one spot near the front of the house that never sees sunlight. We've started referring to the ice/snow mound in that spot as Glacier Maddera. It's been with us since the first snow. I've been thinking of making a sign for it. Any way, this week has been one of those weeks that tease you with the possibility of Spring. We had thunder storms with spectacular lightening Wednesday night. I've been able to walk from one building to the next without crying. I haven't had to start my car before eating breakfast in the mornings. I almost even rode the scooter to work one day (it's still too cold in the mornings). Then on Thursday it rained. Except the rain turned to snow. And I turned to grumbling. I've noticed a trend in weather around here. The winters here are rough. The last day of winter is supposed to be March 19th. I know from my years in Oklahoma that winters never end when they say they are going to end. Winter there was often a mix of Spring days with some cold days. That happens here too, but the cold days are brutally cold frostbite warning kind of days and come with the potential of 2-10 inches of snow. This does not end until mid to late April. By the time Spring really gets here and stays put, you are ready to run naked through the tulips. Jeff said to me Thursday while I pouted "get over it. You now live in a place that gets snow. Deal with it". Then I punched him. No I didn't...wait...I did punch him in the arm, but that was before he said that and when I saw that Smart car (it's the new Slug Bug). I did not reply to Jeff's comment. Instead I started griping about the guy in front of us in a huge F10 truck trying to park in a compact parking spot (idiot).

But Jeff is right. I live in a place that gets snow. I remember a few winters when I was little when I'd beg for it to snow. I wanted to go sledding and build snow people. I wanted to make igloos and have snowball fights. That didn't happen very often in Oklahoma. I can remember three sledding events and one snowman. We made him look like Mr T with chains and a mohawk. Mom likes to tell a story about Randy when he was little. Randy was born while Dad was stationed in the upper peninsula of Michigan. All he knew was snow and he loved it. When they made the move to Oklahoma, Randy spent the first winter just sitting on his sled waiting for it to snow. It never snowed that year and he was so disappointed. Every time I post pictures of our mountains of snow here, Jen Tucker squeals with delight and talks about all the ways she'd play in the snow. I'm a little ashamed to say this, but I have not made one snow angel this year nor have I thrown a single snowball.

I am truly thankful for those Spring like days that we get in between the cold snowy days. They give me hope that warmer weather, scooter rides and gardens are just around the corner. Those are good days that boost and prepare me for the bad ones. But I need to learn to be thankful for those snowy "bad" days too. I need to remember the joy that a good snow day can bring and be thankful for snowball fights and sledding. So when the next snow storm comes around, I will find a moment to make that snow angel and be thankful for the opportunity.

I am thankful for busy days and evenings watching House of Cards. I am thankful for little button like daisies. I am thankful for those of you who give to my Donors Choose projects. And I'm forever thankful for you. Here's a weekend of family and love and a truly Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

It was pointed out to me on Monday by a coworker that we have Presidents' Day off. It never even dawned on me that this would be a holiday for us and the idea of it made me slightly giddy. I mean, I'm really surprised just how happy this news made me. There's so much that I want to get done this weekend, a lot of which involves brooms and mops and dust rags and bleaching the basement floor. My car is overdue for an oil change and Michael is in desperate need of new tires on his truck. We both need haircuts. Having Monday off means we can probably accomplish all of the things and still have lazy couch time. Season 2 of House of Cards comes out today. We are going to need our lazy couch time. I am always a little disappointed in myself when I let a Thankful Friday entry turn into a grocery list of things I need to do. Nobody wants to hear about my chore list. Just like no one cares what you had for dinner (except maybe that spaghetti squash dish I made this week...that was surprisingly delicious). Unfortunately, as much as I'd love for you to believe that all I really have to do everyday is dream of rainbows and unicorns and come up with things to say in this space, it's just not reality. Nor is it reality for any of us. We have chores and grocery lists. And dirty dirty basements. Life gets in the way of so much goof off time. The truth is by the end of the day, I'm usually scrambling to take a picture for my 365 Days of Happiness project. But I'm thankful that I do scramble for that photo because it's way to make me stop and slow down. It may only be a minute, but in that minute I am not worrying about the layers of dust in the house, the poop on the basement floor, or how I'm not really sure if I have all the things I need to file my taxes (Robin?). I am, at the very core, a worrier. My yoga practice and some what organized life helps to contain that worry to a minimum. The Happiness project and photography makes that worry vanish for tiny moment. I am thankful for those things.

I am also thankful for surviving this week. The middle of February has not been kind for either of us. I'd like to think we've helped to sooth each other's aches and pains from those memories. I know that I am grateful for Michael's presence in my life. I am thankful for the melting of the snow even if it is happening at a snail's pace. I am thankful for the sunshine and slightly warmer temperatures that are working to melt that snow. I am thankful for pipes that drain properly. I am thankful for tofu scramble. I am thankful for valentine cupcakes. And I am always, forever thankful for you.

Here's a blessed long weekend and a truly Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

This is a weird Friday. I think maybe it's because of all the snow days. Technically I was only out for a day and half, but it felt like longer. After some time, everything about the house seems too small. The couch isn't big enough. The kitchen is cramped. The walls are to close. The air is too thin. Michael and I lamented the snow together, cursing every fallen snowflake as it came down Tuesday. An inch an hour, ten total. It was the snow storm that broke me into a thousand pieces last year. The same kind of snow storm that left me sitting on my front steps, crying, holding a shovel, and more crying. My driveway suddenly tripled in length. I was alone, shoveling all of that snow. My attitude towards this weather has not improved, but this time I was not alone. Poor Michael has been out of school all week. I came home from work Thursday to a super clean house. He had even organized all the supplies we'd purchased for our homeless care kits. We've been waiting to put them together because I ended up ordering Tylenol packets online. The snow delayed their delivery. The packets showed up Thursday, just in time for a Cabbage weekend. I'm going to try to convince her to help me put them together. But Michael admitted that he's going a little stir crazy. He said it felt like he was on house arrest. I am thankful that today he will at least be able to get out of the house for a bit.

Rumor has it there's more snow in store for us this weekend. I am hoping they are wrong. There's also rumors that the highs will be in the 50s next week. I am more thankful for that rumor because it means a return to some normalcy around here. A return to routine. Won't that be nice? In the meantime, I'll be thankful that the worst thing has just been the snow. All in all that's not too bad. No falls (yet). No wrecks. No busted pipes. Just cold and snow. We can survive that.

I am thankful for warm moments snuggled on the couch. I am thankful for thick SmartWool socks. I am thankful for silly stocking caps. I am thankful for a fresh new batch of veggie stock and ghee. And I am always, forever thankful for you.

Happy weekend and happy Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

I have a lovely view of the Plaza area and Brush creek and the Rockhill bridge that crosses that creek from my desk at work. One of the guys here got some fancy binoculars for Christmas and we take turns spying on the goings on of the city outside our window. There's a homeless man that lives under that Rockhill bridge. He sleeps on the ledge near the water, but stores his things up near the road. We've had some pretty deadly cold temperatures particularly at night around here. I'm not sure how the man has survived those cold nights and it's become part of the morning ritual to check on him every day. I think we all breath a little sigh of relief when we see that he's up and moving around. But I'd like to do more than just make sure the homeless man has survived the night. I have always been the type to hand out spare change to someone standing at a street light. There have been many times when I sit at a light next to someone holding a cardboard sign and I have had nothing more to give than a piece of fruit. My first instinct is to always give something, but it would be nice to hand out something that would actually be useful. I remember Maggie Mason doing an entry not to long ago about making care kits for the homeless. I'm thinking of spending some time this weekend making a bunch of these up to have on hand in the car.

I am very fortunate to have a good job and roof over my head. I am aware that it's not just about having a good job, but about having the mental clarity needed to function in a good job. I am aware that there are many different factors involved that can lead to homelessness. It's not just about laziness, even though there are some narrow minded people out there who believe just that. I may not be wealthy, but I am better off than some. There's no reason why I cannot give back. In reality, I am the lazy one. Those kits are such a simple easy way to help out someone less fortunate than me. I am thankful that little homeless man finds a way to survive this brutal cold. I am thankful for the reminder he's given me that I can do better. I am thankful that I am in a position where I can do better.

I am thankful for a successful week of work, treadmill and yoga. I am thankful for the meals Michael and I have cooked together this week. I am thankful for routine. And I am forever thankful for the kind words you all send my way. Here's to a beautiful weekend and truly thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

So, yeah, the cold is still lingering. I stopped taking any over the counter meds last week, relying only on my neti pot and some grapefruit seed extract. I don't feel sick, like achy and feverish. I just walk around carrying a box of tissue and this week, I added a cough. Most people would say it's time to go to a doctor. I would strongly disagree them. There's a time to throw antibiotics at something and there's a time to let things take it's course (turn, turn, turn). Insteading of opting for traditional Western medicine, I decided to try traditional Chinese medicine. I visited an acupuncturist on Wednesday. Many, including Michael, will scoff at the idea of acupuncture, but again, I disagree. I got up from my session and did not need to blow my nose and in fact, could breath so easily through both nostrils, I hugged the therapist. Placebo effect? I don't even care. I feel better, so there. I am super thankful for that. Something else happened this week that made me slightly teary with happiness. A federal judge declared Oklahoma's ban on same-sex marriage unconstitutional. I think many people were amazed when this happened in Utah recently, but I think I'm more amazed this happened in Oklahoma. Why should I care about this, especially if I no longer live in OK? I care because of the Jens. Of all the couples and pairings from our friends in undergrad, the Jens have been together the longest. They have seen each other through crappy jobs and grad school. They have a home together with two dogs. They are one of the best examples of what a good marriage should look like and now they will have the opportunity to make their union legal. And can I tell you just how cute it is to see Jen pulling pictures and ideas for their wedding? Yes, it's going to be geeky and awesome, but it's going to be theirs. I am thankful that this has happened for them. I am thankful for this validation for them. It's beautiful.

Good things are happening all around us. We just have to keep our eyes peeled for it. Here's to wonderful long weekend and a very very Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Last Friday, I woke up with a sore throat and the tell tell signs of the beginnings of a sinus infection. Michael fed me a Mucinex D and then I spent the rest of the day impersonating a zombie. We had adult plans for that evening so I was determined to rally and I did, but the next day ended in an Alca Seltzer induced coma. Now every thing is trying to come out through my nose. Everything. Tuesday morning I woke up to a glob of snot slowly trickling out of my right nostril that was the kind of clogged that blowing doesn't even budge things. It was like a vacuum seal bag with a leak. I found the whole thing outstanding particularly when I'd spent all of Monday complaining about the dry pain inside my nose. The inside of my nose resembled the dry barren landscape of the Sahara dessert or Death Valley. I imagined all the usual nasal bacteria crawling along a dessert landscape gasping "water" and seeing mirages of lagoons of crystal clear water. I vowed to move my humidifier from across the room to directly next to my head. Wednesday morning I was up at 4 AM, not because I couldn't breath, but because I had developed a urinary tract infection. I sat on the toilet and whimpered. That pain is so hard to describe. It's the feeling of how sucking on rusty nails tastes. I left the house around 5 AM in search of cranberry juice and AZO and made it two blocks from the house before realizing that I had forgotten my wallet and had to turn around. Which was fine, because I had to pee and cry again any way. Then I spent the next hour driving from Walgreens to Walgreens to CVS to CVS. There's at least one of those drugstores on every other corner around here, yet none of them were open at that hour. I ended up at a grocery store where I was lucky enough to find the things I needed. I spent the rest of the day drinking a mixture of water and cranberry juice and walking back and forth between my cubicle and the bathroom. I finished the day delirious and trying to convince myself and Talaura that Mary and merry sound different (they don't).

You know how as the New Year approached, the days started to speed by faster and faster? Well I feel like that now the New Year is here it has stalled out at this week and slooowwwwedddd waaaaaaaaaaaaay doooooooowwwwwnnnnnnn. It came to a screeching halt, lingering in freezing temperatures, piles of used Kleenex and countless toilet flushes. But even though I woke up to a new dusting of snow on Thursday, I woke up grateful that it was Thursday. I was even more grateful when I got up to pee and it didn't make me cry. Weeks like these make it really hard to find things to be thankful for.

I am thankful for warmer temperatures. I am thankful that I was able to beat this UTI in one day without antibiotics. I am thankful that I used one less Kleenex today than I did yesterday. I am thankful for those few days on the treadmill and those few days on my mat. I am thankful for the knowledge that I get a fresh start next week. And even though it tastes awful, I am thankful for cranberry juice.

Here's to the promise of a wonderful weekend and very Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

A little bit ago, I was contacted by one of my old yoga students. She has family in the KC area and will be here visiting for the Holiday. She wanted to know if we could meet so that I do a private yoga class with her. I tentatively agreed. I haven't taught a yoga class in almost two years. I am flattered that this student remembers me and remembers me fondly. But I'm a little nervous about teaching after so much time off. The thing is, I've been seriously thinking of getting back into the teaching thing again. I've got to get a lot of things taken care of first like CPR renewal and teacher's insurance. I've let all of that slide, but I vaguely remember (though I'm really afraid to say it out loud) being really good at teaching yoga. I got a lot of joy out of sharing my practice with others and maybe that's what made me a good teacher. There have been little signs here and there that have reminded me that this was something I did and did well and maybe it's time I started doing it again. I've been thinking of ways to develop a podcast for some of my old students. Skype yoga. Ha! It's like someone just put corn kernels in the popcorn maker. I'm thankful that this student appreciated me so much that she still thinks of me after all this time. I'm thankful for the shove this has given me to head back into teaching. I have very little going on this weekend besides teaching a yoga class and grocery shopping. This weekend is the calm before the storm. I plan on battening down the hatches, getting some extra rest and having all the things wrapped and ready to pack into the car. Boy, am I grateful for this. They are predicting ice and bad weather for the weekend and there is something very appealing about the idea of hunkering down inside my little house. I am thankful for this moment of peace and ease before the crazy hectic moments of the holiday set in. I feel like a broken record in saying that, but the anxiety and anticipation of what comes not just for me, but for us in the New Year. I am excited about the idea of decorating a new home. I'm thrilled with the prospect of a great American road trip. I'm even thrilled with the idea of reigning in my spending and getting my finances in order. I am thankful for all of that promise.

I am thankful for another project funded. I am thankful for moments on my mat. I am thankful for mac-n-cheese with noodles shaped like bunnies. I am forever thankful you. Here's to a blissful weekend and a truly Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

The closer we get to the end of the year, the faster the days seem to go by. I can remember years when I just wanted to move on to the next year. I just wanted a do over or a restart. I had this idea that the next year would be different, better, less sad, less awful. In between bad years, there are good ones that you just don't want to see end because you're scared that next year will not be as good. This week was the beginning of the speed up for me. One day it was Monday and the next day was Thursday. Except that's not entirely true because I was able to get a jump start on some Christmas crafty things I have going (stockings cut out and ready for the sewing machine, Chad and Jess's ornaments started, and Christmas cards ready for the mailbox). And if things go according to plan, I will have all Christmas things literally wrapped up by the end of the weekend. That would be a record for me to have a whole week before Christmas to not worry about this gift or that or getting what not in the mail. I think I will use that time drinking hot chocolate. As for the coming year, I neither dread or look forward to 2014. I'm not ready to move on and I'm not ready to say goodbye to this year. I expect that there are some pretty awesome things ahead for me in 2014, but I also can foresee some heartbreak. Just like this current year. There is a balance to all things and it's taken me a really long time to figure that out and see that even the bad years contained some good things. I remember one year in particular that Chris and I couldn't wait to end. It was a year of job loss, surgeries, deaths, illnesses, and a general just awful. That was before I started to change the way I looked at things. I couldn't see any thing good. I'm thankful I made that change in my life to find something (anything good). Not to find a silver lining, but to see that yes, this whatever moment sucks but look how beautiful that sky is today. Honing in on finding something good has made the hard things easier to bear. My gratitude practice makes it easier to not take those good moments for granted.

I have good reasons to be thankful. There's a familiar rhythm returning to my daily life and though parts of that rhythm is new, it flows in a way that is consistent. That is something I am more than thankful for. I am thankful for walks to the art museum and new found gardens. I am thankful for you. Here's to a wonderful weekend and a truly Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

The Holiday season inspires people to give to charities. I know that I tend to give a little more, like add change to Salvation Army bucket, donate a book or buy a family breakfast, but the best thing I've done this year is to set up a monthly donation to the Donors Choose program. I have Talaura to thank for that. She's the one that turned me on to that particular charity. I get requests from lots of places, mostly political, for donations. There was a time when I would become overwhelmed with the inability to give to EVERYONE. But there was also this sense that even if I was giving $10 to each of the charity requests that came my way, I still wasn't making a difference. This made me stop trying, stop giving all together. Donors Choose has taught me that I can make a difference and that every month I'm making a difference. I am thankful for this program and I'm so thankful for you who also jump on this band wagon with me. I may not be able to save all of the baby seals from being clubbed to death or have enough money to convince my political party to fight for equality, affordable health care or reproductive rights. But I can, with your help, buy a classroom some books or musical instruments. I think of it as an investment in my future. We are making a difference in our future. Thank you. What else? Let's see...The dryer part Michael ordered came in, which means he can fix the dryer and I can wash clothes. Laundry is not something you'd think I'd be thankful for, but the ability to do laundry in the comfort of my own home is something I am thankful for. I've grown soft over the years and the idea of lugging all the laundry to a laundry mat again makes me want to fall over like a limp rag doll. And since the temperatures are freezing here, there's no drying clothes on the line for me. So, yeah, I'm thankful for clean, DRY, clothes. Michael took CHARGE when the dryer broke. I am not used to that kind of behavior. I worry incessantly about sewage backing up again in the basement, cracks in the basement wall, tiles pulling away from the shower wall, all things homeownery. I have not once worried about the dryer, how I was going to get the dryer fixed, or how I was going to replace the dryer. So, yeah, I'm thankful for Michael taking over this worry for me.

It's cold as balls here, but at least the promised snow has only been a dusting snow. I'm thankful that there were no shovels involved in my morning routine. This will be a Cabbage weekend and it will be chocked full of Christmas parties. Michael's work party is tonight and mine is tomorrow. Somewhere between the two the Cabbage has some sort of birthday party. We will use that moment to drive across town to see about a Christmas present purchase for her (we're getting her a wagon!). I need to make stockings for Michael and the Cabbage and work on a couple of hand made gifts I've got going for some people. This will be one crazy full weekend and I can't wait. I am thankful for all of it.

Here's to a crazy weekend but an ever Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

You know how I said something early this week about giving Michael my sinus infection for his birthday? Yeah...turns out he had (or has) borderline pneumonia. So our house is the house of ills right now. The good news is he went to the doctor who gave him antibiotics and steroids and he's feeling much better. If not a little stir crazy. I came home yesterday to a cleaned out and reorganized spice cabinet. I'm a little scared of what I'll come home to today. Michael went to a walk-in clinic at the CVS on Monday and they told him he just had a bad cold. Two days of fever and chills and Frankenstein noises convinced him to get a second opinion. I am so thankful that he did. I am thankful that he found a good doctor and got the medication he needed. I am thankful that both of us are on the mend. I started the week with good intentions to be on my yoga mat, get active, eat healthier/less and I can honestly say that I've ended this week with those intentions intact. When I couldn't get out of bed for yoga in the mornings, I made up for it by getting on my mat in the evenings. Every day was a treadmill day and lunch was bigger than dinner. I just gave myself a gold star for the week. There's something else I did yesterday that has helped me feel a little cleaner and that was to unsubscribe to all the promotion emails I get (with the exception to Anthropologie...IhatethemIlovethemIhatethemIlovethem). I get TONS of emails a day and maybe only one out 50 are from real people that have sent me an email to really correspond with me. I spent a good chunk of my morning the other day clicking on unsubscribe buttons and it felt goooood. Like real good. I don't know why I didn't do this earlier. I didn't realize how much lighter I'd feel without the daily reminder that the boyfriend flannel is now on sale at the GAP for $39.99 (that doesn't sound like much of a sale to me) or it's buy two get three pumpkin spice scented candles at Bath and Body (aren't they always doing buy 2 get 3 something?). It felt like I was clearing the way for a flood of good emails and sure enough, a few minutes after unsubscribing to five promotional emails, I got an email from Amy with some goods news. So there's something to clearing the bad to make room for the good. I am thankful for Amy's good news and I am thankful for setting those intentions for myself this week.

It is a Cabbage weekend for us. I'm going to try to get her to help me make a pumpkin pie I think. The weather here is going to keep us cooped up in doors and I may be just a little bit thankful for this. Usually we are on the go on Saturdays with grocery shopping and errands. These tasks are tiresome all their own. Throw a three year old into the mix and it's down right exhausting (intothecarseatoutofthecarseatintothecarseatoutofthecarseat). Again, I am thankful for being over the funk and taking my last antibiotic. I am thankful that Michael is also on the mend. I am super thankful to those of you who supported this months Donor's Choose project. Mostly I am thankful for your love and support. When I tell you guys to go donate funds to this or that, you go and do it and I'm wowed. Thank you.

Here's to a recovery weekend and Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

The two weeks leading up to the time change were not good yoga weeks. I would wake up at 4:30 AM, roll over, realize I had an hour, and then conk out for an hour and a half. I couldn't get up and get on my mat. I'd go in to make sure Michael was getting up and he'd say "are you on your mat?" and I'd have to say "no". This is the first time in our relationship where Michael has seen me struggle to get on my mat. He didn't know that this happens on occasion. He didn't realize that sometimes my mat and I just don't really get along. I figured after the time change, things would work itself out and I'd be up at 5:20 AM and ready for my yoga practice. Monday morning came and went, but I made that bargain with myself. I told myself that I would get on my yoga mat some time that day. I took my mat with me to work and at the end of my work day, I found a secluded spot in the gym and did an hour of yoga. I have been on my mat every day this week. Thursday morning, I smiled as I came into headstand and hung out there for a bit. Michael was just about to leave as I got off my mat, that smile still on my face. "What's that smile for?" he asked. I just grinned and said "I had a really good practice this morning. Headstand. Bloop!" I am not perfect. There are times when I eat all of the wrong things and I eat those wrong things in massive quantities (Michael's pizza is Chinese...we've recently banned the buffets). There are days my yoga practice and my daily walks fall apart. I will be cranky and quick tempered. I will hate everything and then I will reach a breaking point when I know, I KNOW, that I have to fix myself. This week was a week of fixing myself. By Thursday, I knew that things were going right. I was finally starting to feel like my old self. I am thankful for that feeling of peace and calm. I am thankful for the joy my practice brings to my heart. I am thankful for the effect this has on my day.

I have started to notice the daily gratitude status updates on Facebook. I see some people struggle with maintaining that daily practice. It's hard. There are times in my weekly postings of Thankful Friday where I struggle. Daily is a whole other beast. I suppose that it is not much different from a daily yoga practice. Actually...it can all be broken down so simply. There was a time when I was trying to flip my negative attitude that I had a daily happiness project. I wrote one thing that had made me happy down in a journal. I do that now with a daily picture. The weekly gratitude posting is no different. Nor the things I choose to eat. All of it is a practice. Michael asked me once why I call my yoga practice a practice. "What are you practicing for?" That's a good question. I never really had an answer for it until just now. My sun salutations are a practice for the routine of daily life. My asana practice is a practice for the times that daily life gets disrupted by difficult things. My final relaxation practice is a practice for saying goodbye. The practice as a whole is a reminder to take that practice off the mat and carry it with me through the day so that all those aspects of life, gratitude, happiness, even sadness become part of the practice. I am thankful for the reminder of how I want to live my life and the person I aspire to be.

First full week of NaNoWriMo is behind me and I've managed to keep up with the 1,667 or so daily word count. I am thankful for this because it's a sense of accomplishment. I am thankful for my new coffee maker and the smell of fresh ground coffee. I've been using pod coffee for far too long. I am thankful for the end of a very long week. I am thankful for all the kind words, thoughts, and prayers that have been sent this way. I am blessed.

Here's a fantastic weekend, but a truly Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Today is the first day of NaNoWriMo. The key to staying on track with 50,000 words is to write 1,667 words a day. That's about two, two and half pages a day, which really sounds like nothing now that I think about it. I was all ready to tell about how I planned on procrastinating. I started a knitting project (this usually guarantees nothing gets done). We're going to Oklahoma this weekend (nothing gets done in OK). Next week I have planned to get back on my meditation horse. All of these things I've planned as road blocks to this NaNoWriMo project seem kind of lame now that I know what 1,667 words a day looks like. So...I guess I have no excuse. This is happening. I've already started knitting together words in my head and I've already started formulating new ideas for other projects. I was hoping that NaNoWriMo would spark my creativity and I think it may be working. I have IDEAS and I'm in the works of implementing those ideas. Yesterday, as I was researching palmistry (maybe later), I discovered that the lines on the left hand are the things the Gods gave you, while the lines on the right hand represent what you've done with those things. A curvy head line represents creativity and spontaneity, while a straight head line favors practicality and structure. The head line on my left hand has more waves than that of my right. I haven't been using those creativity gifts the Gods gave me. It's time to change that. I want to update and edit my Life List. I've always wanted to do a Story Corps project, but could never figure out what that project would be. It came to me yesterday after Chad's Jess received her name. I want to interview Chad and get the story of the names on record (there's a complex story on how Chad received the name 'birdpony'). I have a collaborative cookbook idea I've been kicking around all summer and I want to see that happen because I think it will be a beautiful thing. I'm thankful for the kick in the pants that NaNoWriMo, even if it's just the thought of doing it, has given me. I have so much I WANT to do and there's really no excuse for not doing them.

This weekend Michael will finally meet my family. It seems odd to me that this is just now happening. I'm thankful that it finally is, but I'm a little nervous. Actually, when I think to hard about it, I feel like throwing up. But then I remember all the kind things my family has said to me about a man they don't even know and it's like a saltine cracker and 7-Up. I am thankful to have a family that is so accepting. Blindly so. It amazes me that they have so much faith and support in my choices. That makes it sound like Michael is a poor choice. That's not my intention. Michael is a very good choice, the easiest reason being he makes me happy. I am thankful for him every day. But it's important that the people who love me can also see that he's a good choice and that he makes me happy.

I am thankful for the clearing skies. I am thankful for the most amazing display of Fall colors in the trees (seriously..I can't stop pointing at trees). I am thankful for the routine we are starting to fall into. And I am always thankful for you. Here's to a beautiful weekend and a stunning Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

The Cabbage has been spending time with her grandparents in Iowa for the last two weeks. The last time we saw her was on the fourth and we went bowling and it was awesome, but sad because we knew we wouldn't be seeing her again for a long time. We thought she'd be gone for a month, but plans changed and planets realigned and we will have the Cabbage ALL weekend. I am as surprised as you are about this next part, but I can't wait! We are going to pick out pumpkins to carve from the Farmers' Market and watch My Little Pony and maybe even hang out at Union Station. When Mom and I finally checked into our hotel in Dublin, it was too late to attempt a trip downtown and too early to call it a night. So...we went to IKEA and spent two hours wandering through hordes of people and trying not to impulse buy anything. We got to the kids section and I just exploded. I found the bed I want to buy for the Cabbage's future room and a chair and a swing and a rug and OH MY GOD THE KID SECTION AT IKEA! All of it. I wanted all of it. I don't know what I'm looking forward to the most: moving into a bigger house or decorating a room for the Cabbage. I am amazed at my reaction to her and how she's become just as important to me as her dad.

Michael has often commented about the mess he brings to my life. He says "I'm a mess" and he really is. Good Lord, you should have seen my kitchen the other night after he made pizza. His mess extends to an ex, in-laws, parents and step parents. But he is respectful of my need for clean and order. The Cabbage comes with her own mess, the kind that follows all little kids. I should be annoyed by it, but instead I have embraced it. The mess and chaos is the balance to my OCD tendencies. I'm so thankful for this balance and their presence in my life.

This week I had pizza for dinner Tuesday night, lunch on Wednesday, dinner Wednesday night and lunch on Thursday. I know I've said that I could eat pizza for every meal, but I know now that I need to make an amendment to that statement. I can eat pizza for every meal, but my body can not. My belly is starting to resemble a pizza. This weekend we will sit down and come up with a better, cleaner meal plan for the week. I am thankful that Michael is 100% on board with this.

I am thankful for the promise of this weekend, the pumpkin carving and meeting some of Michael's friends. I am thankful for the promise of good food. I am thankful for the promise of a house full of laughter, love and warmth. And I am always thankful for you.

Here's to a perfectly wonderful weekend and a beautiful Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

I received a comment from someone new on an entry I posted early this week. The person told me that my words helped ease some their own pain from a recent loss. This isn't the first time something like this has happened, but it is rare that someone contacts me to tell me that reading my blog has helped them in some way. I am surprised and humbled every time it happens. The things I write here are often things that I cannot say out loud. The words are too rich and stick in my throat. It's rarely my intention to change minds or heal wounds or ease suffering with the things said here. But I do. I am thankful that I have this platform. I am thankful that I have a positive impact. This week was a Donor's Choose week and this month we picked Mrs. MacDonald's project to buy books for her library. Talaura's nephew goes to that school and that played a large part in our decision to fund it, but I was also drawn to Mrs MacDonald's enthusiasm to teach kids to love reading. There were a few of you that shared my link with others when I posted it on facebook yesterday. You just picked up that little ball I threw out there and ran with it. I am thankful for the donations, but I'm also thankful for that wave of passing it on. I encourage you and you encourage others and it's just this big chain of do gooding. It warms my soul.

I was also contacted this week by my friend Anna, whose mom works in a position that could help us get Dad moved to a hospital closer to home. Her kindness in just reaching out with something, anything, to help us brought me to tears. Even if nothing comes of it, I am thankful for the flicker of hope.

I really am blessed with the bounty of things I can be grateful. That's really what it ends up being at the end of a week, a bounty, because all those little things collect. And before I know it, I have a basket full. I am thankful for delcata squash, warm cups of tea, kind ears that listen to my crazy rants, and you. Here's to a wonderful weekend and a very Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

When Michael and I first met, we'd gone on two dates (technically three) before I went out of town for Amy's wedding. It was during this time that we had, what Michael refers to as, a hiccup. That whole "I need space" episode. When I went to Chicago for BlogHer, he bought a scooter. When I went home for Katrina that weekend, he wrecked his car. It became a joke between us that every time I left town with out him, he did something crazy, stupid, or crazy and stupid. We laughed about the possible shenanigans that he could get into while I was away for a week, but part of me worried too. Would I come home to broken bones or holes in the walls or a burnt out kitchen? I mean, I haven't known this man for very long. Should I trust him to take care of things and not screw around while I was gone for seven days? Could I? Take out all the other words from that sentence and leave it with "could I trust?". Really, that's what it all boils down too. How long do you need to know a person before you really trust them? That's a completely rhetorical question because trust has little to do with time. I recognize that there are different kinds of trust. I tend to fall into that blind trust category of people, also known as gullible. If the category existed, I would have been voted "most likely to hand over car keys to a complete stranger if said stranger asked to borrow my car". Of course that stranger would bring back my car. Well...I say that. In that time between Chris and now, I find myself less trusting or there are more doubts. But those doubts and mistrusts are more towards myself. It's not that I mistrust Michael. It's that I mistrust my faith in believing that things will be OK. I was told once that worrying about bad things happening was like wishing for them to happen. It's not that I worry about the bad things happening as much as I no longer trust for them NOT to happen. Here's the thing though. At some point I have to just throw my arms out for that trust fall. Leaving for seven days was, in a sense, my trust fall.

Michael bought a truck while I was gone. I don't think that was particularly crazy or stupid. He needed to replace his car and the small truck is a practical choice. It turns out that I can trust him to take care of things when I'm out of town. I am thankful that there were no broken bones or burnt out kitchens. I am thankful that he finally replaced his wrecked car. I am thankful that he's gotten so good at being the catcher in my trust falls. But more importantly, I am thankful that I can trust this man with my heart and that has been the hardest fall for me to make.

I am thankful for weather that has allowed roof top yoga and scooter riding. I am thankful for an easy transition back into work after a week away. I'm thankful to be back here, writing again. And I am thankful for you and your kind thoughts and kind words. Here's to a beautiful weekend, but a truly Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

My dad has always been that guy who will tell you the same story every time he sees you. It used to be that he would tell you about some event that happened at the flea market and then a month later he'd tell you that tale again. Gradually, the gap between telling the story shrunk. Months turned to weeks turned to days turned to hours turned to minutes. Because this was something we were just kind of used to from dad, none of us really thought too much about it. Sometime in March, Dad was up for a drive and he took me to dinner. He got confused and a little lost on our way from my house to the restaurant up the street. That was the first inkling that any of us had that there was something seriously wrong with Dad. None of us expected such a drastic decline though. The doctors have finally decided that he has advanced Alzheimer's. So here's the part where I dig deep on finding something to be grateful for. One diagnosis for Dad's illness was Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease (or something like that). It's basically a human form of Mad Cow disease and if you decide to do any reading on it, you will find that it's a pretty scary brain disease. I am thankful that Dad does not have this. Right now he's in a hospital that is at least an hour's drive for my family. Plans are being put in place to move him to a good facility closer to home. I'm thankful for that. I am thankful that he will get the care he needs.

So that's that. Every day this week has been a physical drag for me (I think I need iron supplements). I am thankful for those evenings when Michael has turned to me and said "let's just veg out on the couch tonight". I am thankful that he has taken the mower away from me. That's been a hard battle. I HATE that chore, but I have been the most stubborn about giving it up. I still feel a little guilty for letting him do it. I'm thankful that he's bold enough to put his foot down and say "you are going to let me do this".

I am thankful for all of you who have given to the Donors choose program that we funded this month. You guys continue to amaze me. I thankful for all the kind words and well wishes for my dad. I am thankful for you.

Here's to a weekend where I get everything together. And a very Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Ever get to the end of a week a wonder how you got there? I keep trying to remember what I did Monday or even Tuesday and it all looks like Swiss cheese. I'm exhausted and I have no idea why. It may have something to do with moving the futon from one side of the office to the other and back again because I didn't like the way it looked against that other wall. I am trying to make my little office/yoga space work for two people. Last night I had to let go of the idea of keeping it as a yoga space. I can have my own work space or my own yoga space. That's not really true. I can have both of these things; they just can't be in the same room. And my new mantra has become "this is temporary". Except seeing that written up in type makes me want to change it. Everything is temporary. One day we will be in a new house, one where everyone has their own space, and we will miss each other desperately. I have been frantic with the idea of making room for two people in my tiny 750 square foot home. I have fretted over where toys and computer desks will go. My stomach knots at the idea of us crashing into each other or just simply killing each other. I have worried about him moving into MY space. I used to share that 750 square feet of space with another person and a dog and we were comfortable. I didn't have my own yoga space or even my own office space, but I had a desk and an open floor space for yoga. After Chris died, I stretched out. I took over all of the space, all of the dresser drawers, with no room for another person. I see that now as a metaphor. Creating room in my home for another person is the same as creating space in my heart for another person. I am thankful for those two people I have created space for in my home and in my life. I am thankful for that drawer that I cleaned out that is now filled with little girl clothes.

What else? Well, after weeks of tests and wondering what the heck is wrong with my dad, we will hopefully have some answers today. They are meeting with the doctor this morning to discuss everything and finally get a care plan. I am hopeful that things can be done to make dad feel better and I think all of us are thankful to finally have some answers. In sad news, my brother and sister-in-law had to say goodbye to their chihuahua, Jethro. I am not thankful for that, but I am thankful that we had that little sausage dog in our family. He was a pretty hilarious little dog and he'll be missed.

I am thankful for the cooler temps and the promise of a somewhat less hectic weekend. And I am always thankful for you. Have a super Thankful Friday!