LOVE THURSDAY

Sunday night I forced Michael to watch my favorite Christmas movie, Love Actually (I let him talk me into Red Dawn the night before). He has also been forced to listen to random outbursts of Christmas carols. Last night, while chopping up a sweet potato for black bean sweet potato chili, All I Want For Christmas came booming out of my mouth. Michael went and turned Pandora on the Roku. "Was it because I was singing Christmas songs?" "Yup." Michael's not all that into Christmas and as someone who dropped their religion years ago (don't get freaky and judgmental), I kind of see his point. But I can't help it. I love the songs, the lights, the bells ringing, the bows and that particular cheer that sort of permeates the air. Besides, anybody who knows anything about history knows that Christmas is both a religious and secular holiday. This is the time of year when people tend to behave the way I'd expect and want them to for the whole year. There are more stories on the news about good things. People give more. People smile more. People are more kind to one another. All of these things should happen throughout the whole year and probably do. It just seems more noticeable this time of year. I mean, I'd like people to act this way all the time, but for the month of December, I get my wish of goodwill towards everyone. Oh, I know it's not all Christmas miracles and joy. I know that bad shit still happens. I know that jerks still break in and steal all the Christmas presents. I know that there are still asshats who scam the charity bins. But for every stolen present or charity scammed, there's always someone that steps up to save the day.

It doesn't matter if you are religious or secular. The fundamental backbone of Christmas is love. That's probably why Love Actually is my favorite movie to watch at Christmas. It's about love, lost and found, broken and patched. It could have been placed at any other time of the year, but the soft sparkly lights and magic of the holiday are the things that put the zing in this story. Everything about the Christmas holiday resonates loves. Notice how Billy Mack has such a hard time converting the original verse of "love is all around us" to "Christmas is all around us". His excuse is because he's just used to the original. Maybe so. The original is a bit easier to say, but the remake works so well because "love" and "Christmas" are interchangeable. So bring on the bells and the carols. Bring on the lights. But most importantly bring on the good cheer and love.

Happy Love Thursday indeed!

LOVE THURSDAY

I probably should have considered swapping Love Thursday and Thankful Friday around seeing how Thanksgiving inevitably falls on a Love Thursday. Funny how that happens every year? Any way, it's easy to be thankful on Thanksgiving. So I'll stick to my original plan as best as I can. That's the thing about original plans. They never stay true. Michael is used to hosting Thanksgiving. He usually does all the cooking and everyone would gather at his place. This was his tradition and I kind of feel responsible for wrecking that. My house is too small for large gatherings. The people that would usually show up now have new traditions. My family is a whole state away, spread out through that state like tumbleweeds. This year, instead of entertaining and cooking, all the things he loves, he's spending his Thanksgiving in a car traveling to mom's, to Cindy and Terry's, to dad's, back to Cindy and Terry's and home again. And he's doing it all with no complaints (or very little complaint). So...this is what I want for next year. I want us moved into a bigger house, one with a big cozy kitchen and room for a large dinning table. The kitchen must be large enough to handle two cooks, because Michael will no longer be cooking alone. I want comfortable places for people to sit and relax and little window seat cubby like spots that would hide small sleeping children. I want a fireplace with a crackling fire and a puppy laid out on the rug in front of it. I want the house to smell like cinnamon and cloves and be filled with the sounds of joy. I want the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade playing in a loop on the television. I want new traditions for the three of us. And if I close my eyes, I can see it all so clearly right down to the painted walls. I can taste this dream.

This year can be our transition year. This is the year we trip our way around old traditions. This is the year we meet with the ghost of holidays past. We see how things used to be for each other and get a better understanding of the places we've come from. Because this gives us our foundation. Our place to start. But next year will be our year, not for ghosts, but for conjuring our own spirits of holidays. There's so much to love about this, I don't know where to start.

Be safe in your travels today. Happy Love Thursday!

LOVE THURSDAY

I received that fortune in a fortune cookie at the end of October. It struck me at the time as profound because I was toying with the idea of NaNoWriMo. As we left the table Michael asked "aren't you going to keep that?" I said no because I'd taken a picture of it. This past Sunday, I was getting clothes sorted for laundry. As I lifted up one of Michael's hoodies, a piece of paper floated to the floor. It was that fortune. I picked it up and looked at him. "Did you keep this?" I asked. He said "yeah" and then set it on my computer. "I'm going to tape it right here to remind you to write those words." As of Monday, I had typed a total of 25,513 words. Realizing this made me want to throw up. The idea that I have put that many words all together in one space makes me dizzy. The idea that people may actually want to read those words makes me feel naked and exposed. It makes me want to crawl under my desk or hold down the delete button. What am I doing? I'm not a writer. I'm not a novelist. I have no business participating in a month of novel writing. It is indulgent and delusional. Writing the words that I have already written has been hard and forced me to remember things I would like to forget. They have dredged up the past in way that when I hear Neko Case sing that line from Magpie to the Morning about outrunning sorrow, my chest clenches. Yet every time I say I don't have 50,000 words in me, Michael assures me that I do have 50,000 words in me if not more. He tells me that I have a voice, a very distinctive voice, that people want to read. He says that I am inspiring, and that, in fact, I have no idea how inspiring that I am. And he tells me these things not to stroke my ego or to be my cheerleader. He tells me these things because he really believes that this is true. Like when he tells me I'm beautiful, he really believes that I am beautiful.

And I am still floored by this. It still makes me smack my hand against my forehead in disbelief. I realize that I lack belief. I was working on an imaging service this week that required me to mark and save many positions on one slide. Usually, after I've marked my spots, I go back to a video stage image that shows me all my marked positions. It's like checking your work, reassuring that you've marked all the correct spots. Except on this particular day, the video/stage function wasn't working properly and it didn't show my marked positions. I just had to believe that I had really clicked the right buttons to mark all the spots. I just had to believe that when I hit that start button to start the imaging process that the stage was going to move to all of those places I marked on the slide. And this. Was. So. Hard. The first two times. By the third one I was able to just walk away, accepting the fact that I either did or did not mark all the spots. Essentially I had to believe that the microscope was actually going to do what I told it to do.

It seems my lesson this week is to believe. And I don't mean just believe in any ole' thing, but to believe in myself. I do believe in fairies. I do. I do. I encourage you to do the same on this Love Thursday.

LOVE THURSDAY

Before we left for Oklahoma, Michael asked me if we would be doing any thing fun. I honestly didn't know how to respond to that question. I knew that we would be spending a lot of time in a car and I didn't think visiting dad in a nursing home counted as fun. So I hesitated in my answer. I did my best to explain to him that my parent's home is close to no where. It was only after he actually spent the whole day in a car on Saturday, that it finally sunk in. He looked at me and said "so...they don't deliver pizza out here do they?" Welcome to rural Oklahoma. So as we were packing to leave, Michael said to me "What's one place on our way home you've always wanted to stop, but never do?" I did not hesitate here. Big Brutus.

Every time I travel across Hwy 400 I pass the sign for Big Brutus and every time I think about stopping. I never do because of some stupid reason or the other. When Hooper was around, I couldn't stop because I couldn't leave him in the car. Also I wasn't sure how far Big Brutus was from the Hwy. What if I ended up driving miles and miles out of my way? Seriously. What if? So this time, we stopped. I figured out on the map that if we turned off from Hwy 169 onto Hwy 160 instead of going all the way up to Hwy 400, we wouldn't have to back track. Big Brutus sits somewhere between Hwy 160 and Hwy 400. It is the largest electric coal shovel in the world and now sits in the Mined Land Wildlife Area in Kansas. And it is HUGE. Like 11 million pounds huge. You can see it from the road as you drive into the wildlife area. It's impressive and intimidating and it took some convincing to get Michael to climb up inside the thing with me. Oh, yeah...you can climb up inside. You just can't climb up to the boom area. I think you could at one time, but now it's blocked off with a sign that says something about the insurance company saying they could no longer let people up there. Nice.

It was awesome. What was more awesome was Michael. He didn't complain or try to talk me out of stopping. He was just as game as I was about seeing a giant coal shovel. Later, as we were driving away, I turned to him and thanked him for stopping. But really I should have been thanking him for giving me the permission to stop since it's something I have a hard time giving to myself. He encourages me to get off the beaten path.

And there is so much to see off that beaten path. Happy Love Thursday!

LOVE THURSDAY

Tuesday morning, when the alarm went off and I felt a familiar heaviness in my body, I turned the alarm off and went back to sleep. I slept until 9:30, which is something I haven't done voluntarily in I don't know how long. I spent the day on the couch watching movies on Netflix, knitting a scarf for Michael, and drinking hot tea. I did wash the sheets and the bathmat, but that was the only housework I allowed myself to do. Every once in a while the guilt balloon would float up, but I'd mentally bounce it away. When Michael came home from work he asked me what I did all day, but before I could answer he added "It's OK to say 'nothing'". That guilt balloon popped. And then he said "Sometimes, we just need a day to ourselves." This is a lesson I know and have, in fact, taught to my yoga students. Yet here I was learning it again from a man who never stops moving (even in his sleep - those arms are lethal weapons on an unconscious body). We all need a day to ourselves every now and then, some time to recharge those batteries. I realized that I hadn't had this kind of time to myself since the last time I was out sick with a sinus infection. What was that? August? Before Michael officially moved in. I knew that Amy's wedding would be the start of the ball for me. Like a snowball rolling down the mountain. I just didn't realize that mountain was going to be so tall or that snowball would pick up so much momentum and extra snow. Of course half it was all planned before I introduced two new people into the pile and moved them into my life without so much of a blink of an eye or before we knew we'd be putting Dad in a home. I have transitioned from Summer to Fall in a blur, a blur of mostly good with flecks of sad tossed in here and there. But even the good things need some time for contemplation. There's just been so little time for any of that. So...that snowball flattened me and I let it.

I love that I gave myself that day to recharge. I love that I've learned to be a bit more lenient with myself. It's taken time and it continues to be a daily practice. But I think I've finally learned to lay still for minute to allow that snowball to roll on over before I get back up, brush the snow off and start again.

Happy Love Thursday.

LOVE THURSDAY

I decided that my yoga mat would be my carry-on for my Ireland trip. It was not a last minute decision, but one that took days of contemplation and questioning. My yoga mat is heavy. It's a sturdy thick mat that I love, but it's weight is fierce. I made the mistake a few years back of pairing down my yoga supplies and part of that was tossing out a thin travel mat. I'm real good at throwing things away. Lugging my heavy mat through airports was not an easy decision. Michael and Talaura both, when asked, agreed that yes, I needed to take my mat. And so I did. I lugged my heavy mat from security check point to security check point. I ran through the Heathrow Airport with it banging against my back. I carted it from hotel room to hotel room. My mat traveled Ireland. I used my mat that first morning in Ireland. Well, I say morning. Mom and I both woke up around the same time. I asked her the time and she looked at her watch and said "5:30". I usually get up around this time every morning any way, so I got up and got on my mat. It was near the middle of my practice when I began to wonder why the sun wasn't coming up and looked at my phone. It was not morning, but just after midnight. Mom had looked at the wrong watch. No matter, I had a good practice and then went back to bed. After that, I only managed to make it my mat a couple of times, but each time I did was worth the weight of that mat.

I have not been very good at getting up in the mornings to do my practice this week. My body feels sluggish partly do to hormones and partly because I can tell the time change is coming. There's probably a little dosha imbalance going on with all of that. I am patient with myself when I feel this way. I make bargains. It's OK to skip this morning if I....But Wednesdays are class days. I will and did carry my heavy mat to work for yoga class last night and it was once again worth the weight. It reminded me of the things we carry with us. Some of those memories are so heavy. We carry them with us even though they weigh our shoulders down and at time make even our hearts feel heavy. But then we tell that memory to someone and feel that weight lift while we tell the story. When we're finished telling the tale, we feel the weight of that memory settle back into place. It is a comfort, like the weight of a well placed sand bag in savasana.

My yoga mat has seen me through the worst hard times. It has been to Ireland and back. I have grown to love the weight and heaviness of it. I know it's time to replace it. I have worn Sun Salutation grooves into it. I know it's time for a new one, but not just yet. Let me enjoy the weight of this one for just a bit longer.

Happy Love Thursday.

LOVE THURSDAY

Yesterday, Talaura and I were chatting (normal day) and we started talking about casting spells for this reason or that. This of course, led us to the internet where we discovered spells for all kinds of things. You can cast a spell to be closer to your cat or to know if you should travel. There's literally a spell for everything. Any way, we both agreed to work on one particular spell, but I didn't know how to "cast a circle". Again...the internet has everything. I now know how to cast a circle. The month of October always makes me nostalgic for those days when I was a kid and I believed in magic and conjuring. It's not just because of Halloween, though that plays a big part. There's something about the crispness in the air, the smell of apples and the leaves on the sidewalks. It invokes images of giant pots simmering on open flames. I played witch when I was a kid. I yanked up things out of mom's flower beds and stirred them in pots of water and wiggled my fingers over them because that's how they did things on TV. Those were the years where I still believed that I could make something happen, just like jumping on a crack would break my mom's back. There was nothing dark about it, just hopeful romantic fun.

A lot of those spells we looked at yesterday were like meditation. You sat in your circle and meditated on the thing you wanted or were looking for, not too different from prayer really. I was drawn more to the sentiment of it. The simplest "spell" involved sitting for 10-15 minutes thinking about this one thing. I like the idea of sitting and wishing for good things for the people I love. At some point we grow up and realize that we can't really conjure up things with spells. We lose the belief in that kind of magic, but only to replace it with a different kind of magic. The magic of a kind smile, the energy we send out when we love, is more powerful than any cauldron of boiling herbs and voodoo.

I want you to know that I feel that from all of you and your kind words and send it right back in equal kindness.

Happy Love Thursday.

LOVE THURSDAY

The thing that struck Mom and I the most about Ireland was the vegetation. They don't call it the Emerald Island because it's made of green jewels. They call it that because of the lush greenery that sprouts out of everything from a plain old dirt ground to an iron manhole cover. Plants that we nurture and baby here as house plants just grow wild on the side of the road there. We spent most of our time there pointing at flower pots and trees and Jurassic sized ferns. I took pictures of one four things while I was there: sheep, old churches, cemeteries and plants. Actually...I have a lot of pictures of flowers. A lot.

But dang! They were so pretty.

Our favorite day had to be the day we messed up the Ring of Kerry and ended up back in Killarney. We decided to stop and see Muckross Abbey before heading into the town for lunch. A man approached us as we got out of our car and asked us if we'd like to take a "jaunty cart" tour of the area. My first inclination was to say "no" because I figured we'd be falling for some kind of tourist trap, but as he told us all the places we'd see, I said "yes! Yes, let's do that!". He helped us up onto our side of the buggy, gave us a plaid blanket for our knees, hopped up onto the opposite side of the buggy and off we went trotting down the lane with the wind in our hair. As we approached Muckross House, I couldn't shake the feeling that we were arriving for a ball except our clothes were all wrong.

Our guide was the stoic type, but he was sure to point out all of the appropriate sites along with some historic tidbits. He was also really good about answering every question I asked him. The Lakes of Killarney are dotted with little islands. I know that if I were a kid growing up on the lakes there, I would have spent whole summers exploring those islands, building forts and camping out. I was pleased to see the twinkle in our guide's eye when I asked him if he'd been on any of the islands. He replied simply with an "aye" and a mischievous smile.

He may have been a man of few words, but he did recognize that he was carting around two women who were enamored with all the vegetation. He pointed out several elms that he claimed to be 400 years old and yew trees. He told us how the monks purposefully built their abbey around an ancient yew tree. The abbey is in ruins, but that tree still stands strong and true. Mom and I both were like "Oh...that's what a yew tree looks like!". He stopped at Muckross House and made us get off the cart to walk around the flower gardens in the back. We could have spent hours out there studying all the different varieties of dahlias.

If you had told me five years ago that I would go to Ireland and fall in love with all the plants I would have said "Phsha..pour me another Guinness.". But that's exactly what happened. I fell for the lush green leaves, the ferns, the soft squishy moss, all of it. It was like walking inside a terrarium and the beauty of it stole our voices.

Happy Love Thursday.

P.S. You can see more of my pictures from Killarney here.

LOVE THURSDAY

I have never had a thing for sports. I like to root on my alma mater (go Pokes!) in college football and the idea of soccer is appealing, but I'm not really into watching games or keeping up to much with any of it. It's not that I don't like sports. I'm just apathetic. Michael is really into baseball. He is, has always been, a Kansas City Royals fan. Every evening he tells me what's going on in the world of baseball like who won this game or that game and what that means for future games. He has boxes of baseball cards. The man loves baseball and it's really kind of cute. I've never been to a Major League Baseball game before, but I always liked the idea of going. Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jacks and all of that pure Americana nostalgia. Saturday night, Michael took me to my first Royals game and my very first MLB game. Did you know that if it's your first ever game, you get an Official Royals Fan certificate? I didn't either!

The Kaufman Stadium is known as one of the most beautiful baseball stadiums and it is really nice. Saturday's game was sold out and they were only doing standing room only tickets when we showed up. The stadium was packed, but I never felt overly crowded. They have a Hall of Fame Museum that you can tour, which we did because it totally counts for the Life List.

But my favorite part, my absolute favorite part, was the veggie hot dog. You cannot go to a baseball game and not eat a hot dog. It's a thing! It's part of the experience. Baseball, hot dogs, fireworks and apple pie. Fuck yea. Kudos to the American Baseball League for recognizing that some of their fans are vegetarian.

It was delicious. The whole evening was delicious.

Happy Love Thursday!

LOVE THURSDAY

This summer was fairly mild as far as temperatures go. It got hot here, but not as hot as I was used to, living in Oklahoma. I should have been more grateful for this. When I was a kid, the heat would be so oppressive that after two months of it, Dad would say "enough!" and we'd head to the cool mountains of Colorado. We'd trade in our shorts and flip flops for sweatshirts and hiking boots. It would be late August and I'd be stealing every blanket in the camper to stay warm while my friends in Oklahoma would be sweating it out. Escaping the heat of Oklahoma for a week was always nice, but I never minded the heat. I remember the summer Mom got a new refrigerator and I got to keep the box it came in. I'd play in that box all day if Mom had let me, but it was so hot, the box was like an oven. Mom would come out to check on me and find me laying in my oven box like a limp noodle and she'd make me get out and come inside. That box was my own personal sauna and I loved it. I was fascinated with the way asphalt would radiate the heat in waves and how the tar in the street cracks would bubble up. You could pop the bubbles with your bicycle tires. One of the best things about riding the scooter during the dog days of summer was stripping down to my tank top and rolling my pants up to my thighs, coating myself in sunscreen and heading out. I could feel the heat radiating up from the road and it was bliss. I am a warm weather girl. Or so I thought.

I thought I would be more upset about the crispness that has creeped into our mornings here. I thought I would grumble more about having to wear a sweater in the evenings. I thought I would cringe at the sight of the bins of pumpkins showing up at the grocery store. Instead I find that I'm ready for a change of season and that I've grown accustomed to the end of one and the beginning of another. Remember how you used to wish Summer would never end? No more pencils. No more books. No more teachers' dirty looks. Then we reach that age where summers are just no more teachers' dirty looks. The constant drone of summer, the cicadas never ending hum starts out soothing. In fact you may even take the time to notice it and say "this! this is the sound of summer". But after time you realize you are sighing with relief as you enter a building, not because of the cool air, but because of the silence. Because seasons are shiny new toys or visitors. They can wear out a welcome. I suppose this is why I am not so sad to see the leaves beginning to change and why I've got a craving for Frito-chili-pie and honey crisp apples. I am ready to fall.

Happy Love Thursday!

LOVE THURSDAY

The first thing Michael did when we got home, the VERY first thing, was to go straight out to the backyard to check on and water the garden. The man is obsessed with the radishes he planted. I may have created a monster. He spends more time fussing over the garden than I do. But to be honest, I am a lackadaisical gardener. The first year of the garden I hardly ever watered the garden, but that was also the summer we got lots of rain. Things have been really dry around here this summer, but I still water like it's not. Michael waters every day. He spends time thinning out the radishes he planted and all but takes actual daily measurements of the other things we planted. Last night we toured a house that we thought might be the dream house. The inside was awful, but in the process we met a Realtor that we both really like. Michael told her the list of things we were looking for and he said that it must have room and lighting in the backyard for a garden. Without any prompting from me. But it's not just the garden. Early Saturday morning, Michael suggested that he hike out to the car and get my yoga mat for me. At first I said no, but then I could feel my achy hip and changed my mind. He didn't just go get my mat, but he also rolled it out in our camping area. He set up my yoga mat and made sure that I got on it. And when we talked to the Realtor last night, he was adamant that I have a yoga room.

At some point in the middle of Mumford and Sons, Michael turned to tell me that he was going to the bathroom and then asked me if I wanted anything while he was out that way. When he passed by Talaura, I heard him ask her the same thing. As he weaved his way away through the crowd, Talaura turned to me and said "He's nothing like Chris, but he still takes care of us." It's true. He's nothing like Chris but he still takes care of us.

Happy Love Thursday.

LOVE THURSDAY

Sunday morning, we were being pretty lazy. We'd eaten breakfast. We'd watched CBS Sunday Morning. We'd made really bad hot chocolate. The Cabbage watched cartoons. Eventually we all found ourselves back in bed with the Cabbage using me and Michael as her personal climbing gym. Then the Cabbage asked "what are we going to do today?" and Michael replied "I don't know. What do you want to do today?" "Go to the zoo!" said the Cabbage. Michael and I looked at each other and shrugged. Why not? What else were we going to do that day? So, we got up, cleaned up and went to the zoo. It turned out to be a pretty decent day for it too. The weather was nice and it wasn't too crowded. We saw monkeys and rode the train. We saw kangaroos lounging in the shade of tall trees (the kangaroos kind of roam free at our zoo). We ate Dip-n-Dots. I believe this was the Cabbage's first exposure to Dip-n-Dots because of the look on her face when we fed her that first bite. Michael bought the Dip-n-Dots while the Cabbage and I were riding the carousel. As we were exiting the ride, all the Cabbage saw was that her dad was eating ice cream. She was all "Ice cream! Ice cream!" until I shoved a spoonful into her mouth. You could see her rolling the beads of ice cream around in her mouth and deciding if this was something she agreed with. Dip-n-Dots are now Cabbage approved.

But the best thing at the zoo had to be the elephants. I'm not just saying that because elephants happen to be my favorite animal and I love them and would have one in my backyard as a pet if someone would let me (no one every lets me). I say this because as we walked up to the elephant enclosure, one elephant started to trumpet loudly. Another elephant came running over and then all of the elephants gathered together in a defensive circle. Some of the elephants were making a low rumbling sound. They stood that way for several minutes, gently swaying but staying on high alert. We kept looking around to see what could have caused the ruckus. We thought maybe there was a baby hidden in the middle of the herd, but there wasn't. Then, finally, they all mosied off in opposite directions. It was the oddest, most fascinating moment at the zoo and for days after one of us would just stop what we were doing and say "hey! what about those elephants at the zoo?".

Happy Love Thursday.

LOVE THURSDAY

Michael and I have talked about the future. In particular, we've talked about living together. I think couples should move in together on neutral territory and so we've talked about buying a house. We've talked about what we'd both want in a new home like how many bedrooms or what side of the state line (Missouri). The Cabbage needs a room of her own and we both need our own space. These are the things that we just put out there, things to think about and talk about until we actually really make a decision. We figured we'd make that decision closer to the time his lease is up for renewal in late winter. Saturday, after we had the scooters serviced, we rode around some of the neighborhoods we both liked and looked at houses for sell. We just wanted to see. Just window shopping. We rode the scooters all over the place, stopping at one house or another. We'd walk around some of the houses and peek into the windows and talk about the things we liked and didn't like about that particular home. Where would the garden go? What about chickens? Important things. We looked at several houses and then we found the one. We found that house that we wanted to buy. The perfect house. It was the kind of house that made us bump up that time frame for decision making. It made us talk about budgets and saving and how much easier that would be if we were living in my house with the car payment sized mortgage. It made him look for loop holes in his lease and it made me clean out drawer and closet space. And during those moments of our planning, when I'd look at him with panicky eyes, he'd grab my hand and say "I'm just ready to get on with the rest of our life."

And so am I. That stuff we did on Saturday? That's the kind of thing Chris and I used to do. I even took a picture that day that reminded my of pictures I'd taken of me and Chris. Michael is not Chris, but I don't look any less happy in that picture. Part of me wants to be terrified at how fast we're going forward with this. He hasn't met any of my people and I've only met a handful of his. But I know what right feels like. This feels right and that's what makes these decisions so easy. I've come to realize that loving someone new is not the scary part. The scary part is letting myself give and take and to let someone share in my daily tasks of life like mowing the yard and taking out the garbage or paying bills. I feel like I'd gotten really good at being on my own and it took hard lessons and practice to get there. There's a tiny voice in the back of my brain that says "what if you have to teach yourself that stuff all over again?". Well...so what if I do? And that my friends is the first time I've ever won the What If Game.

Happy Love Thursday!

LOVE THURSDAY

I finally got a chance to go to the Frida and Diego exhibit at the Nelson over the weekend. We went just in the nick of time too because it was the second to the last day for the show. I almost waffled on going because we had the Cabbage with us. I worried that she'd be so bored and truth be told, she was. All morning I kept saying things to her like "hey! let's go see Frida!" or I'd ask "are you ready to go see Frida?" like we were really going to see a person named Frida. Every time, the Cabbage would reply "but where is she?". I thought it was funny that she never asked who Frida was, but was only curious to know where Frida was. Any way, despite having to be carried through most of the exhibit, she was fine. There was an almost melt down towards the end when we were forcing her to walk to the car, but ice cream is an amazing bribe. I started a new charity walk right there. We walk for ice cream. (Side note: That reminds me. Remember how Chris used to trick me to go with him to Office Depot by telling me we were going for ice cream? I have the mind of a two-year-old.)

Frida is not my favorite artist. Really, I prefer the artwork of Diego Rivera. I just like the roundness of his paintings. All the things in them look full, like fat baby arms and fingers, the kind you want to pretend to nom on until the baby giggles. I love and respect Frida for her spirit and her role as an early feminist and her blatant disregard to conformity. She didn't have that uni brow because she didn't know how to groom herself. That uni brow was one of her fuck yous to society. It said "I have hair that grows here, so let it. Deal with it." Her confidence in who she was as a woman and an artist is heroic. She lived her life outside the box of "normal" and I can't help but respect her bravery. She wasn't just brave. She was brave in her vulnerabilities. She was the original selfie.

I want to be as brave as Frida. I want to be able to be that comfortable with who I am. I want to live my life outside the box. I'd like to think that I do. Oh maybe I don't so it with the same kind of flare and passion that Frida did. We can't all walk around with jazz hands or someone will get slapped in the face. But I can live my life with integrity and honesty. With bravery and vulnerability. But without the uni brow (I don't really have an issue with that. my hair just doesn't grow there).

Happy Love Thursday folks!

LOVE THURSDAY

My department has been hosting a Microscopy Symposium this week at the institute. Two of those days included guest speakers, researchers doing relevant things in microscopy. What I loved about this is that both of our guest speakers just happened to be women. I know that my boss didn't choose these speakers based on their gender. In fact I'm positive that this didn't even cross my boss's mind when he was looking for speakers. They were chosen based on their work and it's relevance to our symposium. Which is how I'd want to be chosen for some such thing. I hear a lot of talk about getting young girls interested in math and science. The idea is that there is an inequality in male to female ratio in the science industry. Statistically, this may be true. I am the only girl in my department, but I have been lucky enough to have had work environments that are fairly equal. Not only have I been fortunate enough to have worked in these places, but I have worked for and with some pretty amazing and awe inspiring women. I can also honestly say that I have never felt less than any of my male peers. Yes, there have been a few occasions when I have felt like a man was treating me like I didn't know anything because I am just a girl, but all of those instances occurred when dealing with a man in maintenance or grounds and housekeeping, usually a man less educated. There are twenty principal investigators here and seven of those are women. Those are women with PhDs running their own labs. I'm positive at one time my industry was pretty tough on women. In fact I know it was because I've heard the stories from the women before me, but thankfully these women have forged the way for the rest of us.

That's not to say that I don't think we should be encouraging girls to be more interested in the math and sciences. I just think we should be encouraging them for the right reasons. I was never discouraged from pursuing math and sciences as a young girl. I had great teachers, male and female, who encouraged my interests in science and made learning fun and engaging. We need to encourage young girls today not because there's a lack of women in science, but because they need to know that they are just as capable of doing math and pursuing research as any boy. But there's more to it than this. We need to be encouraging these girls to pursue the things that engages them. The lesson should be "You can be ANY thing you want to be", not "you can be a scientist".

Sarah is constantly telling me how hard it is to find a female scientist role model for her daughter and how great it is that she can point to me to be that role model for her. But I don't want to be a female scientist role model. I just want to be a role model. I want little girls to look at me and not just see "scientist". I want them to see someone who is doing a job they love and know that they can have that too.

Girl Power for your Love Thursday!

LOVE THURSDAY

He has all these stories of past loves. I only have one. I know that most people have had more than one love in their lives. But I have only had one. This scares me. It makes me think there’s something wrong with me, that I’ve never been able to open my heart up to anyone before Chris. And then I remind myself that I was nineteen when we met. Nineteen. I was so young. I’m pretty sure that I more than care for this man. This man that is not Chris. I’m struggling with what this means to me; reconciling with the idea of being able to say those words out loud. Those words hold so much weight and I don’t want to make the mistake of using them lightly. There’s also a part of me that feels guilty for feeling this way towards this man. It’s not fair that I should be able to have a second chance at love. What makes me so special that I get a second go around? Then I have friends who remind me that there are people out there who have had third, fourth and fifth chances. What makes these people more deserving than me?

Those three words have been rolling around in my brain for days, just threatening to fall out of my mouth involuntarily. The other day they were so loud and large in my head that I was sure he could see them scrolling across my forehead like ticker tape. The man bought a scooter. For the love of Pete, he bought a motherf*@#in scooter! We rode our scooters to dinner last Thursday. I was worrying about the things I’d written for Friday’s blog post. I was worrying about his feelings, his judgment of reading things about Chris. Would he worry that I would never be over Chris? Would he worry that there isn’t room for him? I told him not to read that entry and I told him why, voicing all of those worries. And before I could say anything else, he grabbed my hand, looked me straight in the eye and said “Cindy. You will never be over him.” I knew then.

But when do you say those words? What if it’s too soon? What if I hold onto those words for too long? I remember when Melissa announced that she and Richard were getting married. I remember worrying about how fast it all happened. Melissa said that life is too short and Chris agreed with her. He told me that she was was right and we shouldn’t worry about her. I’ve heard so many stories of people moving forward with love in such short time frames and every time I think “that’s so fast!”. Yet here I am, now on the other side of that window and I told him those three words.

Happy Love Thursday.

LOVE THURSDAY

I am headed to Chicago for BlogHer '13! To be honest, I haven't been really thrilled with the idea of attending this conference. I wasn't even going to make up business cards. I thought about taking my old business cards and using a marker to cross out the year and write in the '13. Chris was the one who always made my cards. I just didn't have the energy to hack into his email account and find the old ordering information. But then I thought "meh...I could do this" and so I did. Then I only let one person proof read it before I checked the "order" button. I'm sure Chris was swirling around in his can through the entire process. Any hoo, cards are made and I am ready. I think it's easy to get caught up in the razzle dazzle of BlogHer. It's just gotten so big (Queen Latifah is going to be there, Wha?!?!). I mean, it was a big deal when I went the first time in 2010 (dear me...really?). Now it's HUGE and I have no idea what's on the agenda. I haven't looked over anything. I barely know how I'm getting from the airport to the hotel (I think a train and a taxi? I should figure that out before I land). Even though I am not all too excited about attending BlogHer this year, there have been a couple of things that kept me from selling my ticket. First of all, I have an idea that's been knocking around in my head for some time now. I think it's a good idea, but I'm not sure where to begin with it. I know for fact that there are some pretty dang amazing women that I will get a chance to hang out with while we are at the conference. I also know, and plan on, picking their brains for ideas and suggestions on where to begin with this project in my head.

The other reason for going is, I know for a fact that there are some pretty dang amazing women that I will get a chance to hang out with. Really? That's it. I have received and sent out virtual hugs to Suebob and Schmutzie and Kizz. Now I will get to give them a real hug. These people always inspire me to be a better blogger. I can't wait to see them and meet some new people. I can't wait to see Chicago (I've only been once on a day trip with mom and dad).

P.S. I tend to not blog while I'm at a blogging conference. Yes, I know...but I just can't get my thoughts organized when I'm actually there. You'll hear all about it next week. Promise.

LOVE THURSDAY

I met Xander for dinner on Tuesday. We hadn't seen each other since he helped me paint my office. I think we were both craving an update. We talk about the dark parts of things and then laugh at the ridiculousness of living this crazy life. I always think I'll impart some sort of wisdom and good juju onto Xander, but really the wisdome and good juju comes from that kid. I learned about man candles (candles shaped like men) and I've just been walking around saying "man candles" for no reason. Shout it! MAN CANDLES! It's like putting nuts and gum together (only a small few will catch that and giggle...sigh). Xander reminded me of something. He was talking about someone new and he got that particular smile on his face while he was talking. He'll completely deny this; he denied it when I mentioned it at dinner. I think he was just unaware that he was doing it. Do you know what I mean by that particular smile? It's that smile you get when you think of someone special. It's the smile I get when I tell stories of my time with Chris. I also get that smile when I talk about my friends or I remember something Chad or Talaura sent me in text. It's that smile that you just don't feel on your face, but in your heart. I know that sounds corny, but I know you know what I'm talking about. That smile that tugs on the heart strings. Because I think all of us have some sort of crap going on in our lives right now, I want us all to take a collective moment to think about something that invokes that kind of smile. Then, I want us to hold onto that thought all day. This is sort of like an all day meditation practice. Other thoughts and crap are going to filter in, just like in meditation. And let them. That's just how the brain works. Let those crap thoughts filter in and then make a conscious effort to go back to the smile thought. Just for today.

I think we are all going to have a good Love Thursday.

Thank you to everyone who has donated to this month's Donors Choose project. That's my smile thought for today.

LOVE THURSDAY

This time last year I was visiting Talaura in New York City. We were crossing off a Life List item and sprinkling ashes at the Statue of Liberty. On the evening of the 4th, we sat on a roof top in Brooklyn with a bottle of wine and watched fireworks. And as I type those sentences I realize just how much I miss Talaura and New York. I miss the best falafel sandwich. I miss the subway rides. I miss seeing all those little kids zipping around on Razor scooters. I miss the sites, smells and sounds of that glorious city. When I'm there, I always think "I could do this. I could totally live here." Then I remember how much I paid for my house versus how much Talaura paid for her apartment and I'm good. But it's more than the city that I miss. I miss seeing that place through Talaura's eyes. One of my favorite things is that look she gets on her face when she's trying to spot a rat in the subway or the two of us trying to keep straight faces while being accosted by a street person. And I had no idea this is the direction that this entry would take, but there it is. My first trip to NY for BlogHer '10 set in motion the beginning of a love affair that will never grow old. That first trip, I fell head over heels. Every time I eat gazpacho I think of Talaura and I eating gazpacho while sitting on the front stoop of that deli. The other day I saw a guy riding his bike down the street. He was wearing a garbage bag and tinfoil hat (I was driving and couldn't get a picture) and I was reminded of New York. Sometimes when I'm sitting in my backyard, if I close my eyes, I can imagine that I'm sitting in Central Park. All of my memories from both of those visits are good and I can see them so clearly in my head. I wish I would have planned better so that I could have been there this year to help Talaura move into her new home. Instead, I will start scheming for next year because NY has turned out to be one of those places that I need to visit as often as possible.

My Fourth of July plans are pretty simple this year. I'll make gazpacho. I'll head over to the rooftop of our parking garage and set up the camera and try to get some pictures of the various fireworks displays that are planned around the city. Then, I'll raise a glass of wine and toast in the direction of NY and Talaura.

Happy Love Thursday!

LOVE THURSDAY

Amy's wedding is an obvious choice for this week's Love Thursday entry and her wedding was truly lovely. It was full of tiny details and things that girls will pin to Pinterest for future reference, but that is not the reason for making it a Love Thursday post. All of us who know Amy all thought that this wedding, the big girly princess show of it, was out of character for Amy. She hates standing up in front of large crowds and having people stare at her. But she does like to do crafty things. That may have been part of her reason for putting together this elaborate affair. It gave her the excuse to sit down and make things. I think the real reason why she did all of that work to put together this wedding, is because this one really matters. I believe Amy has finally met her match in Roger. This was not just a wedding to join two people into the bonds of matrimony, but a celebration to honor the love and respect they have for each other. The two of them glowed like glowworms through the entire event, the joy and happiness radiating off them in waves.

I am in the process of learning to accept romance. The word "romance" always implied something false to me. Romance is frilly things and candy hearts, all the things that set my teeth on edge. But I am learning to accept that sometimes we do and say things in a truly honest way that can be construed as romantic. This weekend helped in teaching me this lesson. I am an honest romantic. When Roger talks about Amy, you know without a doubt that he loves her. Turns out I get all teary when I hear someone declaring his true feelings to someone I care for and want the best for. Those good things that I've wanted for the people I love all seems to be happening right now, in this moment. With the Supreme Court striking down DOMA, who knows? Maybe the next wedding we all go to will be the Jens'.

Happy Love Thursday!