I NEED TO WRITE
Cindy Maddera
"02/366"
I had an appointment with my massage therapist, Jeana, last Thursday. She's got a new bio-mat that fits the whole bed now. The bio-mat is warm and filled with amethyst crystals and magical powers (not really). Jeana is also filled with magical powers. She knew just by looking at me that I had been on a road trip because one hip was higher than the other, which she addressed but this is about my hands. She does this thing where she pulls my fingers back towards my elbows and massages my palms. This time when she did it, I wanted to come off the table and karate chop it. At the same time, a voice in my head screamed "I NEED TO WRITE!"
When she moved on, I was left with those words echoing around in my brain. What the fuck was that?!? Yeah, I mean, I know I need to write. I've got unfinished business, but it's unfinished because I'm lazy and apathetic. But this voice wasn't telling me I needed to do this because I need to do this. It was more of an internal primal need, like needing to pee. It was an urgent shout of need. If you would have handed me a pen and paper, I would have just gone to town writing a bunch of jibberish. Then, just like that, the voice was quite and I set the thought aside. I went on as normal. Then on Saturday, as we were driving to the sledding park, Michael was talking about something. I don't remember what he said, but something in the middle of my chest screamed "I NEED TO WRITE!" and it was so forceful that I felt my breath catch. I mentally slammed my heart back into my chest and told it to "shut up!"
Sure, I get it. I really really really need to finish something I've started. I know this. I'm just struggling with time. I know this sounds like a cop out, but really I have so many little side projects going. Besides keeping up with the blog, I'm taking pictures for my 365 Day Selfie project and my 365 Day Happiness project. I've carved out fifteen minutes in the mornings for meditation. Then there's work, where instead of taking a lunch break, I walk and get on my yoga mat. I eat a quick lunch at my desk before heading off to the next task. Once I'm home there's dinner to be made and people and animals that need my attention and TV to watch. Then when I finally have a moment, I am easily distracted with Facebook and Instagram and Twitter and who said what where.
I am sure this sounds familiar to many of you. I'm sure you all struggle with some version of the above. I just remembered that some time soon I need to do my taxes and I really need to sit down and create a spreadsheet of credit card debt. See? There's too much. How am I supposed to get the things done that I am supposed to get done and still have time to do the things I want to do? I remember the first time I sat down to write out my Life List and how it took forever because I kept putting things on the list that I should do. Practical things, like get photos organized. Which, by the way, I need to sit down and re-work that list because my life is different. I'll tell you what I need. I need to channel Benjamin Franklin. How did he do it?!?
All I know is that I better figure out something or I'm going to look like a crazy person walking around telling myself to shut up.