OMENS

Every morning, just before seven, a murder of crows fly south over my house. I know this because this is what time I am out opening the chicken coop for the day and feeding the chickens. How very Little House on the Prairie this makes me sound, even though I am far from the prairie. Right around dusk, that same murder of crows fly back over my house in the direction they came from. I have no idea where they settle for the night or how they spend their day. I only know of their comings and goings. Back and forth. I only know their daily commute, but I wonder about them and where they go.

I have a friend I met through camp who is almost intimidating in her coolness. I feel every bit of my nerdy geek girl self when I am standing in her presence. I might as well be wearing broken glasses, taped together between the eyes and orthopedic shoes and my arms filled with all of my science textbooks that I’ve kept since college. She’s just badass and cool and she’s constantly driving off into sunsets on solo car/camping trips. She posts beautiful pictures of her surroundings and every time I see them, I feel a pang of jealousy. I find myself jealous of the position she puts herself in to be able to acquire those photos. I am jealous of the mindset that allows her to pack up the car and go. I’m not sure I have ever been in a pack up and go mental state. Not even in that brief period when I was single. Oh man, talk about missed opportunities. If there was any time in my life to run off on my own for a weekend, that would be it.

I think about where I was in my head at that time and realize that I did not have room in there for those kinds of thoughts. I am not the person I was then. I don’t feel like I’m the person I was this time last year. I sort of feel like I’ve become a person I don’t want to be. This is not an unusual feeling for me at this time of year; this is old self doubt. All the things I should be more of and less like. This feeling happens this time year because I leave so very little time for myself or I realize just how little time I have left for myself. Michael and the Cabbage will sleep until noon if left undisturbed. I move around the house extra quietly on Sundays to maximize my alone time. Every time I think I might get a day to myself, I always get shanghaied into something else and the things I had put on the top of my todo list get booted to the footnotes. But now I’m thinking of that murder of crows and how it would be nice to fly off somewhere for a day or two. Move those todo things out of the footnotes and back to the top of the list. Move myself from the footnotes to the top of the list.

Here is what my magic crystal eight ball predicts for the future. I will scoop up the dog, throw a change of clothes and toothbrush into a bag, grab my camera and jump into the car. I will choose a random spot on the map and go. Not just once. This is will be a regularly scheduled event. I have plans for myself in 2022.