THE THINGS I DON'T REGRET

I thought I was firmly planted in the idea of living a life with no regrets. It was a philosophy I shared with Chris. No Regrets! Really, though it might not be truly possible to make it through life without a few regrets. In my dwelling on and contemplation of regrets, I’ve discovered that I have more regrets than I would like to admit to having. This list started growing after…Some of those regrets would not have changed the trajectory of the life I am currently living, but I keep them filed away for later reference anyway. Regrets don’t have to be all bad; they can be very educational. It is not my intention to list my regrets. Those regrets are mine to hold close to my chest and when I lay on my death bed, I will whisper “You will never know my regrets.” to whoever is in the room or no one before slipping away from this earth. The things I do not regret are easy.

In 2008, Chris and I had zero business buying scooters. We were broke and our credit was so bad, I had to get Dad to co-sign on my loan. It was the best spur of the moment decision we ever made. I tended to hold us back on things requiring money and timing. We’ll buy a house when the timing and our finances are more secure. We’ll have a baby when we’re financially stable. We did buy a house when the timing was right. We were never financially stable enough for a baby. My choice and for sure not a regret. Particularly now. The decision to buy the scooters at the time we bought them went against all of my practical judgements. For someone raised to be practical, to avoid buying the expensive red shoes, but instead buying the expensive shoes in a color that goes with all things, purchasing the scooters felt shocking and bad girl.

I’d do it again and again a million times over.

After Chris died, I made a choice to say yes to everything. Even if it made me uncomfortable or I didn’t really want to. I said yes to dangerous encounters and meeting strangers. I feared that if I didn’t, I’d end up a hermit, never leaving the house except for work and groceries. I’d spend every evening eating a sleeve of crackers with a can of tuna, washing it down with a bottle of wine. This might seem like a perfectly reasonable meal for a Friday night, but not every day. Saying yes got me out of the house and meeting interesting people. I have some funny stories from online dating. I didn’t end up with some strange vitamin deficiency from limiting my diet to tuna, crackers and fermented grape juice.

The caveat to always saying yes is that it becomes a habit and when you really truly want to say no, you can’t.

I am learning to pay attention to the nos that I truly want to say no to. And so far, I can say that I do not regret a single thing I’ve said no to. This probably has something to do with being focused and intentional with my no. Recently, I was asked if I wanted a snow cone. I said “No, but that doesn’t mean you can’t get one for yourself.” I still ended up getting a snow cone and I ate less than half of it before I threw it away. I don’t like them. I’ve mentioned that I do not like them a number of times, yet that doesn’t ever seem to be reason enough for the person asking. This snow cone situation is a lesson and it has taken me this many years to figure out that the things I end up regretting are the things I wanted to say no to in the first place.

With one exception.

Ten years ago this June, I sat on a bench outside of Bella Napoli’s waiting for a date to show up. I was texting with Chad and I suddenly got the feeling that I did not want be there. I remember asking Chad if I could just get up and leave. Chad said that if I wasn’t feeling up to it, then I could leave. It was the permission I needed, but just as I stood up, the date walked up to me and introduced himself. I stayed when I wanted to leave. There are regrets within the relationship, things I wish I’d made more clear, moments I wish I had stood firmly with my no, but I don’t regret staying. Because right before that date, I had just decided that I could not ever be in another relationship, that I would never feel comfortable taking my clothes off in front of another human.

Never say never.

I don’t know what prompted me to tell you all of this other than that the month of May is turning out to be a month for memory tsunamis. I keep get knocked over unexpectedly with waves. It started the second to last day in April and it feels like I might need a bigger flotation device; something better than my current set of water wings. The other night I dreamed that I was deep under water, trying to swim to the surface, but I was wrapped up in fabric. I struggled to free my arms and legs and I could feel my chest convulse with the need to breathe. Just when I thought I couldn’t hold my breath a second longer, an orca swam up from under me and pressed its nose into the arch of my foot, driving me to the surface. I woke up gasping and sweating, tangled in my bedding.

I’m not going to drown.

This might be the beginning of something.