COUNTDOWN

I woke up this morning and the first though in my head was what if I can’t get my laptop to connect to the projector or the wifi at camp. How am I going to get a slideshow to work? What about music? What if I have a tech failure? I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m a liar. A fake. A fraud. I’m a gosh dang imposter, but I have a tent and a whole carton of eggs and some snacks. So maybe no one will notice the whole fraudulent part. They’ll all be too dazzled by the pretty multicolored eggs from my chickens.

I am about to step into something that is a little (okay… a lot) outside my comfort zone and make myself vulnerable on purpose. Last night, Kelly (the camp director) asked me how I was doing and my response was “antsy”. I am not packed but I have neat stacks of things I plan on taking scattered around the house. While, I’m gathering stuff into piles, I am also thinking about the Grand Canyon and how unprepared I feel for that trip. Instead of focusing on right now, I am thinking about what I need to get done in the two days that I am home before we head out for Arizona. I feel like I’m standing in a doorway with one foot in the room that leads to summer camp and the other foot in the room that goes west. I know I need to step into the summer camp room but I am just sort of stuck with indecision. One minute I feel like I have everything together and the next minute I’m breathing in bag.

I don’t even know where I’m going. I have yet to download a map. This realization has me tilting my head like a curious puppy because it does not sound like me. I am a planner. I mean my weekly meal-plan/grocery lists are legendary. My daily life is organized. Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays are X-tend Barre class and smoothie days. Tuesdays and Thursdays are rowing and avocado toast days. Tuesday evenings are declutter and dust days, while every Wednesday I clean the bathroom. Laundry starts on Friday evening and is finished by Saturday evening. When I attend a science conference, I start reading abstracts and talk lists weeks before I leave and I have made a list of talks that I specifically want to attend. This is why I am really surprised that I have only taken glances at the camp schedule or only have a basic idea of where I am driving to on Wednesday.

The space between my brain and forehead feels tight. I am sure that if someone held a crystal pendulum over my head, my crown chakra would cause it to spin wildly out of control. There is a whole lot happening inside my head and it isn’t really all summer camp. It’s mostly all the thoughts on the rest of my life. In fact, summer camp might be the best place for me to be this week. I’m so mentally distracted that last week I failed to secure anything in my scooter crate and lost a sweater (Michael found it for me) and my work badge (lost forever). Four days in the woods with sketchy cell phone signal and a group of campers to keep track of (I’m a camp counselor too….I’ll be channeling those 4-H days) might just be the thing I need to settle my head space. I just need to throw everything I can think of into my car and drive far far away. The only downside is that I can’t take Josephine with me.

I just want to be there already with my tent set up, and all settled in. Once that happens, everything will fall into place. The doubts will float down the river and I will have some space to breath proper without the need of a bag.