IN THIS COUNTRY, HOUSE OWNS YOU

Backyard

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There are things about home ownership that I wish I had known before buying a house. I’ve been told by every adult “Buy a house! You’re throwing money away by renting!”. When I bought my house, my monthly payment dropped by almost $400 and I was all “RENTING IS A SCAM!” Then the sewer backed up in the basement and I realized my landlord was not going to fix this because I was the landlord. I didn’t know how to snake a drain. Calling a plumber sounded like something only suckers did. So I poured a bunch of chemicals down the drain.

Then I called a plumber.

Michael has done a fairly good job of fixing things around the house. It does come with its fair share of handyman’s Tourettes though and I’ve learned to stay out of his way in these moments. Soon after he moved in, the springy thingy system on the garage door broke on one side. We were all really lucky no one was in the garage when it happened because apparently wire ricochets all around. But now the garage door weighed fifty million pounds. Michael, with some blood, sweat and a sailor’s vocabulary managed to lift the door enough to get a carjack under it. Then he was able to use the carjack to lift the garage door enough to replace the springy thingy. I stayed well out of his way for all of this and this was the beginning of an unsaid agreement between us. I would just let him do what needed to be done. No matter how much he yelled, grunted, sweated or cursed. I would just leave him to it. The only times I did not just hand the whatever needs to be fixed to him was when the tiles started falling off the bathroom walls and when the basement flooded. Both of those times I stepped in because I knew the job surmounted our physical abilities (to not kill each other).

A few weeks ago, the furnace stopped working. It sounded like it was going to kick on, but then would not kick on. Michael did his research and discovered that there was some sensor that he needed to pull out and clean or rub with sandpaper. He did this, put the sensor back in and voila! The furnace kicked into action. He strutted around the house for days because he had fixed the furnace. He told someone he works with about it and the woman responded with “oh yeah. Sensor. You have to clean it.” Then he was shocked that this was something he had never heard of before. Why isn’t this common knowledge?!? I wouldn’t have known to do this. I’m not even sure I know how to remove the furnace panel. Then Friday afternoon, Michael calls me. He tells me to NOT touch the thermostat when I get home. He was in the process of rushing out to the only repair store that carried a certain part for the furnace. This time it was the ignitor that went out. He made it to the store just as they were closing, retrieved the part, came home and then replaced the part. We had heat! He fixed the furnace!

Except the new part was not exactly like the old one.

I woke up around 7 AM Sunday morning and the house was cold. I sighed and then decided not to wake Michael. There really wasn’t anything he could do at that time on a Sunday morning any way. I had prepped dough for another (failed) attempt at making sourdough bread. This required the oven temperature to be set to 500 degrees, which heated up the house well enough. Michael got up a few hours later, came out of his room and then stuck his ear to the floor vent outside his room. I said “Yeah, the furnace isn’t working.” He took his flashlight and headed down to the basement. Then he came back up and called a service repair guy. He looked at me and said “Get your big credit card out because we might be replacing the furnace today.” Then we both sat on the couch with queasy guts waiting on the service repair guy. Our service guy, Jerry, showed up and took a look at the furnace. He pulled out the ignitor that Michael had installed on Friday and it had shorted out because it wasn’t exactly like the old one. Jerry put in a new ignitor (a universal one that is easier to replace), told us when the best deals were for buying an AC and to not let them tell us we needed new duct work when they install the AC because what we have is just fine. It cost us around $300, which is a whole lot cheaper than a new furnace.

Later on Michael and I were making enchiladas, both of us standing near the stove waiting on the oil for the tortillas to heat up. Michael uses tongs to dunk a corn tortilla in the hot oil and then places it my baking dish for me to fill and roll. He started playing around, snapping at me with the metal tongs. I put up karate hands in defense and then told him he better stop because if he hurt me, I’d have to kick him out. Michael gasped and said “But I fixed the furnace!” I immediately responded with “Jerry fixed the furnace!” This caused him to double over with laughter, but when he had regained his breath he said “but I called Jerry.” I had to give him that because I was never more shocked when I heard him call the repair guy in the first place. I thought for sure his next step was going to be taking the furnace completely apart and that this was the winter we would die.

This will not be the winter we die… from furnace failure.