THE COLUMBIAN PEANUT

Hey Dad.

"Hey Dad."

We found a used ticket to Columbia and an old wrinkled map. The three of us: me, Randy and Janell. We were confused by our find. "When did Dad go to Columbia?" "Why would Dad go to Columbia?" None of us ever remember Dad traveling further south than Tijuana Mexico. We decided to go to Columbia and retrace Dad's steps and figure out why he had been in Columbia. The wrinkled map had a couple of towns circled and some lines drawn from here to there, which gave us a start. We flew to Columbia and then rode on a crowded bus through the jungles and up into the mountains. We came to a place where they had carved benches into the side of the mountain and there was a narrow twisty road running down the side. The nearby villagers would all gather on this mountain on Sundays after church to watch car races down the side of the mountain. It was crazy dangerous and slightly illegal, but officials can be bribed. We walked through the crowd, showing people Dad's picture and asking "Have you seen this man? Do you recognize this man?" There were many head shakes and down cast eyes. People were suspicious. Finally we showed Dad's picture to one man and he said "Peanuts! Get your fresh Peanuts!" Dad had gone to Columbia to sell peanuts.

This was the dream I had the other night, a few days after receiving the results of the blood work I had done recently. I have high cholesterol. Yup. You read that right. I have borderline high cholesterol. Ever since I got the news, I've been looking at everything I eat with suspicion. Veggie burger. Zero cholesterol. Slice of cheese that I put on that veggie burger. 30 mg. The USDA recommends consuming no more than 300 mg of cholesterol a day. Last night Micheal looked at every label in the fridge. "This block of cheese? You can eat this whole block of cheese. You could also eat most of this jar of mayo and three packages of this goat cheese." We both figured that I maybe eat 300 mg a week. Maybe. I sent a text to Katrina telling her that she needed to make Randy go to the doctor and then I sent a text to Janell telling her to get her cholesterol checked. I did this for a few reasons. First there have been several studies linking high cholesterol to Aß-amyloids. Aß-amyloids are the peptides that show up in plaque formations on the brain in Alzheimer's patients. Secondly, I am obviously living proof that you can't change genetics. It's quite possible Dad's high cholesterol had little to do with his frequent consumption of chicken fried steak.

When I sent out that first text to Katrina, I felt I was sending out a call to action of sorts. "Here ye! Here ye! All of those children born of the Peanut Man! You must be tested immediately for high cholesterol!" Fine. Then what? Well..for me it means fish oil. My doctor wants me taking two fish oil pills a day. Then, in three months, we test again. If the fish oil doesn't do the trick, he said something about a generic cholesterol fighting drug that isn't as bad as some of the other statin drugs we all hear about.  I'm not too thrilled about that happening. I'm too young to be on statin drugs and it's a pill that I'd have to take every day. I already do that with my birth control pill. One should be enough. Part of me feels a little gypped. We've always been told that everything would be fine as long as you eat a healthy diet and get some exercise.  Not necessarily all lies. I suppose I could have actual high cholesterol as opposed to borderline high cholesterol. It's also one of those pull your head out the sand moments, when you realize that you can't ignore things just because you're doing all of the so called right stuff. Frequent check ups and tests are important for more than just babies. 

I'll swallow the pills because I'm just not changing my diet. I guess I could take out that tablespoon of cheese I eat once a week, but some times that tablespoon of cheese it the only thing that's keeping me from stabbing someone. Further change to my diet would just be sad and ridiculously restrictive. I'll swallow the pills because I may have Dad's high cholesterol but maybe I don't have to have his brain disease. 

BECAUSE YOU ARE OF THAT AGE

Every time I put on one of these gowns I think of Mary Jo from Designing Women. #womenshealth

"Every time I put on one of these gowns I think of Mary Jo from Designing Women. #womenshealth"

I'm not even sure where to begin with this post. I had my yearly women's health exam and before every one gasps out an "are you OK?!?!?!" I will say that I am doing just fine. My doctor is nice and funny and easy to be around which is important when you're trusting someone to touch you uncomfortably. She is also my age. Now usually, I would be pleased about having a doctor who knows about this age of a body. She gets it. She understands what's happening to a female body as she reaches the just about forty age of her life. Except this time around she kept saying things like "we should do some blood work. Cholesterol, sugar, thyroid. Because you are of that age." When I grumbled something about my weight, she just waived it off and said "that's just part of being this age." She didn't seem all that concerned about the four pounds I'd gained since the last visit because I was still exercising  and getting on my mat regularly. Then, even though I am not required to get a mammogram until I'm forty, but because I had "issues" two years ago, she sent me down for a mammogram. Because I am of that age.

Before I go into my rant about "being that age", I have to go on a tangent about mammograms. It's been two years since my last mammogram and the place I go to now has the regular 2D one and a 3D one. The 3D mammogram costs $30 out of pocket because most insurance doesn't cover it. This makes me angry for a number of reasons. First of all the 3D option has shown to be more accurate in detecting cancerous areas than 2D. Though it still requires smashing your boob, it does not require that your boob is smashed as flat as a pancake. The 3D option has reduced the number of call backs and biopsies due to an unsure result of the 2D mammogram. You know that time I had to go in and have two cysts removed because they didn't know if they were cysts or cancer? It's quite possible that would have never happened with if I'd had the 3D mammogram. If I were an insurance company, I'd much rather pay the extra $30 a year for this test than pay for the huge expense of breast cancer treatment, let alone the cost of an unnecessary procedure from an unclear test. But again, that's a completely other tangent and not where I had intended this entry to go.

Any way...my doctor..."being that age"....Every time she said it, I could hear it in her voice that she was saying we were old. At one point I wanted to shake her and tell her to just stop. "We are still young! We are so freaking young! Thirty nine is not old. Forty is not old. We are not old!" I wanted to shout all of this out to her. Yes, it's true that I've put on a few pounds that my usual daily walking and yoga routine is doing nothing to combat. Yes, I recently threw my back out while painting the chicken coop. Every day I notice a new section of my hair going white. I don't mind that really. What I do mind is this idea that cholesterol checks and mammograms are things that we must do because we have gotten older. I do mind the implication that my age has everything to do with my inability to lose a few pounds. I also mind the idea that going to the doctor for a check up is something you do because you are getting older. We take babies to the doctor all the time for check ups. Those old geezer babies with their constant need for doctor visits!  But it's true. I am physically of a certain age. This means I just need to be more mindful to eat more greens and move my body more so that my joints don't settle into one spot. It means that I need to be aware of my cholesterol levels and my glucose levels because, as my doctor said, I cannot change my genetics. Heart disease and diabetes are a thing in my family. She also said that she was sure my HDL levels will be proof of my healthiness. 

Mentally I'm twelve because I still think farts are funny.