A NOTE ON STUBBORNNESS

I don’t know what my issue is about having to have a tow service involved but I get mad when I have to do it. And if it involves the scooter? Forget it. There is no reason why I should ever have to have my scooter towed home. I never let my gas gauge fall into dangerous territory. Okay, sure, I can be lackadaisical about my tires but I do make sure they’re not flat before I zip of down the road. The engine is not complicated enough for me to not be able to figure it out. On Monday, Michael suggested we ride the scooters to lunch following up with a trip to an outside mall. I agreed and thought it would be a great ride, but it turned out to be hot with no shade anywhere. The roads and parking lots where just one giant stove top with burners set to high. When we got ready to head home, my scooter started but then immediately died. We stood in the heat staring at the scooter and Michael asked me what I wanted to do. Meaning which of the two of us is calling in road side service?

I was hot and tired and I didn’t want to make a decision. I’d spent the last two days having terrible dress shopping experiences and I was cranky. But I called road side service while Michael took the Cabbage to their mom’s with the promise to come back with his truck. My road side request was picked up by one place with an hour to two hour wait time. Then they cancelled and I had be re-assigned. Then new place had me at a two to three hour wait time. So I sat in the shade of the building and watched YouTube videos. By the time Michael showed up, I was attempting to take the front engine panel off my scooter. The screw was in too tight for me to turn it and I put Michael to work. I pointed and instructed and eventually we pulled out the spark plug, which is what I was looking for. I cleaned it the best I could with an old mask I found in my scooter seat. We put it all back together and Michael said “I doubt this is going to fix it.” But guess what? The scooter started. I canceled my road side service request and rode Valerie home.

I’ll tell you one really good way to throw a log on my anger furnace is to doubt my ability to fix a mechanical issue. Not too long ago, I replaced an objective turret on one of our microscopes instead of waiting on the microscope rep to find time to come and take care of it. I know many of you have no idea what any of that means other than I took apart something complicated and put it back together in working order. That’s the main take-away. When the microscope rep called me to see if he could talk me through the install, I told him I had already taken care of it. He responded with “Oh! Look at you, you go getter!” and if he’d been standing in front my face, I would have punched him in the throat (not really). This was also in the same week I had someone from tech support explain tape to me and where to buy it.

I am a spoiled princess because for the first thirty something odd years of my life, not a soul questioned my abilities as they have been questioned now. No one protested or argued with me when I said “Leave it. I can do this.” Chris, seeing a look on my face, would step back and out of the way unless further instructed. No one looked at me and saw a delicate helpless flower. Because of that, I was not trained to deal with misogynistic ideas of the capabilities of a woman. So hearing others describe me as “Independent” or “a loose cannon” or “a go getter” while using slightly negative tones sends me into a rage. I can’t shake the idea that I am now seen as incapable or in desperate need of help because Chris is no longer here. Is this what happens when a woman loses a husband? Is just the act of having a husband create a protective shroud a woman? Surely not. Stubborn, obstinate, independent. These are words said by someone insecure in their own abilities or fear invalidity. I’m not stubborn. I’m a fighter who doesn’t give up easily and yeah, I’m independent because I am capable.

I have ordered a new spark plug and when it arrives, I will install it. Not because I am stubborn or a real go getter, but because I am capable and I know how to do it.