OCTOBER CAMP

The fingernail on my left index finger is painted with blue nail polish. All the other nails are bare. One night around the campfire, maybe the first night(?), Rosie came around asking people if they can paint a nail and that’s the finger I held out for her to paint. The next morning I was looking into the mirror to apply moisturizer to my face and was visibly startled by the sight of that blue nail because I had forgotten all about it. That’s really all I need to say about camp.

Except, that’s far from the truth.

There are lots of things I could say about camp. I could give you a long list of things I did not do for four days and an even shorter list of the things I did do for four days. The thing I did the most over those four days was laugh and laugh and laugh. My body still aches from all the laughing. The most important thing was that Michael and I walked away from camp with new framily members. One of our camp staff members, Shiny, had one word for camp and it was community. Webster’s Dictionary defines the word ‘community’ as a “unified body of individuals. Such as:” and then goes on to list various types of communities. The list contains other words like ‘fellowship’ and ‘likeness’, yet none of them really fully encompass the feelings of being part of a community. Being part of a community is so much more than being “unified” or sharing common interests. Community comes from the way we care for one another, encourage and support one another.

This is the essence of Camp Wildling.

I had two words for camp: confidence and gratitude. I one hundred percent feel like a total fraud when it comes to photography. It doesn’t matter the amount of material I have read on the subject or the practice and practice of photo taking that I partake in daily. For me to be able to share my knowledge to others and to see them engaged and really truly learning from me, stops me in my tracks.

I mindfully create energy to pursue my own advocacy goals of abolition. Sometimes it looks like a calming practice. And sometimes it looks like play. - Zuri Adele

I did not once sit down with my Lightmaker’s Manifesto and journal to start brainstorming what I can do to be an activist. When I returned home on Sunday, that quote above was posted for our prompt this week and my memories of camp were still fresh in my head. Camp provided me the space to grow energy, to build up and charge my energy supply. At times, camp was calming, but honestly…it was a whole lot of play.

Somewhere in the middle of all that play, I discovered that I do have gifts worth sharing.

RESPONSIBLE ADULT

For months now, I’ve been telling Michael that I think I need new brakes on my car. Every time I say it, he tells me that I don’t need new brakes. I’m surprised he doesn’t pat me on the head when he says this because his tone implies that there’s no way that I, a female, would know anything about brakes. Last week I messaged my friend Lyn to see if he could look at my brakes. I met Lyn at the June session of Camp Wildling. He taught the charcoal drawing classes, but he also has his own mobile auto repair business. If you live in the Kansas City area, do not hesitate to contact Lyn with car stuff. He’s honest and does good work. Lyn told me that my front brakes were fine, but I really needed to replace the back brakes. He came over Saturday morning to replace those back brakes and it turns out that I didn’t even really have any back brakes. The old ones, at least one of them, had seized open and was not doing anything.

I can just see my dad closing his eyes and bowing his head while shaking it side to side in disappointment.

I now have new back brakes and four new tires. My car no longer makes that occasional clunkadunk sound it’s been making lately and when I hit a bump in the road while braking, my car no longer makes that grrrrr sound it’s been making for a while. I feel really responsible and grown up because I feel like I nailed adulting on Saturday. Here are all the things I did before noon on Saturday: made sure Michael and The Cabbage got up in time for the Cabbage’s 8 AM soccer game, added words to my journal while eating a breakfast sandwich, grocery shopped, cleaned out chicken coop/pen and put down fresh straw, cleaned the bathroom, folded and put away two loads of laundry, stripped the sheets from my bed, put clean sheets on my bed, took a shower, talked with Lyn about car stuff, sat on the couch and read a chapter of The Lightmaker’s Manifesto (go pre-order your copy right now!).

I am about half way through The Lightmaker’s Manifesto and I’m already feeling the wheels turning in my brain. Right from page one, I felt like Karen was speaking directly to me. I can’t help but feel like I am currently in a one on one life coaching experience and I am rewiring my brain to see activism in a different way. I spent some time journaling on Sunday, making a short list of goals for the month of October and the whole time, I was thinking about all the ways I can be an activist without marching in protests. The more I read, the more I realize that I can be doing a lot more and without much effort. Then Karen shared this quote with the Lightmaker’s team for our prompt this week.

Integrity is choosing to practice your values, rather than simply professing them. - Brene Brown

Am I practicing my values? Not only that, but am I practicing my values in a noticeable way? I don’t think I am. I think I have picked up a bad habit of talking about these things, about being a kind, patient, good person, without ever taking any action to do so. Now, I realize that I am the most judgemental towards my own self. Of course I am kind and I am mostly patient with others, but are these actions big enough to inspire those around me?

Case in point: Saturday afternoon, Michael and I were leaving IKEA. We had to stop at the door because the woman in front of us paused in the doorway to apply hand sanitizer and there was no way around her. She was an older woman, wearing a mask, doing all the right things, but Michael was so put out by the way she had inconvenience him. I tried to be soothing. I said “at least she’s pausing to do something to help end the spread of viruses.” but this didn’t do much to calm Michael and in the end, I let it go and let him rail on with his rant. I don’t think people realize how wearing a mask effects their peripheral vision. It messes you up and is even worse if you wear glasses. I am sure that this woman didn’t even realize that there were people behind her. If I had been truly practicing my values, I would have spoken up and said “let’s try to have patience for others. This woman clearly doesn’t realize that there are people behind her waiting to get out, but let’s cut her some slack because she’s wearing a mask and using hand sanitizer.” This was a missed opportunity to advocate for the elderly and to advocate for patience. It is time for me to hold myself accountable and be more responsible in practicing my values.

Because I am a responsible adult.

WHISPER

Photo from Karen Walrond

I’m listening. I went a little deaf for a while. Honestly I have been overwhelmed and closing off my ears and a tiny bit of my brain was required for self preservation. But I’m listening now. I am listening to hear that whisper of a thought that sparks a more organized activism. Up until now I’ve just been throwing dollars randomly at causes and charities. It was the only thing I could think of to do because I don’t feel I have much else to offer. I am not a bake sale kind of person. I like the idea of attending protests in theory, but crowds freak me out and I have doubts that standing in a crowd with a sign really does anything. My activism is more quiet and subtle. I vote. I stay informed on what bills are being presented and how my senators and representatives are voting. I contact those senators and representatives and that’s pretty much it.

Karen’s prompt for the Lightmaker’s Team this week comes from Brad Montague, the creative mind behind Kid President. Here is what Karen had to say about one of the lessons she has learned from Brad.

I'd argue that in fact, some of the most sustainable movements In the world happen because there's this nagging thing that won't let go of you, a notion that keeps returning, causing you to furrow your brow and mutter, "that's not right. That *can't* be right."

This is why I am still writing the same email every week to the MO Governor and Mo Attorney General about Kevin Strickland and Lamar Johnson. There is a deep nagging feeling inside me that screams that the continued incarceration of these two innocent men CAN NOT be right. There is also the knowledge that these two men are not alone. There are a countless number of predominantly black men who are incarcerated for crimes they did not commit. So I keep the sticky note with the names of Kevin Strickland and Lamar Johnson on my desktop to remind me to keep writing and calling and supporting candidates who want to meaningfully reform this fucked up criminal justice system.

Right now, I’m listening for something louder than a whisper to tell me what to do next. Karen’s book is coming out in just a few short weeks. Pre order your copy of The Light Maker’s Manifesto today!

GO TEAM

Sometime this summer, a memory popped up in Facebook. It was a picture of me excitedly holding my ticket for BlogHer, an annual conference for women who blog. It turned out that this is the ten year anniversary of that first conference I attended, as well as my first visit to New York City. I was buzzing with excitement to see Talaura and have her show me around this city that I had only ever experienced through a Hollywood lens. I was ecstatic to be going to a conference that would put me in the same room as so many amazing women. My favorite bloggers were all going to be there and I was going to meet them! I was going to be in the same room with these women who inspired me to be creative with their own words, who taught me the power of telling stories through pictures.

One of those women is Karen Walrond of Chookooloonk. Karen’s blog has always been a place for inspiration. She was my first teacher of photography and to this day I still use “look for the light” as my mantra while imaging. Her words combined with her images tell stories of kindness, joy, truth, and beauty. Reading this blog has made me want to be a better version of myself and I am so glad that she still keeps up with it, while so many of us have fallen off the blogging wheel. When Karen put out a call for people to help promote her new book, The Lightmaker’s Manifesto: How to Work for Change Without Losing Your Joy, I raised my hand high up in the air and whispered “pick me! pick me!”. Then I got an email saying that I was now part of The Lightmaker Launch Team and a link to the Facebook group page. Karen wanted everyone on the team to take a moment to post a brief “about you” along with a photo and I jerked my hand out of the air and shrunk in my seat whispering “I don’t really know the answer, don’t pick me.”

One question Karen asked of all of us Lightmakers was “how would we change the world?” and my brain turned into a desert of nothingness. I mean, I think I had causes that I used to be passionate about. I really feel like I used to do stuff. There are past blog entries in this space about the AIDS Walk and buying school supplies for underprivileged children. I have written here about science and making fully informed decisions as opposed to relying on some ridiculous meme as a news source. All of that feels like a lifetime ago. I have lost my zest for activism or for at least talking about it. I still send a weekly email to Gov. Parson’s and Eric Schmitt demanding they free Kevin Strickland and Lamar Johnson. I have an automatic monthly donation set up for Planned Parenthood. I quietly give money when a disaster hits and while I was still doing my Zoom classes, all proceeds went to a charity of some sorts. But really, I feel useless, deflated and tired every time I read the news and see what a dumpster fire just this country alone has become, let alone the rest of the world. The desire to help and fix it all is overwhelming and paralyzing.

I’ve lost my joy.

So, I think that maybe Karen’s new book is coming to me exactly at the moment when I need it the most. I look forward to reading this book and gaining some of my joy back. If you’re interested in reading Karen’s book, there are a number of ways to pre-order it here: http://www.chookooloonks.com/books . I haven’t even read it yet, but I’m sure it’s going to be one of those books that I keep within reach for those moments when I feel like throwing in the towel.