EVERYTHING

Last week, I planned to take Friday afternoon off so that I could go see a movie in a theater by myself. This might sound odd to some people, but for me it was the most decadent thing I have done in a really long time. Both Todd and Talaura had sent me messages telling me that I had to see Everything Everywhere, All At Once and I knew that the only way I was going to get to see this movie in the theater was to just go. I didn’t want to waste time trying to convince Michael to go the theater or hem and haw over what evening to book tickets. I just wanted a no-hassle go to the movies experience. The only way I could make all of this happen was to take some vacation time and the guilt of taking time off for myself was dispelled with multiple power outages at work that morning, making my job dang near impossible.

So I left work with a clear conscious and took myself to lunch at Mattie’s where I ate vegan mac-n-cheese covered with beans and BBQ tofu. Then I made my way to this weird little art theater that specializes in independent and obscure films. It was the closest theater with an afternoon matinee showing of the movie. I bought a Coke and a popcorn and made my way into a theater that reminded me very much of the old Collinsville theater. I chose a seat and then sat back to enjoy this movie along with the four other audience members. When it was all over, I walked out to my car, shaking with feelings and had to sit there for about ten minutes before I could even consider starting the car.

I have a list of films that have moved me in profound ways and changed the way I see my current world. This is what art does. It makes you think differently, see differently, feel differently. These are the films that inspire great discussions and even greater changes in behavior and how one chooses to live each day. Everything Everywhere is on that list. This movie made me feel all of the feelings all at once. I was furious and disappointed because Chris was not with me in the theater or afterward to talk about all of the things in the movie. My sides hurt from laughing through the absolutely ridiculousness of some of the scenes. I was filled up with joy from the overall message of the film. If someone where to ask me what this movie is about, I would have to just say “it is about everything, everywhere….all at once.”

There is something said multiple times in this movie and that is “nothing matters.” This phrase is a glass half full, half empty phrase in disguise. Several years ago, I found myself in a torrential downpour outside of Costco. I was hastily throwing our bulk items into the backseat of the car when I suddenly just yelled out “IT DOESN’T FUCKING MATTER.” I didn’t say it out of anger. I yelled it because sometimes it just feels good to yell out. I wasn’t mad or frustrated even though I was soaked through with rain. That’s the why right there. I was already soaked. There was nothing I could do to change this. Moving faster was not going to damn up the river of water I was standing in or stop the weather. When I yelled out that it didn’t matter, I committed myself to just being completely in the current moment, wet clothes, soggy shoes and all. Nothing matters.

"When I Choose To See The Good Side Of Things, I'm Not Being Naive. It Is Strategic And Necessary. It's How I Learned To Survive Through Everything." — Waymond.

I am not naive. I have made the choices I have made in how I see and experience this life as a survival tactic for the moments that threaten to break me into a million tiny pieces. Seeing the good side of things is why my life looks the way it does in this space and time. It is what shaped the choices I made after Chris died. Not because he would have wanted that, but because this is who I am.

This is who I have always been.