THE THINGS I SHOULD DO

I picked Nurse Jenn up on Monday morning and we headed to a yoga class that ended up being canceled. Turns out most of Waldo had power outages. So we switched gears and I drove us over to a local coffee shop for coffee and pastries and chats. We sat outside at a table tucked out of the way. It was perfect even though at one point Jenn gave me her sweatshirt to wear because I was cold. It was very romantic. We sat there and chatted about all the things that were happening or about to happen. I told her about yoga therapy school and she told me about how her youngest is getting ready to move out of the house. We talked about nothing important and then somehow ended up talking about something important: Living Wills.

Y’all…I don’t have a Living Will or a Healthcare Directive.

Yeah, I know. This sounds like something I would have taken care of by now, like something I should have taken care of immediately after J’s death. But seriously, how many people do you know had that kind of shit together in their (very) late twenties? I mean, that feels forgivable, but then even after Chris, I didn’t ever fill anything formal out. I have verbally said what I want, but verbal words are not legally binding. Especially if no one ever actually really listens to you. Jenn pointed out that a Healthcare Directive should be pretty detailed. It’s easy to say I don’t want to be ventilated, but in reality I should say I don’t want to be ventilated unless it’s there to make it easier for me to heal. All treatments should be centered around what sort of quality of life I would expect to have after treatment. We talked about limitations for treatments, like ventilation or life support for a certain number of days. We talked about about what ‘quality of life’ looks like for us both.

It’s a lot to consider.

Then the very next day, I opened up Facebook and Amani had posted a Death Doula PSA about living wills and advanced directives. I thought “How did she hear us all the way over there in Seattle?!?!” but she also shared that EForms was a very good place for creating these documents. So now I have absolutely no reason for not filling out all of this and storing it someplace where others can find it. But wait! There’s more. Amani recommends that you revisit these forms every year to keep them up-to-date. This is not a one and done adult task. This is an adult maintenance task.

Now, I hear some of you sighing and thinking “oh how depressing.” but it doesn’t have to be. If you are like me and want all the control, this is your opportunity to micromanage and control your very life. I find this idea very liberating and comforting. I get to define my idea of ‘quality of life’ and since I’ve been thinking about that, I’ve come to realize that I have high standards. I don’t want to leave a situation where I am left with nothing more than the ability to sit on a couch, watching TV all day. I don’t want to need a round the clock caregiver. If I need to be ventilated for treatments that are meant to save my quality of life, that’s fine, but after ten days, turn that shit off. Pull the plugs! I have a pretty high pain tolerance. So if I say that I’m in pain and want it all to end, then I’m serious.

Give me all the pills.

Micheal likes to joke about how I’m going to out live everyone. That’s possible except death is unpredictable, but if that’s true there’s not going to be anyone around to remember that I wrote this blog post, let alone verbally declared an end of life directive. This is all paperwork I need to have available for my future doctors so some Doogie Howser doesn’t try to play God with my tired, dying old lady body. Since it is officially summer, most of my chore list has been handed off to Michael and The Cabbage (band name). I’ve purchased a yoga class pass and I’ve made plans to meet a yoga friend for breakfast one morning. I might be interviewing for yoga teaching job for a studio in Lees Summit. Other than yoga, vacation, and another trip out to MBL, I don’t really have all that much on my to-do list.

Creating a Living Will sounds like a great summer project!