POSER

Saturday, we had some free time before meeting our friend Shruti for lunch. So Michael suggested we pop into Brookside Gallery and Framing and talk to them about frames for some things that we purchased in New Orleans. We spoke with the owner, Sandra, about our needs and while she was working up a cost analysis for us, Michael was browsing around the shop. He noticed some postcard sized photography prints on rack and said “Hey, this is what you should do with some your pictures Cindy.” He looked at Sandra and said “She’s an amazing photographer.” I did not have a response to this, but Sandra enthusiastically told me she’d give me an artist discount on picture frames. Really, Sandra is great. She told it us it would be too expensive to do custom frames for the five 5x7 prints we bought in New Orleans and recommended we go to a craft place like Michael’s. Then she told me to bring in my prints and she would put them up for sale in her shop. I told Sandra that there was an odd shaped piece we’d purchased in New Orleans that I would definitely be bringing her for framing. I thanked her and then we left the shop.

And I threw up.

No…but I was dazed as we walked back to the scooters. I couldn’t wrap my brain around what had just happened. Then we met Shruti and after lunch the three of us went to the Brookside Art Fair. After passing by the third booth of photography, I said out loud “my work is total shit compared to this stuff.” Both Michael and Shruti disagreed, but I couldn’t help but think they were only protesting my statement to make me feel better. Michael and I left the art fair with a lovely whimsical painting of an octopus and I left with a crushed soul and “what am I even doing with my life” mental state. I’m a hack, a pretend hobbyist who got carried away and had business cards made up declaring myself to be a photographer. These people at the art fair, those are real artists. They are willing to spend the money required to display their photos to the public so that the people say “Ooooh” and “Ahhh”. Standing next to them, I am just a cheap, trailer trash substitute.

Then we got home and I had a comment on an Instagram post from Elizabeth saying that she’d love this picture for her wall. I made a mockup of a postcard using one of my Shuttlecock photos and when I showed it to Michael he yelled “WHY ISN’T THE NELSON SELLING THIS POSTCARD!” Then someone else left a comment on a photo on Facebook telling me that I take amazing photos and I don’t know who to believe. All of my followers are friends and family, people I’ve known for most of my life who were already fans. But what if they’re only saying all this to be polite? What if I am really like that person who goes to audition for American Idol who thinks they are an amazing singer, but really can’t carry a tune to save their lives, but you know..in photography form? What if I take my prints in for Sandra to sell and she takes one look at them and tells me the truth of what I have known all along, that I lack talent and my photos are crap?

Vulnerability. It is a pain in the ass.

I ordered a print for Elizabeth today. I will be submitting an order for postcards this week, as well as placing an order for special photography matting. I will have more prints made so that I don’t have to just use the ones from the art showing that never happened. Maybe I’m not a professional or one for big displays, but that doesn’t mean I lack talent. At least, that’s my mantra today.