FRIED PIES AND HARD THINGS

Back when we had a lull in COVID, I carved out some time in my calendar for a weekend visit to OKC. Then COVID cases and hospitalizations went up, but I still went any way. This meant that I saw fewer faces than I was planning on seeing, but I saw faces that I needed to see, that was important to see. Margaret and Philip are well and enjoying retirement. Robin and Summer have survived a year of homeschooling Summer’s kids. Their business is doing well and they seem happy. Misti is settling into a new job and it was so good to see her face and laugh with this person. COVID kept me from a few faces, but there are plans to remedy that in the future.

I spent a large chunk of my Saturday afternoon with Chris’s family, catching up on life outside of Facebook. I was happy to discover that that their lives outside of Facebook are good lives. Everyone is healthy and happy. The nephew is a responsible adult doing a pretty dang good job of adulting. The niece is on a very clear path to a career and also succeeding at adulting. The whole family scuba dives together with exception of Chris’s mom. She is not into scuba diving, but she does have a healthy social life and, I was surprised to find out out, a boyfriend. I have not had much contact with Chris’s family since his passing. My feelings are complicated. At first, my silence and distance was self preservation. I know that Chris’s illness was beyond my control or fixing, but knowing this does not keep me from feeling responsible. I carry a bit of shame for that responsibility and even more so for my life after Chris. Like I moved ahead too quickly and I left Chris behind. Only I know that I might have moved ahead too quickly, but I’ve dragged Chris along for the ride. He’s with me all the time.

I ended up going to lunch with the nephew and Chris’s mom. Later, we stopped by an Asian Food Market to buy stuff for her to make som tom. It was my request. I love this salad that is eaten with sticky rice and it is never on any of the menus of the Thai restaurants. Som tom is the dish that Chris learned to make while I learned how to make fried rice. Chris’s mom wandered around the market, pointing out the various sauces and wraps that she uses while I took pictures of each item for future reference. I bought a giant bag of rambutans which are similar to lychees and I split the bag with the nephew. Then we parted ways. The next morning, I stopped by Chris’s mom’s house while realizing it has been at least ten years since I was last there. The neighborhood still looks the same. She’s added a carport to her driveway. Her furniture looks different. Most things are the same though. She gave me a coat that I had left behind and asked if I wanted Chris’s old scooter helmet. I could not take the helmet. There was a part of me that wanted it, but I just couldn’t. Then she packed me a bag of sticky rice and som tom, as well as a container of fried rice and egg rolls. I said my goodbyes and when we hugged, the two of us started crying. I climbed into my car with the both of us wiping tears from our faces as we waved at each other.

I took my time driving home, stopping at the Fried Pies place off the highway between Perry and Blackwell, taking some pictures and buying myself an apple pie. Then I stopped at the Bazaar Cattle Crossing in the Flint Hills to take more pictures. The wind was incredible and I wasn’t out of the car for long. Instead, I sat in my car eating sticky rice and som tom, thinking about my visit. My lips started to burn from the spicy salad, but I kept on eating it. I stared out at the vastness of prairie in front of me, thinking about the things that seperate people. The same void and space between me and Chris’s mom is the same thing that tethers us together. A constant tug of war. Magnetic forces. This visit was good, but hard.

When I pulled into my driveway hours later, my lips still tingled from the spice of the som tom.