MEMORIALS

J’s combat boots are currently sitting on the top shelf of my closet. In about two weeks, I will be taking those boots out of the closet and packing them into the camper. I have grand visions of me in my pink tool skirt, wearing those boots and taking pictures in stunning places like the Grand Canyon at sunset or Bryce Canyon at sunrise. My vision of what I want from the photos is probably better than what I will actually be able to photograph, but my goals are set and I’m going to do my best to honor those damn boots.

For some of us, every day is Memorial Day.

I have a love hate relationship with this photo project idea of mine. I love the idea of it as a way to honor J, but I hate that there is a need to honor J. I have our National Parks Pass ready to go into the truck but I am already cringing at whatever response will come from flashing it to the park rangers as we enter the parks. Inevitably someone is going to say “thank you for your sacrifice” and my gut reaction to that is always a big “Fuck you.” Then a whole rant of ‘protecting your freedoms to sit on your fat ass drinking your supersized Coke and eating your supersized McDonald’s meal and you still have to take your shoes off at airport security’ flows through my brain. I clinch my teeth to keep the words from escaping my brain and I am amazed with how much anger I still have over this loss. I know you mean well when you thank my family for our sacrifice. Truly, I do. I’m just saying that those words do not make any of this easier.

This photo project also makes me nervous. It is going to require me to be on point with my photography skills, to be patient and take my time setting up equipment. I cannot rush this, which is something I tend to do when in travel mode. This means remembering to breathe while taking pictures. Sometimes I hold my breath while capturing an image. Basically I am going to just need to get out of my own head because at the end of the day it is the intent of why I am doing this project that really matters. I’ve gotten good at taking lost loved ones on road trips. I’ve done this before and maybe that is where some of the nervousness comes from because this is the first time I’m doing something like this for J. What if it doesn’t turn out as I imagined it would? Again, something else I’ve done before. Play the What If game. I’ve played it enough times to know that the ‘what if?’ can not be predicted. Every action (or inaction) has consequences and consequences are neutral.

But the truth is, I’d rather be photographing J in his own boots.