MY EMBARRASSING CONFESSION
Cindy Maddera
Back during my experiment in online dating, I was virtually approached by a disturbing number of inappropriately young men. Twenty three was the number all of them chose to represent their age, but I am 99% sure all of them were lying. I will admit that there was a part of me that was curious about being with a younger man, but a reasonable amount of younger. Not young enough to be my kid young. The idea of a twenty three year old boy seeing and touching this naked body, horrifies me. I need a man who’s lived a little, had some experiences, seen some things. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with this body. It is a perfectly fine neoclassical body, one that has not ever birthed a child. So, I got that going for my vagina. It’s just that boys that age when I was that age were really good at making fun of a girl’s body. I expect a certain amount of cruelty from boys between the ages of fifteen and twenty six. I also lack the energy or desire to be some boy’s sexual educator.
Then Harry Styles entered my life.
He first came to my attention when he hosted SNL last year. Before his appearance on SNL, all I knew of him came from snippets of gossip and tabloids, things that never really got my attention. Then he shows up on SNL and I couldn’t help myself. I was completely charmed. I was so charmed that I started listening to his music. His ‘Fine Line’ album has been playing on loop for days now. I’ve added his ‘Adore You’ song to my love song playlist. I’ve added him to my list of hair I want to run my fingers through. He comes across as goofy and silly, but has the capacity for seriousness. I believe he might be smarter then some might give him credit for. He also has a look about him that says that he does not need a sexual educator. That in fact, he could probably teach me a thing or two. I would totally let him touch this neoclassical body.
And this not only surprises me, but it embarrasses me.
I don’t know how this punk alternative radio girl turned into a pop radio cougar. In the last two years, I have added artists such as Kesha, Beyonce, Taylor Swift, Lizzo and now Harry Styles to my daily musical listening. My reasoning is that the music makes me move my butt. I’ve never been the one to stand still on the sidelines of a concert. When Michael took me to see the New Pornographers, I was the only one in the middle of the crowd moving my body to the beat. I can’t help myself. Music moves me physically and emotionally.
I just wanna dance like a mutherfucker, yeah! - Kesha, Boogie Feet
In the case of the above musicians, the music is just light and fun (mostly). It allows me to be silly and ridiculous when life is so serious and heavy. There is no age you can reach where suddenly you cannot be silly and ridiculous. This is not a method for clinging to a younger version of yourself. It is a preservation of the current version of yourself.
So yeah, I’m gonna just let Harry walk through fire for me and adore me, because why wouldn’t you?!?