THE OLD GRAY MARE

I've always thought that age is relative. Someone said in conversation the other day that they were forty two but felt like they were still in their twenties. More often than not, I hear people say they don't know what their age is supposed to feel like. Some days I wake up and feel like I'm 108. I'll look in the mirror and see more gray hair and try to imagine how long it's going to take to turn all white. The other day I had on my short shorts, a light summer blouse and flip flops, and I was riding down the street on the scooter, and I felt like I was 16. I was 16 and on an island vacation with the sun soaking into my sun screened arms and the wind in my face. But then, I suppose, we reach an age where we really know how old we are. This is the age my dad has reached. My dad went in Thursday for what was supposed to have been a routine check up but transitioned into him being lost in a train station. At least that's what happened in his head. It was a bad scene and a wake up call for me and my siblings. We'd all noticed little things in the past few months. He'd gotten lost on drives to places that he knew like the back of his hand. He'd always tend to tell you the same story a few times during one visit, but we were beginning to noticed that it was the same story every five minutes. He's taking a lot of different kinds of medications and none of us, including mom, knows what these drugs are for or why. I think this is the biggest problem. We all agree that his medications are screwing with him and there are plans in place to get this all straightened out.

My siblings are the ones taking the brunt of all of this. I've been kept posted through text messages and phone calls, but I am not there. I've been trying to justify my guilt over this. I wouldn't be able to do anything better than what they are doing. In fact, I'd probably be worse. I am frozen with indecision of how to care for an older parent. If I were there and dad begged me for his car keys, I'd hand them over just because I wouldn't have the guts to tell him no. I'm the same way with children. I'm a push over. I did the same things with Chris, gave him everything he asked for. Except when he wanted to go to the ATM; we didn't do that because by that time he couldn't really stand up. Dad doesn't need a push over. He needs someone that can be firm yet sympathetic and from what I'm hearing, Randy and Janell are playing their good cop/bad cop roles well. I am grateful that they are the older and wiser ones in this situation.

Dad will be fine eventually. I feel pretty sure about that, but right now things are difficult. So I'm hoping that you'll help me send a little love and strength in that direction this week. They need it.