YOU GAVE ME SPACE. SO I FILLED IT UP WITH CHAIRS YOU CAN'T SIT ON

It's generally frowned upon when asked "how are you doing?" to reply "I feel like a scooped out empty shell of a human being". So instead, I smile and say "I'm fine". I am for the most part, fine. It's only a little white lie. The empty hollowness is not a new feeling; it's just not something I write about. Usually I can distract myself enough to ignore the roaring echo and ache. It feels as though I have been scrapped out with an ice cream scoop that has sharp edges. Some days are worse than others. Some weeks are worse than others. Some days the feeling is more of a numb nothingness and I mean nothing. No happiness, no sadness, no pain. Nothing. I actually don't mind those days. It's easier to pretend on those days. But then come the days when I feel so empty and hollow that the edges of everything physically hurt. Sometimes that feeling lasts for more than a few days. When that feeling sticks around for more than I few days, I start to go to war with myself. There's a voice inside me that's mean and yells to stop feeling sorry for myself followed by a petulance voice that says "why shouldn't you feel sorry for yourself?". But mostly there's panic and fear at being trapped inside this empty space. This is usually when I start try to fill that space with something else. Maybe if I change my diet up or start running. Maybe if I buy that new pretty blouse or shoes that I'll never wear. Maybe if...

It dawned on me late last week that maybe that space doesn't need to be filled. What would happen if I stopped panicking about the emptiness and just let it be there? It's like having a spare room that is just a spare room, not filled with boxes of junk or holiday decorations. We always talk about cleaning out the crap in our homes and how we'd kill for a room that was just a room and not a glorified closet. There's always that need to put something in the space even if it just happens to be chairs you can't sit on. So, that's what I'm doing. I'm letting that empty space just be empty space and I'm working really hard at being OK with that.