NOT THE SEXY ONE FROM BATMAN

I have poison ivy. Not Poison Ivy, though this makes my brain wander off. Have you noticed that Poison Ivy is basically an eco terrorist? Also, Catwoman does all her crimes in order to help animals. So the writers of Batman have created sexy "villains" that really just want to make the world a better place. Much like Batman, they too want justice. Justice for the environment. Justice for animals. Hmmm...my Batman crush may be waning just like my Sting crush did when he came out with that lute album (THE LUTE? WTF Sting?). Any way it doesn't matter, except it slightly distracts me from my itchy arms. A couple of Saturdays ago I decided to tackle one side of the house I had been avoiding with the mower. Partly because I didn't think I could get the mower over there, partly because I was just scared of that side of the house. But I sucked it up because I knew that I'd have full grown trees growing out of the side of my house before too long. I pulled up my sleeves and got to work. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be except there sure was a lot of this viney stuff around. I yanked and pulled and raked and packed everything down into a brown lawn bag. It looked real nice when I finished and I didn't think any more about it. Cut to the following Wednesday. While driving my dad to dinner, I noticed my elbow started itching and there were these weird bumps. At first I thought I'd been bitten by something while I was on the scooter or while closing the garage door. I spent plenty of time looking up things like "skin rash" and "bug bites" and had just about decided that I had scabies until Mary confirmed poison ivy. (Do not google any of these things. You will never sleep again. Ever.) You see, I was under the impression that rashes appeared minutes after your skin has been exposed to the allergen. Not DAYS!

Also, I've never had it before. I am 36 years old and I've never had poison ivy. This may sound like I'm someone who never interacts with nature. This is not true. I love nature! I'm also pretty sure that I used to roll around in poison ivy when I was a kid. But just like one out grows shoes, I have out grown the ability to not be allergic to poison ivy. Thank you Body. Now I have lovely bubbly skin on my arms that itch like a mother fucker. And just for that betrayal, Body, I just might put us on another week long juice cleanse. Two can play at this game Bitch. In the meantime I'm going to make a paste out of vinegar and baking soda to plaster my arms with since the over-the-counter cortizone cream is doing NOTHING! Also...I just read somewhere that it will take two to four weeks for it to go away. That better be one of those crazy miss-information things about the internet.

*Side note: I've found nothing about poison ivy affecting the brain, but it's a slight possibility. That or I'm just woozy from sleep deprivation from itchy arms and if I didn't have the most amazing will power ever, I'd claw my skin right off the bone.