FOURTEEN

Fourteen years ago today Chris and I were in Las Vegas getting married. I wore a beautiful suit styled dress my mom made for me. My bouquet was red roses and purple status. Chris wore a tux which we rented the day before the wedding. The chapel was The Chapel of Love and the ceremony was exactly eight minutes long. Misti called us right after the ceremony. We don't have decent pictures. I have one of the few OK pictures hanging on my desk. We had a reception the following Saturday at my parent's house. The weather was nice enough to be outside and I took my shoes off and ran around barefoot. Mom's irises had bloomed. Our cake was made by our good family friend, Karen. It was beautiful, but most importantly it was the best tasting wedding cake I'd ever eaten. Chris's cake was decorated with a Millennium Falcon. Every thing I can remember from those days are all smiles. That's all we did for weeks. Smile and laugh. I regret that we didn't get proper pictures of us all dressed up. I think that was the last time we were actually dressed up in fancy clothes. I regret that my dress didn't fit properly. I had lost weight right before the wedding and the skirt to my outfit had to be pinned up so that it wouldn't fall off of me. I regret that I didn't savor the time. I let the time zoom past without taking a moment to say "whoa nelly" and slow things down. Actually, that's my overall regret. I regret that I couldn't slow time. I regret that I don't have that watch from the Twilight Zone that let's me stop and freeze things. I regret that I couldn't make the good last longer.

I'm not going to lie. Today's one of those days where it would be easy to curl up on my bed with a few bottles. Today is one of those days where I separate. The shell of me sits here at my desk looking normal while the gooey insides of me curls up in the corner under my desk and hides from the day. It is a day where I don't want to talk to any one or answer any questions. A day where every memory, particularly the good ones, stabs me in the heart like voodoo pins. Today is really one of those days where I should be treated with caution like the way you'd treat a wild animal. Step cautiously away. Don't provoke or feed. Just quietly step away and precede with caution. Why, that's how I plan on treating myself today. With caution.