DEAREST HOOPER

I completely understand that there are squirrels in the backyard and that these squirrels are of the asshole variety that perch just out of reach on the fence while shaking their tails at you. They need to be barked at. I get that. I also realize that you take your job as backyard security dog very seriously. I know you feel that the fence perimeter must be patrolled many times a day. I mean, you never know right? Something may be trying to get in. A small hole may appear for you to squeeze through. You just don't know. Don't get me wrong. I appreciate all the work you do. I really do. I love that you bark at the strangers that walk by the house. And even though it's a little cliche, I even love that you bark at the mailman. I just have one request. Do you think you could manage to take a few days off for rain days? Do you really need to do all that stuff while it's pouring buckets outside? Last I checked you have a really nice dog house with a view of the entire backyard. I am not completely fooled you know. I know that in between all the barking, there's plenty of lounging. You should think of rainy days as vacation days. Just think, a whole day of laying around in a warm dry house. Paradise.

I would also appreciate it on those rainy days that you insist on staying out in the weather, that you would refrain from using the couch for your personal towel. I just don't think it's necessary to fling past me snubbing the clean towel I'm holding for the couch. Yes... I know the couch is ugly, but trust me. Rubbing your wet dog funk all over it does not improve it.

Thank you for your cooperation. Love , Your Human