DECISIONS

Chris and I worked hard in 2004 registering people to vote, working with the Red River Democracy Project, and attending rallies. We wanted to believe in change and we wanted to believe in John Kerry. The day after voting day in November was one of the most depressing days. I felt like a failure and I felt utterly hopeless. I felt like I didn't belong here. I just couldn't fathom the idea that there was such a majority of people out there who didn't believe in health care for everyone, and who didn't believe that we should give our troops and veterans (all of them) the medical care they deserved and needed, and who didn't believe that it is just plain wrong to pass on such the financial burden created by pursuing horrible economic policies to our children and grandchildren. We have been quietly sitting on the sidelines this election year. Don't get me wrong. I'm excited about our democratic nominee. He's the best candidate. Part of me just wants to be giddy with the prospects. But after the devastation of 2004, I just couldn't invest that much heart into something like this again. Which is to say, I've finally lost my idealism (thanks very much Bush administration). I've been watching the Democratic National Convention in Denver haphazardly this week, catching the speeches the next day on YouTube. Last night, we went to a watch party for the Obama speech. For a tiny instant, that spark and rush of excitement hit me and I thought "we may actually pull this off". You see...I'm so jaded that I still can't give in. I'll be holding my breath until the day after we vote. And my new mantra is "just don't fuck it up, just don't fuck it up, just don't fuck it up".