LOVE THURSDAY

How to charm a science-nerd girl: Take her to an observatory and show her the craters of the moon and Mercury. She will be properly wooed.

Happy Love Thursday!

LOVE THURSDAY

It is officially scooter season. My car has sat in the driveway all week long. In fact one evening, as I zipped down my street, I looked at my driveway and thought "Who's parked in my driveway?!? Oh, Wait! That's my car". Listen, I get up at 5:20 AM. My brain shuts off somewhere around 3:00 PM. Any hoo...Scooter Season! It. Is. Here! Monday night I rode the scooter over to meet someone for dinner at Bela Napoli's. I parked the V all alone at the curb but when we came out of the restaurant there were two little Honda scooters parked next to mine. It was like my Vespa was a mogwai and someone had spilled water on it. Then we walked around the Brookside neighborhood because the weather was so dang nice. As we walked I kept noticing all the scooters zipping around. Every time I spotted one I'd stop and say "oh! look at that one!". I'm sure I was really annoying.

There were not a lot of scooters in OKC when Chris and I were there. Things may be different there now. I mean they do have a Whole Foods, so maybe that also means more scooters on the road. I don't know, but when I still lived there, seeing a scooter was a novelty. It was like seeing that perfectly restored rust-free VW van or a unicorn. I see scooters all the time here. They are everywhere. I'll be walking on the treadmill and my gaze will travel over to the window. It never fails. I'll see at least one scooter ride by in the measly thirty minutes I'm on that treadmill. On the days when the weather was not so great and I chose to take the car, I'd feel really weak when I'd see someone ride by on their scooter. Of course they were all bundled up and looked a little miserable, but still. If they could do it, I could do it. Every time I see a scooter my heart gives a little jump.

You know how the shine wears off a new penny or kids out grow that one favorite toy? I thought that this would eventually happen with the scooter. I thought that one day I'd just be riding the scooter because it was economical. Really if I wanted to be more economical, I'd get a good bicycle. Nope. I ride the scooter for the sheer joy of riding the scooter. Sometimes I will make up errands just to have an excuse to take a round about way home, extending my scooter ride. There's often a tune playing in my head (mostly it's Pomplamoose's cover of All the Single Ladies) and I'll bob my head along to that tune. I still manage to turn a few heads as I drive down the street. All of it still makes me smile. It's like getting on my yoga mat. It brings so much joy. I love Scooter Season.

Happy Love Thursday!

LOVE THURSDAY

I have written and deleted so many words for this entry. It's a good thing I wasn't using real paper. What a waste of trees. Instead I have a virtual trash can of crumpled text. I thought about telling you about Terry's impromptu cookout Saturday, but as I started it began to feel like a list. Really the evening was a soothing balm. It was just a simple gathering in a backyard around a campfire with good people and lots of booze. I drank too much and passed out on Terry's couch. I got up around 2 AM to use the bathroom and Terry was just shutting down the lights in the kitchen. He hugged me like I was a little kid and asked me if I was OK. I mumbled a "yes" into his shirt followed with "I need to pee". He patted my head and said "OK" and that was that. Then we all went to sleep. Simple as that.

"The disturbers of happiness are our desires, our griefs, and our fears." - Samuel Johnson

That quote showed up in one of my recent Happiness Project newsletters. It reminded me of the conversations from that night. Talks of trying to be on a budget and figuring out where all the money goes. Confessions of worry about elderly parents and/or grandparents. The effort it takes to push yourself to get off the couch. Every single one of us had at least one of those three things disturbing our happiness in some way. And here is where I have to remind myself that there is no such thing as perfect or perfect happiness ALL the time. I have to remind myself that it's OK to have desires, griefs and fears because those are the things that makes us really appreciate those simple moments of happiness.

In that backyard that night we all had the opportunity to toss those desires, griefs and fears into the flames of that campfire and just be happy. The hangover was worth it.

Happy Love Thursday!

LOVE THURSDAY

When I was a kid, taco salad was chopped lettuce, kidney beans, green onions, tomatoes, ground beef, crushed Fritos and Catalina dressing. It will forever be known as Mom's taco salad. I was a teenager the first time I ordered taco salad in a restaurant and learned that mom's taco salad wasn't what people thought was "normal" taco salad. I was sorely disappointed when the waiter set down a large fried tortilla bowl filled with the things you put on a taco. Don't get me wrong. It was good, but not as good as the stuff mom had been feeding me all those years. And to this day, I still expect taco salad to come with Fritos and Catalina. It was a comfort food of summer. Mom's taco salad was also easily converted to a vegetarian meal. The problem came when Chris and I changed our diet to organic. The plan was to eat like we were living in Portland. We would only buy organic and little to none preservatives. We spent two hours on that first grocery shopping trip reading labels and picking out the "good" organic from the "bad" organic. Mom's taco salad was not so easy to convert. Organic Fritos were expensive and the closest we could get to an organic Catalina dressing was French dressing. We adapted, but it just wasn't the same.

Now I have access to much cheaper organic Fritos, but the dressing is still a miss. A lot of times I'd have to make a trip to a second grocery store just to get the French dressing, something I didn't feel like doing last weekend. I was about to settle for salsa as my dressing while I was putting together a taco salad on Monday when I thought "what if I had all the ingredients to just make a Catalina dressing?". So, I did what any one would do. I Googled it. And the second entry on list came from Simply Scratch. Not only does she have a recipe for the dressing, but she uses it for the SAME taco salad recipe that is Mom's. I had to change the dressing recipe a little because I didn't have red wine vinegar or a yellow onion. Instead I used a green onion and balsamic vinegar, but it worked and it was easy. I also added quinao seasoned with taco seasoning (sort of my ground beef sub) and I swear if it wasn't the best taco salad I'd ever eaten. It tasted just like Mom's.

I'm leery to make a whole Love Thursday entry about food, but food has the ability to bring us all together. One bite of that certain dish can fill the brain with good memories. I can remember Mom making up a huge bowl of taco salad on a summer evening when we'd all gather for dinner. I can remember standing in the kitchen with Mom, Katrina and Janell as we all helped in someway to put this meal together. My favorite part was crushing the Fritos. It still is. But these memories fit right in with Mom's pizza nights and spaghetti dinners. Comfort foods are aptly named.

So, tell me what your favorite summer comfort food on this Love Thursday.

LOVE THURSDAY

While I was in Tulsa this weekend, my friends Eagle and Miranda (who live in Tulsa) where having a mini-vacation in KC. Lucky for me their mini-vacay lasted through Monday so I was able to meet them for lunch. Miranda is a recent veggie convert and it was easy to twist their arms into trying my favorite vegan restaurant. We had a great visit chatting about family, their trip, the delicious food. All of that good stuff. I hated that I didn't get all weekend with them but was happy with the time we did have.

That same Monday, all Hell was breaking loose in Oklahoma. I was doing my part to help by being a calm texting voice of reason to my friend Jen who was waiting out the weather and worrying about her husband Ken who was supposed to be getting on a plane. He eventually did make that flight many hours later, a flight that brought him here for a conference. I kidnapped him from the conference yesterday and forced him to eat Ethiopian food and drive him around the city. It was great to see him and hear the news about what is going on at my old work place. We had a nice visit and I got a little bit teary when I dropped him back off at his hotel.

Tonight I will meet Chris's family for dinner. They are here for a family get-a-way. I haven't seen the kids in too many months and I have a feeling that they might not be "kids" any more. So this seems to be the week of surprise visits. People dropping into my days to share meals and break bread with. I cannot complain. Each one have been a pleasant surprise to this week.

Happy Love Thursday.

LOVE THURSDAY - MOTHERS' DAY EDITION

“Be sure to pack practical shoes,” I heard her yell from the other room. I rolled my eyes and quietly mocked back, “Be sure to pack practical shoes.” I was packing for a trip to Colorado to attend the National 4-H Roundup. This wasn’t my first trip away from home. By my senior year in high school, I was a seasoned traveler, constantly attending some sort of 4-H, band, choir or church camp, conference or retreat. Yeah, I was Lisa Simpson in high school. That same summer I had spent a whopping one week at home. The rest of that time was spent gallivanting around the great state of Oklahoma. I didn’t need my mother telling me how to pack. Besides, it was October. That’s still flip-flop weather in Oklahoma and Colorado wouldn’t be that far off. I knew my Keds and dress flats would be fine. Keds are totally practical. But as our bus reached the Denver suburbs, the snow started to fall and my heart began to sink with dread. To make matters worse one of the two buses in our group broke down. They piled us all onto one bus to get us to the conference. When we finally arrived at the hotel we were all cranky, tired, hungry and late to the opening event. Then I found out I would be rooming with three much younger girls. It made me feel like a babysitter and it turned out to be the straw that broke the camel’s back. I called Mom. I told her I hated everything and I wanted to come home RIGHT NOW. I told her it was snowing and that I hadn’t packed those practical shoes and I wanted to come home. Mom’s voice sounded panicky in her reply. I had never done this sort of thing before. I never called home. I was the child that didn’t need her 94.2% of the time. She told me that she would figure out a way to come get me, but in the meantime, I was to try to have a good time. She told me that if things were not better in the morning to call her back and she would come. I never called back. Everything turned out fine. I came home with great new stories and a pineapple (random). It just made me feel better to know Mom was there and had my back. My siblings are way older than me, my brother by 16 years and my sister by 5. I know five years doesn’t seem like much, especially now, but we never went to the same school at the same time. By the time I was three, my brother was married and out of the house and by the time I was 14, my sister was married and out of the house. As a result, I have always been independent and self reliant. The joke in our small town was that my parents had three only children. When I was a baby, I learned that if I hopped up and down in my highchair, I could scoot it across the kitchen floor. This was how I managed to spill scalding hot coffee down myself. Twice. I became quite adept at climbing cabinets to get to bowls and cereal. After one summer of my sister’s daily lunches of burned mac & cheese or soggy tuna salad, I figured out very quickly how to use that stove. I remember the first day of preschool, when mom dropped me off I barely waved goodbye. I don’t even know if Mom hung around to wistfully stare at me or got teary or any of that. I headed straight to the big easel in the middle of the room and started painting. I remember witnessing other kids being dropped off that day and being shocked by the screaming and crying. I had never seen someone cling so fiercely to a hand. One girl threw a tantrum like I’d never seen before. It was mesmerizing. Her face was as red as a tomato as she screamed and cried. Her mom would get one of the girl’s tiny hands pried from her arm only to find it instantly reattached to another section of her body. I’m sure her mom thought she was fighting an octopus. I was appalled. “What’s the big deal? She’ll come back and get you later. Plus you get to play with all this stuff!” Preschool for me meant that I was just that much closer to getting to ride the big yellow bus. The same bus my sister shoved me away from every morning when I tried to go to school with her. I didn’t understand these kids and their separation anxiety. I was always being dropped off with various babysitters and Mom always came back. OK, there was that one time when I was forgotten, but that was just one of those miscommunication things between Mom and Dad. It happens. What? It totally happens. Anyway, I knew someone would eventually come get me.

My mom never passed on much in the way of words of wisdom. She’s a good Southern woman. So she taught me to stand up straight and chew with my mouth closed, but she didn’t teach me anything about menstrual cycles or sex. She never warned me about drugs or alcohol, but she did teach me how to tie a proper bow and how to flip pancakes. One time she told me, after I’d mentioned that I thought my boobs were getting bigger, that “Sex will do that to you”, which was funny because I was still a virgin at the time. I told her “I guess that’s something to look forward to.” She moved onto a new topic. The one thing that I can say is that my mom has always been there in the 5.8% of the time when I did need her. All of those horrible sewing projects I had to do in 4-H? Mom was right there. She’d camp out on the floor of the sewing room while I painstakingly removed the right sleeve from the left side of a dress. She sat there because she knew the minute she left I would be hollering “MOMMMMM!!!! HELLLPPP!!!!”. I was not good at stitching.

And then Chris got sick. He got so sick that I had to take him to the emergency room. That was where they discovered the large tumor on his liver, the same day our sewage started backing up in our basement. I spent from early morning to late evening in an emergency room waiting, worrying, and freaking out. When they got Chris settled into a room, I went home to take care of the dog and get some rest. Except I was too revved up to sleep. I donned rubber gloves and a mask, grabbed bleach, a dustbin and a mop and then headed down into the basement to attempt a clean up. I scraped and gagged and gagged and scraped poop off the floor until my arms were rubbery and I was woozy on bleach fumes. When I finally gave up and lay down, I lay there staring at the ceiling while my brain tried to work out how I was going to be at the hospital with Chris, deal with the literal shit in my basement, take care of the dog and be at work all at the same time. It was like that riddle where you have a duck, a bag of seed, and a fox and you all have to get across the river, but you can’t carry it all in the same trip and you can’t leave any of the three alone together. I had reached the point where I didn’t have the brainpower to solve the duck, fox and seed riddle let alone the riddle of my life. I knew that in order to get everyone safely to the other side I was going to have to make two trips, carry the duck and fox over together, leave the fox. Then go back with the duck and get the seed. I could make two trips or call my mom. I called mom. And she was there. She was there to take care of the dog and deal with the plumber. She made sure I had a hot meal every evening and clean clothes to wear. And when her oh-so-self-reliant-independent daughter broke down in sobs and admitted her fears, she was there to put her arms around her. She knew better than to tell me that everything would be all right, because in the end it wasn’t, but she was there to reassure me that I didn’t have to go through it alone.

There are times when I get so frustrated with my mom. Really, who doesn’t get frustrated with their mom? Moms can be so annoying with their know-everything ways and their insistence on helping. But then I think about the child I was and the person I’ve become. I think it must have been really hard being my mom. I was her last chance at having a child to mother and coddle and I wanted nothing to do with being mothered. I was her baby. The baby of the family. Ha! My parents still introduce me to people as “their baby.” I imagine that it must have been really hard to have your baby only need you 5.8% of the time, to sit back and wait for her to ask for help. And so I take note of the things she did teach me. I take the time to tie a proper bow on a package. I can flip a mean pancake. I have excellent posture. I still can’t sew a straight line and Mom may still have to help stitch things together, but I always, always, remember to pack practical shoes.

Happy Love Thursday.

LOVE THURSDAY

Hey, you guys remember when I ate this?

And when I took this picture?

No? Well...it does seem like a lifetime ago. But do you see that guy taking orders? I met him the other day. His name is Ceasar (the mastermind behind The Magical Meatball Tour). We sat outside at Bella Napoli's and he watched me eat my pizza while regaling me with tales of his life. There's a word in Ayurveda called rasa that basically means juice or essence. It's that thing that makes life good. When you're living a rasa life you are living a juicy life. Ceasar is one of those people that has a lot of rasa in his life. He's head chef at a trendy farm to table like restaurant and when you watch him talk about cooking you can tell he loves it. He was once part of a traveling sideshow where he ate glass and swallowed swords. He ATE glass! He rides a scooter and he gives really great hugs. He is, by far, the most fascinating person I've met in a really long time (maybe since that time I met Wayne Coyne).

All I did was sit and listen to these stories. The most crazy and exciting thing I've ever done was get married in Vegas and buy a scooter. I had my eyebrow pierced for a while. That's livin' on the edge. I have always led a safe and somewhat conventional life. At one point Ceasar stopped in the middle of something and said "I think I'm doing all the talking." I just shrugged and said "yeah". The truth was I didn't really care. I was just having a good time listening to all of it. I am not the extreme adventurer and I am perfectly OK with this. That's just not who I am or my job in life. No, my job is to be the recorder of these stories, to be the one that sits in rapt attention. I am the observer. I always have been. Of all our friends from college, I am the only science person. They were all English/Drama people. It was like I was part of their group to study them. I like thinking of it that way. I like being the collector of those tales and memories, scientifically filing them away in the back of my brain.

Happy Love Thursday!

LOVE THURSDAY

Years ago, when the original version of this blog got eaten by a server, I knew that I wanted something different for this space. I knew I wanted something better. I wanted to use this space to help pull myself out of the muck and turn it into sort of a temple to all the good things. I don't mean to sugarcoat my life or life in general. Bad shit happens every day. Some days are worse than others. But maybe, just maybe, there was one simple little part of that day that made you smile. One day at work the topic of my 365 days of happiness came up. Someone said "Be happy every day?!? That's ridiculous." And it is ridiculous to think that we can be happy every day, bu he missed the point of the project. Many days I have to force myself to really look around me to just find that one thing, that one reminder that the whole day was not total shit. I wanted this space to be a celebration of these things. Rebuilding this blog to reflect the good things in my life planted a seed. Actually, it planted many seeds. Instead of just growing one flower, I feel like I've grown a whole yard of flowers. I now have an easier time spotting the good things around me. It is one of the reasons I can look back on my times with Chris with so much joy. It is a place that I can come to on my dark days and be reminded of the sunshine. But I never in a million years envisioned that the things written here would filter out to touch others. It never dawned on me that I could do some really amazing things with this space. Twice, I've asked for help funding a project through Donors Choose here at this site and both times you have helped to fund them. I asked for donations for the AIDS Walk KCMO, and once again you guys stepped up. I more than doubled my original goal amount. All I did was ask.

So today, I honor you and this space for Love Thursday. I love what this blog has become and I love that it has helped bring us all together to do some pretty great things. But more than anything, I love you guys for being so willing and so generous.

Happy Love Thursday!

LOVE THURSDAY

Last Friday, Jeff came over to move some heavy things out of my basement in preparation for my garage sale. Moving things was his job in college. He's really good at it. I paid him with a beer and while he was drinking it, I picked up this horseshoe and said "hey! See this?". I then told him the story of how I got that horseshoe. Chris and I had just made the tentative deal to buy our house. It was summer time and we had gone down to First Friday to find the snow cone lady. After we roamed the streets and fought the crowds looking for and not finding the snow cone truck, we wandered into Hammerpress. We both saw the horseshoe at the same time and then said in unison "we should get that for the house!". So we bought a horseshoe. Chris took this picture for me for my 365 day project.

At the time, we hadn't told anyone yet about the house. It was still our tiny little seashell of a secret for the two of us. We had plans to hang it over the door after we painted the living room, but the horseshoe got put into a drawer, set aside and forgotten. I came across it when I was cleaning out that dresser a few weeks ago.

After I told Jeff the story, he hung that horseshoe for me. I waited until after he left before I started crying.

Happy Love Thursday.

*P.S. I am still (yes, still) collecting funds for the AIDS Walk KCMO. It's not too late to donate!

LOVE THURSDAY

I know I've been quiet this week. Mostly its because I have nothing new to tell you. I am currently on hold. While I've been on hold this week, Spring has coming roaring into town. I say roaring because our evenings have been loud with thunder and the sound of heavy rain. We wake up to everything dripping. The petals from the tulip trees are scattered all over the sidewalks. Tree pollen and seeds litter the streets. Then there are the gentler signs of Spring like the tiny blooms of the rosebud trees and the snow white blossoms of the Bradford pear trees. My favorite are the tulips. I saw the green beginnings of them weeks ago and then we had another snow storm. I figured that this wrecked them and we wouldn't see tulips this year. But they're here, popped up and open over night. They're a little droopy from the rain and hail, but the colors are just as bright and vibrant.

There's an old yoga saying that we both fear and crave change. I've noticed how this saying doesn't just apply to everyday life, but to the seasons as well. I think all of us have been craving the change into Spring, craving this change without fear.

Happy Love Thursday

*P.S. I'm still raising money for the AIDS Walk KCMO.

LOVE THURSDAY

I got my ears pierced when I was nine. It was my birthday present and it was a big deal because Mom had determined that that was the age I was considered "old enough" for pierced ears. I did all the things required to facilitate the healing process. I cleaned my newly pierced ears twice a day and I rotated the earrings. I was so excited when the day came were I could finally wear earrings other than the ones they used to pierce my ears with, but my excitement turned to disappointment. It turned out that half of the earrings I ended up trying to wear, more than half really, irritated my ears. I would start out in a pair of cute dangly things and by the time I'd get home, my ears would be red, swollen and painful to air. I had a pair of silver elephants that were about the only pair I could wear and I wore those all the time. Until I lost one. And no one could remember where we had purchased them. Years went by. I stopped wearing earrings all together and the holes closed up. I got my ears re-pierced so that I could wear pearls at my wedding and because the pain of getting my ears re-pierced was so horrible, I've continued to wear earrings. And my silver elephant earring were eventually replaced. Mom found them in the toy shop at Silver Dollar City, which makes sense because we spent 50% of my childhood at Silver Dollar City (kids, I remember when that place didn't have rides). Yes, I am a grown woman wearing children's earrings. So when I saw these earrings, I knew that I had to have them. They are a grown up version of my Silver Dollar City earrings. It wasn't easy to buy these for myself. It's never easy to do something kind for myself even when I feel good about it. It's like the help thing. I just struggle with it.

I tell you that because, today I am getting my first mammogram, not because I've reached the age where this is required, but because my doctor felt "something" during our visit on Monday. She's pretty sure that it is just a cyst, but wants a mammogram and ultrasound just to be on the safe side. And because I already have another appointment after work with my energy/massage therapist, I decided to use this as a sick day. I'll spend my morning getting smooshed and scanned in the name of science, treat myself to a nice lunch, and spend my evening getting smooshed for stress. I'm going to do kind things for myself today and I'm not going to struggle with it.

Be kind to yourself today. Happy Love Thursday!

*P.S. Still raising money for the KCMO AIDS Walk and I'm so close to meeting my goal. Any little bit helps. Thank you!!!

LOVE THURSDAY

Tuesday morning, while checking in on facebook, I noticed that a few profile pics had changed to support the Human Rights Campaign. I thought this was nice, but still unsure about changing mine to match. I don't like to be a crowd follower. But then I started thinking about the people I'm facebook friends with. I changed my profile picture for them. I did it because I wanted them to know that I love them and support them. I wanted them to know that I believe they deserve the same rights as I have. As the day progressed I saw more and more profile pictures change over to the HRC symbol and it kind of made my heart swell. It reminded me of something I thought about while I was watching Makers. One of the women from the early days said, in reference to the current debate on womens reproduction rights, that they would be screaming in the streets. She couldn't understand why that wasn't happening now. At first I thought "Yeah! Why aren't we marching and yelling?!?!", but then I realized we are doing those things. It's just that the venue for protest has changed. Today we make our voices heard through social media and the internet. We have the ability to shut down or support a company with just a 140 characters (remember the whole JCPenny/Ellen ad thing?). And maybe some people will be skeptical that doing something as simple as changing a profile picture actually does anything, but I disagree. It's a simple way of adding your voice and showing that you care.

OK, so maybe changing a profile picture doesn't do much, but it sure made me feel good to find a small way to show my gay friends that I support their right to marry. It also made me feel good to see so many others do the same. The internet is really a great place for spreading love. Happy Love Thursday!

*P.S. I'm still raising money for the AIDS Walk KCMO!

LOVE THURSDAY

When Amanda was little, she used to stay with me all the time. She spent weekends with us in Chickasha and Stillwater. There would be trips to the park and McDonalds and she'd eat lots of mashed potatoes with white gravy (mostly she just ate the gravy). But then life got hectic and she was split between parents and school and our little weekends of just us went away. I didn't realize just how much I missed them until just now. She rode home with me on Sunday and spent a few days of her Spring Break with me this week. While she was here, I kept having to remind myself that she's not a baby any more. When I had to go back to work on Tuesday, she took my car so that she could drive around, explore the city on her own and meet up with her other Aunt for lunch. I tried to be cool and play it all off like it was nothing for her to drive my car around in a big unfamiliar city. I tried not to worry or text her twenty thousand times that day. Really there was no need to worry because she did just fine on her own and I knew that she would.

Her mother worries as mothers do and I know Janell wanted me to be some sort of influential voice, but Amanda doesn't really need an influential voice. She has a very clear plan for her future and knows what she wants. There's no doubt in my mind that she'll do all of those great things. I am so proud of the young woman that she's become. She's going to be just fine.

I loved having her here and I can't wait for the next visit.

Happy Love Thursday!

LOVE THURSDAY

Fifteen years ago today I married Chris at the Chapel of Love in Las Vegas, NV. The end. No...I'm kidding. I'm just having a hard time finding my words. I remember being so stressed about the details of the trip and finances, that I got sick and lost so much weight my dressed had to be safety pinned to keep it on me. I remember that once we were there and had our marriage license everything went perfectly. I remember that we were happy. Today marks the last of significant days for a while. They all came right after another starting with my birthday, followed by Chris's birthday, then the one year anniversary of his death and finally ending with the day we were married. Is it any wonder why the dreams have been so crazy lately? Apparently, I'd rather be attacked by bears than remember the loss. But there's not a day that goes by where I don't remember all the joy and laughter and love.

This weekend I will celebrate by witnessing the wedding of another young couple. This couple has it more together than Chris and I ever did. They've already learned to work together as a team and approach all things with laughter. I'm really rather proud of them. And I'm humbled and blessed to be included.

I also treated myself to some expensive (to me) earrings that will be here in a couple of weeks ("they are custom made upon purchase" according to the receipt -fancy).

Happy Love Thursday.

LOVE THURSDAY

Today's Love Thursday is more of a list. I just don't have enough of one thing today and really my brain has been working on an entirely different type of entry that doesn't fit into a Love Thursday or Thankful Friday category. You'll just have to have patience for that entry. The AIDS Walk Open helped to strengthen my determination to participate in the KCMO AIDS Walk. The guys I spent my Saturday with work so hard on the AIDS Walk in general. They are my inspiration. In fact, this may end up being my project for the next two months. I have signed up to donate $10 a month to Donors Choose, but have not decided on a specific project yet. The AIDS Walk has always been my thing, my charity. So I went over to set up a donation page and realized that I already had one for OKC AIDS Walk. I had no idea I'd raised $320 for the AIDS Walk that year. Go me! So, for the next two months I will be reminding people to get over to my AIDS Walk KCMO donation page to give some money to a great cause (I'm still trying to figure out how to add the widget to the blog--Todd?).

Tuesday night I pulled into my driveway to see that someone had brought my recycle bin up from the curb. This may sound like a very small act of kindness but it really meant the world to me. I have a long driveway and at the end of the day when I'm extra tired, the driveway can be twice as long as usual. Tuesday was also frighteningly cold, with blustering twenty-five miles per hour winds. There's still about a foot and half of snow still sitting on my yard. So retrieving the recycle bin was pretty much at the top of the list of things I did not want to do. Seeing that recycle bin already sitting next to my front steps just made everything lighter.

Wednesday, Sean brought all the ingredients required to make a brownie in a mug. A few of us gathered in the break room after lunch and made brownies. They were delicious and came at the perfect time of the day. It made everything about Wednesday better. We used this recipe and Nutella instead of almond butter. Do this! It will make everything better.

Happy Love Thursday!

LOVE THRUSDAY

Let me tell you about my new(ish) friend Diane. Chad introduced us when I was visiting him and Jess in Atlanta. Diane owns the most charming book store in Decatur GA called Little Shop of Stories and she was in town this week for a book conference. I went and kidnapped her for lunch on Sunday and as we were driving over to the restaurant, she asked about what I did for a living. I told her about my job and when I finished, she said "So...you're smart." Then she followed that up with "You are smart. I just own a bookstore." And that's where I went "Wooaaaa, uh no." I told her that she just doesn't sell books, she sells literacy. Getting to buy a book was always a treat for me. There was always at least one book on my list to Santa and pennies were often saved up for trips to the bookstore. We used to eat Sunday dinners at the Black-eyed Pea. The one we always went to was right next to the best little bookstore. I would beg to go in every time. I loved reading and bookstores like Diane's fostered that love. It has always slightly annoyed me that there are young kids in my life who would rather see the movie than read the book. The book is always better! Diane doesn't just sell books. She sells imagination and dreams. OK...yes...I am smart (at science), but I'm smart because of the influence of people like Diane and her shop.

So in honor of reading, literacy and great books, we are going to get Mr. Barnett's class some books. They only need $113 more and this project will be funded. Some of you may have donated through DonorsChoose.org before. If you have, be sure to go in and check your account with them. Sometimes projects run out of time and the money you donated gets funded back to your account for you to pick a different project to donate to. You won't know this unless you check your DonorsChoose account (they don't email you). So in case you missed it the link is: http://www.donorschoose.org/project/upchuck-and-the-rotten-willy/945144/

Thank you! And Happy Love Thursday!

UPDATE: You guys fully funded that project and the awe of it all nearly brought me to my knees. I love all of you and I'm thinking we need a project a month from DonorsChoose. Send me your suggestions!

LOVE THURSDAY

The other day in my creative journaling, I drew a large tree. The roots were thick and dug deep into the earth. The canopy of the tree was full and lush. Sure it looked like a small child had drawn and colored the tree, but it's my tree and my journal. When I began to write words under the tree I thought they would be words about wanting Spring. I do want Spring and Summer and warm sunny days. I want to sit out under a big leafy tree. I want my flip flops. I want to ride my scooter. I want all of those things, but that's not what I ended up writing about. Instead I found myself drawn to those big fat roots and how they anchored the tree into the ground. I have spent the last few days with dates of a calender swirling around me. I think there's something planned for every weekend in March. I've filled in dates of things I know will be happening and I've circled dates for tentative things that will be happening. Everyday the calender seems to get a bit more full. The planning and scheduling has made me a little panicky. The other night I dreamed that I forgot Stephanie's birthday. I didn't forget it was her birthday, but I forgot that this particular day was April 2nd. In my dream I thought it was still April 1st. I hurried and sent her a text of the present I had just sent in the mail. It was a book call the Tao of Happy. Stephanie...that book doesn't even exist, so don't worry. You are not getting that book for your birthday. I woke from the dream feeling disconcerted. In an effort to calm and ground myself I have found that I have been placing my hand on my heart a lot lately (it's a yoga thing).

I realized that that tree doesn't represent my longing for warm weather. It represents me. The roots are strong and ground the tree while the leaves remain lush and free to flutter in the breeze, the limbs swaying. It represents that balance of being centered while still being able to bend and move with the flow. This soothes me.

Happy Love Thursday!

LOVE THURSDAY

By way of that weird time/space conundrum thing Valentine's Day just happens to fall on a Thursday, also known as Love Thursday around here. I have never really been a fan of Valentine's Day. Chris and I never celebrated it. We were not good with planned romance. The few times we made the attempt to be like other couples on Valentine's Day, we failed miserably. I mean it never ended with us angry or fighting. It just ended with us both being disenfranchised with the whole idea of Valentine's Day, irritated by the crowded restaurants and the emphasis to Make. This. Day. Special. We did manage to get it right once, but that was only because we forgot it was Valentine's Day and ended up at our favorite Indian Restaurant that happened to be having a Valentine's Day dinner special. But then my friend Jill was talking about how they spent the day decorating their little girl's Valentine's box and I remembered that there was a time when I did enjoy this holiday. I loved decorating that shoe box into a mailbox for Valentines. I loved making and addressing Valentines to all of my classmates. I loved opening the shoe box up on Valentine's Day and just seeing the big pile of Valentines. We were all too young to associate Valentine's Day with boyfriend/girlfriend stuff or complicated relationships or how it's the loneliest day for single people. We were too young for expectations of a grand romantic gesture from that certain someone. Everyone gave out and received a Valentine. I was partial to those heart shaped suckers.

There are many parts of my life before college that I would never ever want to repeat. Breaking both arms (luckily not at the same time), that unfortunate haircut, all of high school are things I could have done with out. But those days of shoe box Valentines? I could do those again. In fact, I'm not really sure why that's something we had to grow out of. Can you just imagine how enjoyable Valentine's Day would be for EVERYONE if we still did the the shoe box Valentine mailbox thing?

I think I'll have Indian food for dinner tonight. Happy Love Thursday!

LOVE THURSDAY

Several weeks ago someone said "scuzzy cable" and I giggled. Since that time that person has managed to insert the word "scuzzy" into conversations while talking to me, just to see if he can get me to laugh. I do laugh. Every time. I can't help it. But it also reminded me of something Chris used to do. Years ago Chris said "I can get Cindy to laugh at anything. Even dead Presidents." Then he'd look at me and say "Abraham Lincoln" and I'd giggle. "Herbert Hoover." Complete laughing. By the time he'd say "Richard Nixon" I'd be rolling on the floor with tears leaking out of my eyes from laughing so hard. I know Presidents are not funny, particularly the dead ones. It had nothing to do with a dead President, but with the suggestion of funny and the delivery. One time we were all at my parents' house and we were getting ready to sit down for dinner. The whole family was there and Mom had asked Dad three times if he'd "say the blessin'" but he'd managed to not hear her every time. Saying grace before a big family meal used to be something that we did, but it wasn't something we had done in some time. But any way, we were all standing there waiting and Dad says "What are we waiting on?". That's when Katrina looked at him and yelled "We are waiting for you to say the blessing." (She married into the family. She pronounces her g's). Then Chris, with a low voice, says "Dear Lord...Please let this man hurry up and say grace so we can eat." My Dad heard that and said "Amen!" and we ate. But I still can't stop giggling over that moment. I'm laughing now as I type this.

Chris had the gift of delivery. It wasn't just the line or phrase. Anyone can say something funny. No...the way Chris did it was an art. A ballet of words. He had the knack not just for developing the line in his head, but for waiting until the most precise moment to release that line to the public. He could make dead Presidents (Hell, even the ones not dead yet) the funniest thing you've ever heard.

Your turn. What's the funniest thing you remember Chris saying?

Happy Love Thursday!

LOVE THURSDAY

Saturday I received my Rare Seed catalog from Baker Creek Heirloom Seeds. I realize that you can look and shop for their seeds online, but the catalog is so beautiful. It's filled with wonderful pictures and descriptions and as I flipped through it I immediately wanted to grow EVERYTHING. Who wouldn't want to grow a black seeded ice cream watermelon?!? My seed list quickly out grew my garden space and I started thinking of growing things in undesignated areas. Like okra along the fence line. Trellises of beans up the side of the house. Artichokes in the front "flower" bed. (I put flowers in quotes because I have yet to do anything with the front of the house.) I do this every year, over plan the garden. I get carried away with varieties and exotics and end up planting things that I never eat. This year I vow to be smarter in my garden planting. There will be lots of leafy greens, potatoes and sweet potatoes, carrots and cauliflower. Maybe some parsnips. The catalog made me excited for Spring. I'm ready for warmer weather. I'm ready to dig in the dirt. I'm ready to ride my scooter. I feel like I'm ready for a lot of things. Over the Holiday, I had the chance to see my yoga teacher Karen for lunch. At one point in our conversation she said "It doesn't get easier." Those words released me. Up until that moment, I had been holding my breath, waiting. "It gets easier" is the thing people always tell you after a loss and there was a large part of me that wanted to believe this. Tomorrow will be better or next week. Just give it a few more months. Next year. Next year will be better. Except it is not. Sure there are parts of it that's easier. I've gotten the hang of taking care of myself and I'm used to being alone. But I still miss him just as much today as I did the day he left. Realizing that this is always going to be the case is where the "it gets easier" part comes in. I am content in my aloneness and though I say I am ready for a lot of things, I do not crave the dating scene. Maybe what I'm really ready for is to be OK with all of that.

And then it snowed on Wednesday and a chicken catalog arrived and I forgot all about gardening. Happy Love Thursday Folks!