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DOING THE THING

Cindy Maddera

All the inspirational memes I’ve seen have been about not being afraid to do the thing. There are workshops and motivational talks on getting one’s self together and doing the thing. When I say ‘the thing’ I’m referring to that life goal that you might have set on a shelf because you don’t have enough time, or don’t feel like you’re prepared, or you don’t know how to get started, but you know some day you want to do it. It’s the activity you want to do but have a million excuses for not doing. There are loads of advice out there on how to move past those excuses. But what happens when you finally get past your own excuses and do the thing?

A thousand years ago, I sat down to write up a Life List of one hundred things I’d like to do. The list was not necessarily a ‘bucket list’, but more of list for just living. It was not meant to be stagnant. If you did something on the list, you crossed it off and maybe added something new. I struggled with separating the things I wanted to do from the things I should do. I’d always end up writing something about getting organized on the list, which is stupid. Sure, there are parts of my life not organized (photos and albums), but most of my daily life is organized. I know where all the things are. My calendar is up to date and color coded. There is no need to have anything about organizing on a Life List. Still, I struggled and it took weeks to finish a list of one hundred fun and enjoyable wants.

The Life List was abandoned when Chris died. There have been times when I thought about rewriting it, making a new one that wouldn’t involve him, but I have yet to make some time to do this. One thing I know is that having a showing for my photos would probably not end up on that list. It has turned out to be something that has fallen into a gray area of something I should do and the thing (goal) or want to do. After all this time of taking photos and posting and creating my art, sharing it in a tangibly public way seemed like the next step. So I did it. I did the thing. And now I’m not sure how I feel about it. I’m looking for the motivational memes that would tell me how to process having my first artist reception. It’s a large bag of mixed emotions that I feel needs to be organized and compartmentalized. I am appreciative of all the praise but simultaneously cringe from it. It’s a good feeling to know I am so loved, but also want to put up walls to block some of it out.

Those motivational memes, those workshops on accomplishing goals don’t ever talk about the after you do the thing because getting you to do the thing is easier than suggesting ways to process the mixed bag of feelings you end up with after doing the thing. So here’s my motivational after take. If you are cringing at praise being given to you, it is because you have an inner critic telling you that you do not deserve the praise. Those walls you put up to shield away love are walls built from feeling inadequate to reciprocate that love at the same level as what is being flung at you. If those who came to the art showing were insincere in their praise they would not have spent money on purchasing my art. The last one is a little harder, but I hope my friends and family know how much I love them.

I am not likely to ever add “art showing” to any kind of Life List, but I am not ruling out the possibility of doing another showing some time in the future. I only say this because I can envision what I want for the next showing. I not only know what I’d do differently for the next one, I know how to make those changes. I’ve learned to separate my wants from shoulds.

THE BIRDS

Cindy Maddera

In the late afternoon on Saturday, Michael drove me an hour and half north to see hundreds of thousands of birds. And it was spectacular. I did not see a single Canadian goose for once. Instead, we saw swans, little ducks that I think were surf scooters, eagles and so many snow geese. There was a grass fire and hundreds of thousands of snow geese flying around which made for some dramatic shots. I took a lot of pictures, standing outside, hanging out the truck window, standing in the sunroof. We also passed a number of other photographers, often set up on tripods in various places on the driving loop.

This is when I realized that I am not a wildlife photographer. First of all, I don’t have the gear for it. I could easily spot the photographers who specialize in wildlife photography by the size of their lenses and how they were camped out with plans to be there for a while. I saw one guy remove a lens from the back of his SUV that was the size of a bazooka gun. I was not envious. I was just as happy taking a picture of a lone dead tree in a mostly empty marsh as I was taking pictures of birds. I also really lack the patience for it. I’m not one for camping out for hours to get the “perfect” shot. I’m not mad about any of the pictures I took, but I am not delusional enough send anything off to National Geographic.

And I am perfectly at ease with this knowledge.

I didn’t plan this excursion solely on photography. I wanted to see a million birds in one place, which we did. Every time Michael stopped the truck and we got out so I could take pictures, the thing that hit me was the sound. The honking and chatter of geese was the only sound to be heard, but there was so much more. You would be standing there, mesmerized by a white sea of geese, all noisy and then suddenly the sound would stop. The honking would be replaced with a ‘whoosh’ as all of the birds would lift up out of the water and take flight. There would be almost an absence of sound as they all flapped their wings. It was if they were pulling the sound up and away with them. They would swirl around in the air for a minute or two before they would all land and settle in, sound returning to honks and chatter. It was a complete sensory experience. We left the wildlife refuge and stopped in St. Joseph for dinner at Cajun restaurant, where went in with low expectation. I mean…St. Joseph is a little too far north for southern cuisine. We were seated at one of the best tables and served fired oysters that were breaded and fried like how my mom would make them at Christmas. They didn’t have an extensive list of daiquiris or Abita beer on the menu, but we were happily surprised by the authenticity of their dishes. We left with happy full bellies and then we were home in time for SNL reruns.

When we finally made it back home, Michael asked me if I had a good time. I responded with ‘yes’, but then flipped the question back on him. He said that he had really had a nice time and then he said “More of this, please.” I wrote something in my book club journal yesterday when I was trying to write down responses to “I’d ask _ for a _.” We were supposed to be asking men we knew for something and like many of the women in my book group, I was struggling to think of the men I know/knew and what I’d want from any of them. I finally gave up and started writing my thoughts.

Michael will do anything I ask him to do. He may not do it without grumbling first or with an open heart, but he will do it. I just have to ask.

I asked to see a million birds in one space and he took me to see a million birds in one space.

2022 IN PICTURES

Cindy Maddera

It is the time of year where I like to take a moment and look back on all that happened in a year’s time. It’s important that I do this before I start jumping ahead to the new year. My brain is already buzzing with things I want for 2023 and lately the buzz hasn’t gotten so loud that I want to start screaming like that guy studying for his midterms in Real Genius. Looking back on the year is helping my brain be less buzzy. I did some real self care work and earned a Self Care Advocate certificate of completion. We traveled some and we had moments of being silly. We made good on a promise to take the Cabbage to Canada, but what I really see when I look back at my pictures for this year is love. I captured so many moments of love. Family, friends, friends succeeding at things, people celebrating love, so much love. I want more of that in 2023.

SPONTANEOUS

Cindy Maddera

Here is what was on my weekend to-do list: laundry, grocery shopping, bin buying, camper clean out, general household cleaning, balloon ride.

I checked all of those things off my list except for the hot air balloon ride. That got cancelled because of wind, but I’m not too upset about that. When I got home from grocery shopping, Michael helped me unload the car and said “let’s be tourists today.” I was still a little bit pouty over the canceled balloon ride, but shrugged and replied “I’ve never been to the Toy and Miniature Museum.” So, we hopped on our scooters in search of lunch before heading to the museum. We found Earl’s Premier while we were looking for something else and it turned out to be a very very good accidental find. It is the kind of restaurant that feels like someplace we’d visit while on vacation. Oysters consumed, we made our way over to the Toy and Miniature Museum, marveling at tiny replicas of chairs and feeling nostalgic over toys. There was one display that contained a grouping of toys for certain years. I looked at this display and said “I had that toy from the 70s, most of those things from the 80s and that Beanie Baby from the 90s.” And since this made me feel old, I dragged Michael over to the Art Deco exhibit at the Nelson so we could look at things older than us.

When it was time for the balloon glow, we decided it would be better to ride the bus than it would be to deal with parking and I am really glad we did this. The event was filled to capacity. Luckily, Michael and I arrived early enough to not have to wait in line too long for food from a food truck, but we were meeting the Cabbage and that side of the family. They did not arrive early. I sat on our blankets as a place holder while Michael and the others scattered off to the food trucks. I waited for ever for someone to come back. I kept watching the fading light and then I’d look up at the spot where I really wanted to be to get good pictures. There were already some people camped out in that spot. Finally, I sent a text that basically read “I might not be here when you get back.” and I started climbing my up to a good vantage point.

I made it to that spot, but there were already three photographers set up there, two of them with tripods. I kind of stood back hesitantly like a wallflower. One of the women noticed me and said “Hey! You want to come over here? We can make space for you!” Then she slid some gear bags over so I could get in the space. I set my camera up on the stone wall and then proceeded to make myself as small as possible so I wouldn’t be in their way. This was unnecessary and a direct symptom of my own insecurities. Two of the women chatted with me about small talky subjects and camera preferences. Then when the show started, we all started clicking shutters and giggling. Trying to capture a balloon all lit up was like trying to capture lightning. It was like we were playing a photographer’s strange version of whack-a-mole. Eventually, I decided to leave that spot for something closer. I thanked all of them for sharing the space with me and they said they’d see me next year.

That was the best part of my day.

For a brief amount of time, I was pulled into a circle of photographers and I was treated like an equal. I got to hang out with the cool kids. I saw respect and understanding when I talked about the reasons for choosing my current camera, because I didn’t just sound like I knew what was talking about. I knew what I was talking about. The moment reminded me of all the times Chad and I went on photo walks together. In that moment, every irritation and annoyance disappeared. Tension and stress from things happening in my life melted away. In that moment, I allowed myself to stop pretending to be a photographer and just let myself be a photographer.

I stopped judging myself.

POSER

Cindy Maddera

Saturday, we had some free time before meeting our friend Shruti for lunch. So Michael suggested we pop into Brookside Gallery and Framing and talk to them about frames for some things that we purchased in New Orleans. We spoke with the owner, Sandra, about our needs and while she was working up a cost analysis for us, Michael was browsing around the shop. He noticed some postcard sized photography prints on rack and said “Hey, this is what you should do with some your pictures Cindy.” He looked at Sandra and said “She’s an amazing photographer.” I did not have a response to this, but Sandra enthusiastically told me she’d give me an artist discount on picture frames. Really, Sandra is great. She told it us it would be too expensive to do custom frames for the five 5x7 prints we bought in New Orleans and recommended we go to a craft place like Michael’s. Then she told me to bring in my prints and she would put them up for sale in her shop. I told Sandra that there was an odd shaped piece we’d purchased in New Orleans that I would definitely be bringing her for framing. I thanked her and then we left the shop.

And I threw up.

No…but I was dazed as we walked back to the scooters. I couldn’t wrap my brain around what had just happened. Then we met Shruti and after lunch the three of us went to the Brookside Art Fair. After passing by the third booth of photography, I said out loud “my work is total shit compared to this stuff.” Both Michael and Shruti disagreed, but I couldn’t help but think they were only protesting my statement to make me feel better. Michael and I left the art fair with a lovely whimsical painting of an octopus and I left with a crushed soul and “what am I even doing with my life” mental state. I’m a hack, a pretend hobbyist who got carried away and had business cards made up declaring myself to be a photographer. These people at the art fair, those are real artists. They are willing to spend the money required to display their photos to the public so that the people say “Ooooh” and “Ahhh”. Standing next to them, I am just a cheap, trailer trash substitute.

Then we got home and I had a comment on an Instagram post from Elizabeth saying that she’d love this picture for her wall. I made a mockup of a postcard using one of my Shuttlecock photos and when I showed it to Michael he yelled “WHY ISN’T THE NELSON SELLING THIS POSTCARD!” Then someone else left a comment on a photo on Facebook telling me that I take amazing photos and I don’t know who to believe. All of my followers are friends and family, people I’ve known for most of my life who were already fans. But what if they’re only saying all this to be polite? What if I am really like that person who goes to audition for American Idol who thinks they are an amazing singer, but really can’t carry a tune to save their lives, but you know..in photography form? What if I take my prints in for Sandra to sell and she takes one look at them and tells me the truth of what I have known all along, that I lack talent and my photos are crap?

Vulnerability. It is a pain in the ass.

I ordered a print for Elizabeth today. I will be submitting an order for postcards this week, as well as placing an order for special photography matting. I will have more prints made so that I don’t have to just use the ones from the art showing that never happened. Maybe I’m not a professional or one for big displays, but that doesn’t mean I lack talent. At least, that’s my mantra today.

CAMERA

Cindy Maddera

TepeeCurios1.jpg

It’s been a while since my Nikon last saw the light of day. I think sometime last fall, I dug it out and put the zoom lens on it. Then I hiked it, along with a tripod up to the Paseo Bridge for some moon pictures. I thought I’d want the Nikon for J’s boot pictures. Really, I didn’t know what I’d need. So I just packed all of my camera gear and when it came time to take J’s boot pictures, I ended up switching back and forth between my cell camera and the Nikon. At one point while I was using the cell camera, Michael looked over my shoulder and said “Holy crap! If that’s what you can do with your phone, then maybe you should consider selling your Nikon.” I replied with “I’ll think about it.”

There had been a moment earlier in the day when we were walking the rim trail at the Canyon Village. I was wearing my Duluth overall shorts and I had paired myself down to only carrying what I could put in pockets. Those overalls are a photographer’s dream because of all of the pockets, but I had Josephine to wrangle and I didn’t want to be weighed down. We were walking along and suddenly a hummingbird swooped down to drink from a thistle growing next to the path. I pulled my cell phone out from the center chest pocket, spun and crouched down in one fluid move to capture that hummingbird. When I stood up, I turned and there was a man standing slightly behind me with his own camera with a very expensive lens. He looked at me with wide eyes and said “that was amazing.” and he wasn’t talking about the hummingbird.

It is true that I can take some pretty great pictures with my cell phone camera. In fact more than half of the photos I printed for my art showing last year are pictures taken with my phone. It is the camera I have with me all the time and I have practiced and experimented with it enough to feel like I really know what I’m doing when I am using it. The resolution level is comparable (or even better) than my Nikon. I can quickly edit and post pictures. It does not require a strap and I do not have to change out lenses. It is the camera I have become most comfortable with, but I still hesitate to get rid of the Nikon for a number of reasons. One of those reasons is that it brings me a certain level of joy.

We stopped in Tucumcari, NM for our first night on the road and we made it there before sunset. After setting up the camper and scrounging up some dinner, I asked Michael to drive me to the main part of town that sits on the historic Route 66. I knew there would be some great neon signs and the sun was starting it’s descent, making the sky look spectacular. He would drive to a place, I’d tell him to stop and then I’d hop out of the truck with my Nikon in hand and take pictures. At each stop, I would feel a shift inside my body as I mindfully adjusted exposures and isos. I did not rush. I did not second guess myself or think about the hassle and inconvenience for those waiting for me in the truck. I just took pictures. When we made it to Tepee Curious, I took some pictures that I knew without even looking at the preview screen on the camera that they were going to be great pictures. When I came around the corner to climb back into the truck, I was clutching the Nikon and grinning.

So, I am not ready to give up my Nikon. It serves a purpose that goes beyond taking pictures.

MY CARDIGAN

Cindy Maddera

Every Saturday is generally spent running errands. It starts with me getting up early to do the bulk of our grocery shopping. Then Michael and I head out to find lunch and run around the city doing the rest of the errands like visiting the hardware store. The last stop is usually a fancy grocery store where we pick out something special for Saturday night dinner. Lately, by the time we reach the fancy grocery store, our patience and tolerance is running pretty thin. This Saturday had us on the side of town where masks are viewed as optional and by the time we left the fancy grocery store, I was prickly and ready to be home.

Once we were safe at home and everything was put away, I sat down on the couch with my book. I hadn’t even finished reading a paragraph before my eyes started to droop and I thought “I am going to go take a nap.” I am not a napper. Every time a nap is suggested, I turn into a three-year old. I might say that I’m going to lie down for a nap, but I only ever end up staying put for ten minutes. I will walk out of my room and Michael will look at me and say “I thought you were going to take a nap.” I always reply “I did.” Which is a lie. This time though, I took off the pants I had on and climbed into bed with my book and my dog. I was out in minutes. I don’t know how long I slept, but when I woke I had the groggy weighted feeling of waking from hibernation. I had to shake myself. Then I had to take my temperature just to make sure I wasn’t coming down with something because that nap had been so not like me.

Later, after I had finally shaken the last of the nap cobwebs away, I stood in the kitchen prepping vegetables for the evening meal. I sliced and seasoned potatoes to roast. Then I chopped a bunch of mustard greens. I looked at the time and then I walked out of the kitchen, leaving it all just sitting on the counter. I pulled my Nikon from my desk drawer and picked up my clunky tripod. Then I told Michael that I was walking up to the Paseo overpass to try to get some moon pictures. I walked to the overpass and set up the tripod, securing the camera in place and then I waited. I knew what time the moon was supposed to rise and I was well in the time frame, but I couldn’t see anything. There were trees and I was not up as high as I would have hoped. I’d pick up my tripod and walk down the sidewalk, pause and check the view from the lens. Then I would pick up the tripod and walk back to my original spot, pause and check the view from the lens. I did this for almost an hour. I must have looked ridiculous pacing up and down Paseo with an old school metal tripod. Finally I got a glimpse of something orange through the trees. I found the spot to set up for my shot, but I still had to wait for the moon to creep up over the trees. I danced back and forth impatiently until it did and then I started shooting. Finally, when I was satisfied, I sent a text to Michael. He told me that dinner was ready and I replied that I was headed back. I apologized when I walked in the door for taking so long. To which Michael shook his head “No. I’m glad you went.”

I’m glad I went too. It has been ages since I have used my Nikon. It has been ages since I have gone through the rituals of adjustments for taking pictures. The testing. The moment when you know you have everything right and all you need to do is press the button. I needed all of that just as much as I needed that nap.

LOOK HARDER

Cindy Maddera

The sun isn’t really up in the mornings when Josephine and I leave the house for our walk. It is not until we are almost back home, that there is a thin sliver of orange on the horizon. The darkness of the morning makes me uninspired to stop and take pictures. I am a devotee of Karen Walrond, who tells us to “look for the light” and so I am constantly looking in the direction of the sun. I never use the flash on my camera. I disdain the flash on a camera. Photos taken with a flash have a quality that does not appeal to me. Photos that I take with the flash are stark and feel like they are missing life, but this could also be because I never really learned how and when to use a flash. That might surprise some of you. I just set out from the beginning to use natural light mostly because I am lazy.

A number of famous photographers have used and use flash in their work, but the concept to use a flash or not to use the flash is a division line among photographers. Flash photography used for black and white photos can be striking and intense. I think it’s a great tool for bringing out the raw emotions of grief and anger. Flash photography has the ability to seem shockingly honest. The subject always appears to be caught, frozen in a moment. I know that all pictures are captured moments and tell stories. It’s just that flash photography tells a different kind of story. Possibly a darker, more sinister kind of story, but we like those kinds of stories sometimes. I realize how much I am limiting myself by not learning how and when to use my flash, particularly now that there is no sun during our morning walks.

I have yet to commit myself to sitting down for a traditional meditation each day, but I have found that my photography is its own form of meditation. It makes me more mindful of my surroundings as I scan for things interesting. It makes me present. Those morning walks have been a nice time for that practice. So I broke down this week and tried using the flash to take a picture. I picked out the best one for some minor editing and even the ‘best’ one made me cringe. I thought “I hate this.” but I posted it anyway. Then I opened the image up later on a bigger screen and thought “Wait…” Maybe I don’t hate that picture. I managed to make those black-eyed Susans less sunshiny and more Oregon fog. They have a haunted quality to them, but I think I like that. Then I started noticing things that I did not even see when I was editing and posting that photo. There’s a busy bumble bee in one of those flowers and a green beetle with black dots on its back hanging out on the petal of another flower. It is almost as if those two flew into the image later on after I posted it.

So I guess it is time for me to crack open some books and start playing around with the flash on my camera because sometimes magic happens when you use the flash. And sometimes, instead of looking for the light, you have to make the light. It’s time for me to make my own light.

NEW TRICKS

Cindy Maddera

11 Likes, 0 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "First attempt with a new toy."

My friend Sean Patrick posted a Polaroid Impulse on an online market place a little while back. I saw it and felt a spark. So I sent him a message asking him if the camera worked. He replied back that the he’d just send me the camera and if it worked, I could just send him some money. If it didn’t I’d just have a 70s era vintage Polaroid to put on display. I did not hesitate in my response. I replied back with “send me that camera!” and then I started looking up film sources. You see that part up there where I mention feeling a spark? I saw that camera and thought about all the artsy photography crap I could do with it and felt inspired. That was all before I saw how much film was going to cost.

Fun fact: The vintage Polaroids like the Impulse do not have batteries. The battery is built into a package of film. That’s partly why the film for this camera is so expensive. The other part is just because ….film. This is a digital world (and I’m a digital girl). Film is just pricey.

Then I got real nervous. Michael said something about how I better be sure to know what I’m photographing, which didn’t make me feel any better. I ordered the wrong film (film for the new Polaroids DO NOT work with the old ones). I was already making mistakes and sabotaging myself and that was before I even loaded the correct film and took a picture. I was suddenly paralyzed with fear of taking a terrible picture and wasting film. This was a really stupid purchase and I can’t be an artsy photographer. I stewed over this for a few days. Saturday morning, we went to watch the Cabbage play soccer. After her game, we were all trying to figure out what other sports she could try. Every thing we suggested, softball, basketball, swimming, the Cabbage would shrug her shoulders and say something about how she wouldn’t be able to hit the ball, shoot the ball and she’s not a great swimmer. She didn’t want to do it if she wasn’t already good at it. She didn’t even want to try it.

That evening as I sipped on my gin and tonic, I thought about not doing something unless I was already good at it. I bought a scooter with the assumption that I would just know how to ride. I did not, as it turned out, know how to ride a scooter. I came close to running into three different parked cars before I parked my scooter into the garage, marched into the house and flopped down on our bed in tears. Chris came in and sat down next to me and placed his hand on my knee. I told him that I think I just made a terrible mistake. He told me to wait until I had a proper helmet and could practice. I got a helmet and I practiced. I practiced, practiced, practiced. I passed the test for my motorcycle license on the first try. My scooter is way more expensive than the film I purchased for that camera. The consequences of failure on the scooter is a lot more costly than taking a bad picture.

I got up and positioned my gin tea cup and saucer on the kitchen table and I grabbed the Polaroid. And… I took a not so great picture. It’s blurry and weird, but kind of creepy in a way that I like. I learned something about this camera that I didn’t expect. I’ve never shot a gun, but I have heard people talk about recoil. This camera has a recoil that I wasn’t prepared for. That’s part of the reason the image turned out blurry. The other reason is the manual focus. The subject needs to be at least four to ten feet away, which goes against my usuall method of getting up close and personal. Distance. I need distance. This camera is going to teach me that.

This camera is going to teach me a lot things.

FOR THE ART

Cindy Maddera

4 Likes, 0 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Rain drops on tulips"

I stepped out the front door this morning to head to work and noticed that the tulips I had planted were looking particularly lovely all covered in raindrops. I set my yoga mat and my lunch bag down on the porch and swung my backpack around to fish out my phone. Then I walked around to be in front of the house and I started taking pictures. I was in full on photoshoot mode when I noticed that someone’s car alarm was going off. Then I realized that the annoying alarm sound was not a car alarm. It was my house. I had set the house alarm as I was leaving but then I never actually shut the front door. I hadn’t even attempted to shut that door. It was just standing there, wide open. I jumped up and ran inside the house and disarmed the system before someone could call me or the cops or both.

You have a minute after setting the alarm to get out of the house and shut the door. This is usually not a problem for me. In fact, there have been times when I have shut the door and realized I had forgotten something. I have unlocked the door, gotten back inside, grabbed forgotten thing and gotten back out again before my minute was up. This morning, I didn’t even think about it. I just dropped everything and went into photography mode. I guess it was a good thing I wasn’t also carrying a baby or a Faberge egg. I let myself become distracted. The key word is ‘let’. We hear so much about how the average person is always distracted, mostly by their phone. There’s checking emails, catching up on Facebook, reading the latest tweet and scrolling through Instagram. Rinse and repeat to see if anyone’s noticed your post or added something new. One minute, you’re writing up some report for work and then next minute you’re watching kitten videos. These distractions not only keep us from doing the things we are supposed to be doing, but also from the things we are meant to be doing.

Here is what I hear when I think about this story: I was distracted by the beauty of tulips and I had to photograph them. The reality is I was distracted from the beauty of these tulips by the alarm ringing away inside my house. The process of making sure the front door was closed was the distraction that pulled me away from the thing I was meant to be doing. Rewiring the brain to think this way is hard. There are times when I am pausing to take a picture or editing a photo when I have to pull my focus away from someone who demands attention. I try to be polite about it and try to be sneaky while I am doing those things so that it looks like I’m working at paying attention to the person who is talking at me (because usually that’s how it goes). So often I feel bad about this and the result is that I end up not taking the picture I wanted or editing the photo the way I wanted. This is so stupid because this photography thing (and this is really not easy for me to admit) is who I am. Taking photos and all the stuff that goes along with this art is the thing I meant to be doing.

Everything else is the distraction.

CRASHING TO AN END

Cindy Maddera

7 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Camouflaged snail"

I realize that it is not even December. I mean, it will be December by the end of this week, but right now it is still November. We have a whole month left in this year and I shouldn’t be rushing ahead. Except my brain is totally rushing ahead and I keep thinking about what I want to accomplish next year. I had only one thing that I wanted for this year and that was to complete a project. Any project. I’m thirty something days away from completing my 365 Day photo project that I have been posting daily on Flickr. I am going to complete a project this year. Also, I’ve been saying for years how I need to clean out the basement and pair down. I’ve just stopped putting this down as a resolution because every year I fail miserably at this. I might get one corner cleaned out only to fill it up with crap again. Sure, it took a major basement flood to get this goal accomplished, but by golly, that basement is clean and we have way less stuff.

These accomplishments have inspired me to start thinking about doing stuff. I’m not quite sure what stuff I want to do, but I want to do some stuff.

I think that on the top of my list of things to do next year is to expand my photography skills and build up a portfolio. Maybe even take a class or two. Someone in the office said to me in regards to our California trip that I must have taken a lot of pictures. Really, after sitting down to upload and edit, I did not end up taking very many pictures. I had even debated before the trip whether I should even bother bringing my Nikon with me. In the end, I decided to pack it and then I did make an effort to use it. That first morning at the cabin, I was awake before everyone. I snuck out of the cabin with my camera and went for a walk. The sun was just coming up and the air was crisp. I thought I might try to make my way to Tamales Bay, but it was further away than it looked. I walked the winding road far enough to reach a place where I could at least see the bay and was rewarded with light from the sun peaking up over the hills and filtering through the clouds.

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Later on, we all hiked out to Kehoe Beach. I took some pictures there that I am really happy with and that evening I captured a picture of the moon that I’m pretty proud of. The camera stayed in my bag for the rest of the trip because it ended up raining on us for most of Friday. We spent the day in the cabin, playing games and telling stories. I knew that I wanted to stop on the north side of the Golden Gate Bridge on our way back to the airport. So I just let the photography slide to the way side in order to just be present in the moment. When Michael pulled our car off the highway and up to a parking space that overlooked the bridge, there was already a line of photographers set up at the look out. Serious photographers. They all had big fancy lenses and tripods. I got out of the car with my dinky Nikon and thought “what the Hell am I doing?” I was a joke. I closed my eyes and took a breath. When I opened them, I looked out at the Golden Gate Bridge, fog rolling in and the sunlight filtering down. We were high enough to be above the fog and the sunlight filtering through that fog made the water sparkle. It was blindingly beautiful.

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And I captured it all on my dinky little Nikon.

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I want more of this for 2019. I want to feel less intimidated and I want to feel more confident in my own abilities to capture beautiful moments. I want to accept that part of me that is an artist.

RECOGNITION

Cindy Maddera

14 Likes, 4 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Groot?"

The other night, I was sitting on the couch reading when I heard a clackity clack sound coming from the kitchen. It was one of those rare evenings when I had the house to myself. In an effort to soak up every last drop of the last days of their summer, Michael had taken the Cabbage to Ocean's of Fun with plans on closing the joint. So it was just me and dog and sometimes the cat and now this clackity clack sound. Side note: I recently read a book about a family living in a sort of dooms day shelter. The youngest boy had been born in the shelter and had no idea what the above world was like. His boogy man was called the cricket man, part man with a cricket body. The cricket man would come and take bad children who were not in their beds when they were supposed to be. If I had not finished the book and discovered the reality of the cricket man, the clackity clack in the kitchen would have freaked me the f out. 

The sound was from a very large leaf hopper who had somehow managed to wind up in our kitchen. I finagled a canning jar out of a cabinet and trapped him inside the jar so I could set him free outside. Once he was free from the jar, he flew up and away. I watched him, fascinated by the shape of him and the way he moved in a mechanical way. It is not often I have come across a leaf hopper of that size. He was at least the length of the palm of my hand and brilliant green. His body was a perfect mimic of a leaf. I never stopped to grab my camera and take any pictures of him. It was only later when I thought "huh...maybe I should have taken some pictures." I shrugged the thought off because I still have a bad taste in my mouth from editing the pictures I took while we were in Oregon. 

I took some really crappy pictures with my Nikon while we were in Oregon. I'm talking really bad pictures. F-stop and aperture mistakes galore. Everything is either too bright or too dark. Focal points are weird because I relied on the autofocus. They're all just really shitty. I look at them and say to myself "Cindy, who the heck do you think you're trying to be? You think you can take pictures? That's hilarious." I know why my pictures turned out terrible. Frankly, it was because of drugs, but that's not a story for here. Even though I know why the pictures are bad, I still have not been all that inspired to pick up my camera or consider artistic endeavors. It is kind of like falling off my bike and instead of my usual 'get right back on' attitude, I am hesitant to go for another bike ride. For some time now, Micheal has been urging me to do some sort of art showing in a restaurant or coffee house. He talks about it a lot, enough for me to maybe consider actually doing it. I've gone as far as changing this website and adding a gallery of a few photos. That's about it.

Honestly the whole idea of it really makes me want to vomit. Posting my images here and on Instagram are way different from hanging actual prints in a public space for strangers to look at judge with their judgy eyes. I have never ever considered the possibility of doing an art showing mostly because I still struggle with this concept that I might be some kind of artist. I don't see that I am doing anything that someone else couldn't do with a camera. There's a lot of vulnerability there and a lot of questioning of how thick is my skin. There is a lot of changes in my mindset and my views on who I am, that I am more than I think of myself. The other day when we were at IKEA, I saw a photo enlarged to poster size, framed in a simple frame and I thought "wouldn't that one picture I took look nice displayed like that?" So while I'm walking around queasy over the idea of actually doing an art showing, I am at least thinking of what photos to use and how to display them. 

The next steps are crooked, wonky ones because I have no idea how to go about finding a venue or marketing myself. I'm sure I need some sort of business card and a portfolio that is not on my phone. The most difficult step of all will be believing enough in my work to expect a business to want to display it for me. We'll see. Maybe by January you all will receive an invitation to an art opening. 

CAMERAS

Cindy Maddera

5 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Bud"

We are getting ready for a family vacation that will start at Alabaster Caverns in Oklahoma. Then we will make our way to Clayton, New Mexico for a couple of nights, followed up with three nights in the Gunnison area of Colorado. Then we will make our way home through Dodge City. When we first talked about this trip, I was thinking of my childhood summers in Colorado and running around campgrounds with other kids. We were a wild pack of animals, climbing up sides of mountains and throwing rocks into streams and rivers. I was always dirty and pink from too much sun. I think the Cabbage will have those experiences in Oklahoma and New Mexico. It's when we get to Colorado that I am a little worried. We will be staying in a primitive campsite without electricity. No wifi. No YouTube videos. Maybe no other kids. She's going to have to entertain herself, something she's not used to doing around us. 

I thought maybe giving the Cabbage a camera for our trip might keep her a little bit occupied. Or help. Or I have no idea. I dug up my old Sony point-n-shoot and plugged the battery into a charger. It still had an SD card in it even though it has been years and years since I've used it. I had no idea what was even on that SD card. So I popped it into my card reader and had a look. The card is full of pictures from my very first trip to New York. I have a whole series of images with Hamburger Helper hanging out in New York and they are on this SD card. I was pretty excited about this because I thought those original images were lost. I tend to upload smaller version of original data. Those smaller versions do not print well and I've always thought the Hamburger Helper series would make great art for a kitchen. The Bagel Boyfriend picture is also on this card and it dawned on me that this was the camera that started it all. 

This tiny little, weigh nothing, eight mega pixel camera was the camera that made me want to start taking better pictures. Chris bought it for me after he'd spent days and days researching cameras. He eventually bought the same camera for himself. I still have it. It is sitting on my dresser, untouched because I do not want to go through the pictures on his SD card. The first year we (Chris, Amy, Brian, a couple we don't talk to anymore because they got cut from the team) all did the 365 day photo project, this was the camera I used. I must have upgraded cameras soon after that New York trip, but I don't remember doing so. I did notice a shift in the quality of images on the SD card. You can see the point where I start paying more attention to light and how to frame things in a shot. Suddenly I started looking at things around me from different angles. I started paying attention. Looking at that camera now, I get a little nostalgic. If I were a painter, this camera would be the equivalent of the first paintbrush I used to create my first decent piece of art. I, by no means, consider myself to be a great photographer now, but I do recognize that I am a better photographer. This practice and art has become my meditation. It has made me more mindful and my camera has become as important to me as my yoga mat.

I have no idea what to expect from the Cabbage, how she'll take to being handed a camera or if she will even use it. I hope that it sparks something in her. I want to look at the pictures she takes to see what she finds interesting, to see her perspective on this world. It would be nice to believe that I am passing some kind of torch on to a new generation. 

 

DOING ALL OF THE THINGS

Cindy Maddera

8 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "We toured Elmwood Cemetery on Sunday. This is one of the pics taken with my Nikon."

Robin and Summer were in town over the weekend. They actually came into town Thursday evening. So I took Friday off to run around town with the two of them. We were moving around slowely Friday morning and I opened my email to discover that Margaret and Philip were also in town. They wanted to know if I could meet them for lunch. I told them we'd all meet them for lunch! It was one of those nice surprises where the Universe aligns the planets in a unique way and we were all together again. For those of you who don't know, I worked for Margaret. Robin worked for Philip. Our labs were right next to each other and there was lots of collaborating and scientific shenanigans. These people are my scientific family. We all squeezed into my car and I drove us to the Nelson. We ate lunch in the cafe, which is in a very loud courtyard and we ended up yelling our conversation to each other. Afterward, we all tooled around the museum. Then I got Margaret and Philip tickets to the Picasso exhibit and we parted ways. It was nice.

I then showed Robin and Summer my favorite things at the Nelson. They still have the Dorothea Lange photography exhibit up, which is my most favorite exhibit. It's a display of her (and few other photographers) photographs taken during the Great Depression, when she was a photojournalist for the Farm Security Administration. Her images and the notes she took for each one not only gives us a history of that time, but tells the stories of people displaced by a dust bowl and job loss. Deep personal stories. You can see the stress and hardships etched into the lines of all the faces, even the children. I am fascinated by her images as much as I am fascinated that we had a government who hired photographers to document our history. There was a time we intentionally hired artists to tell our stories. The images she captured of that time are equally beautiful and sorrowful. You can feel the grit of the dirt blowing in the air. Dorothea Lange is the kind of photographer that inspires me. She was the first woman to be awarded a Guggenheim fellowship. 

After dragging the girls around the Nelson, we spent the rest of our time together eating and drinking and talking and laughing. Michael and I introduced them to IKEA. We ate famous Kansas City BBQ. It was a much needed visit and I am so happy they came up to see us. I spent the Sunday after they left, moping around a cemetery with the boys. One of our friends, Tom, is involved with the historic society in some way. He took us all on a tour of two historic cemeteries in Kansas City. The first one we went to was Elmwood Cemetery, which is on the list of National Registry of Historic Places. It was designed by George Kessler, the same architect behind many of our parks and boulevards. Many of Kansas City's founders are buried in this cemetery and it is filled with beautiful headstones and mausoleums. We traipsed around the cemetery while Tom pointed out note worthy graves and told us the history around this person and that. I learned that guys who founded Cheeze-its and Post-it notes are from Kansas City and are buried in this cemetery. 

I took my fancy pants camera with me for the tour partly out of being inspired by the  Dorothea Lange exhibit, but also in hopes of just spending some time with that camera. I didn't really expect much out of the shots I was taking mostly because the day was gray and overcast. I assumed that I would end up turning everything into black and white images. At one point, while switching back and forth between the fancy pants camera and my phone camera, Wilson (I know a guy named Wilson...he's fabulous) asked me what the difference was in using my Nikon vs the phone camera. I looked at him and said "Honestly? Not much." Both cameras have about the same megapixals sensors. Both cameras take similar photos when using automatic settings. The Nikon takes better quality images under ideal lighting situations. I prefer the phone camera for low light situations when I don't want to use a flash. The Nikon takes time. I tend to be more mindful of how I look at my surroundings when I look through the view finder on the Nikon. The pictures from this camera have to be transferred to my computer before I can upload them. The phone is like an Instamatic, meaning your pictures go straight to the internet. 

I did not explain any of this to Wilson when I answered his question. I think I said something about like "it just depends on how I'm feeling as to which camera I'm going to use." That's kind of true. If I'm feeling lazy, I reach for the phone camera because my phone is always on me, but after really thinking about his question, I knew that the answer was more complex. I like using my fancy pants Nikon when I actually get it out and use it because it makes me feel like I'm doing something special. Even if I just end up take a bunch of crap pictures. I've been thinking a lot about photography projects for the next year and how I would like to find a way to sell some prints. I'd like to do another 365 day project that focuses on my body, in hopes that will help me see a better version of myself that I am having a hard time seeing these days. I have also gotten lazy with lighting. I end up doing a lot of editing and filtering that I shouldn't have to do. I tweak here and there is one thing, but I've been doing more than the usual tweak. I've had several people ask me for camera advice lately and I'd like to be a bit more knowledgable in my answers.

Really, my biggest plan for the new year includes more actual doing rather than wanting to do. Yes, I realize that some might think it's to early to be talking about New Year plans. I think it's too early to put up Christmas decorations, so we're even.  

PICTURE PAGES

Cindy Maddera

5 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Found print"

I started a project early this year that involved organizing my pictures into some kind of an album with notecards and descriptions. I did four pages and the set all of it in the roller cabinet under the TV. It's been sitting there ever since. Meanwhile, the pile of pictures that need to be organized just keeps growing. Sunday morning, I got up and went through my usual Sunday morning routine: breakfast, CBS Sunday Morning, laundry. Whenever I would settle into the couch with a mug a of coffee, I'd end up with animals laying on me. Not such a bad thing, but they made it difficult to want to move. It was raining and dreary outside and it was just easier to turn the couch into a raft and play a movie. So that's what I did, but I also pulled out the photo project and worked on it some while I watched the movie. 

I started with a stack of pictures I had found while cleaning out the attic of my childhood home. They had been in the bottom of a box lid that was inverted and holding old bits of notes and mostly trash. I started to just toss the whole lid into my garbage bag when I paused and decided to flip through the debris. I was surprised to find these particular pictures in with a pile of trash. There was an old picture of my Grandmother, Nellie with her sister and one of Pepaw in his Navy uniform. There were several old square black and white prints of my brother when he was a child and three photos from his wedding with Katrina. There was one of all of us sitting around the dining room table. My Dad's parents, Mom, Janell, Randy and Katrina. This was before J and it looked like Thanksgiving. I recognized the Pyrex dish of sweet potato pie and the tan Tupperware pitcher that I am sure was filled with sweet tea. The table was blanketed with the red calico tablecloth that always adorned that table. It is present in the picture of me blowing out candles on my third birthday cake, another picture from the stack of salvaged pictures.

Then I came across a picture of no people. There's nothing written on the back to hint at where or when the photo was taken. I took a photo of it for Instagram and my mother later commented on it saying that it looked like the lake Pontchairtrain Bridge. When she said it, I knew that she was right. I figured that someone had taken it the year we traveled to New Orleans for Randy's senior trip. I have no memories of that first trip to New Orleans. I was way too small to form lasting impressions. Not like Disney Land. I was small then too, but I still have hazy images in my head of the Dumbo ride and our odd encounter with Donald Duck. I only have memories of stories told to me of that family vacation. My mother tells a story of how she made me a harness with a leash so she could keep track of me. She said that some old man yelled at her and gave her grief about putting her baby on a leash. He followed her the length of the French Quarter Market before she turned around and yelled back at him to leave her alone. 

That's the only story I know from that trip. I remember coming across a picture of the my brother, sister and I posing next to a cannon. My brother is sitting in the photo, his long legs made longer by the bell bottom jeans he's wearing, and he has his arm wrapped around my middle. It is obvious he has been put in charge of holding the toddler still for the picture. I know this picture was taken in New Orleans only because at the time of finding the picture, my mother looked over my shoulder at it and said so. Yet the picture tells more of a story than that. I suppose that is why I am drawn to photographs. Each one tells more of a story than just "we were in New Orleans" or "that was the time we visited your great Aunt in California."

I suppose that is why I feel such a need to get my photographs and stories in order. 

 

THINGS I DO WHEN I'M NOT HERE

Cindy Maddera

I have been making a real effort lately to get my Nikon out of my bag and just shoot. There's a sticky note up on my desk at work that says "shoot with a mindful eye". I wrote it down when I was taking an online class on black and white street photography. It is not that I haven't heard this tidbit of wisdom. It was just that in the moment of hearing, I realized that I needed to be reminded to shoot with a mindful eye. My photo editing tool is the one provided in iPhotos on my MacBook. Sure, I could splurge on some serious photo editing programs, get PhotoShop subscription, but I'm cheap and stubborn. I still cling to the idea of taking a good picture to start with. The camera on my phone makes it easier to take a decent picture and then filter it into something spectacular. Too easy. I have become a little bit lazy. 

So, I've been working on taking a good picture with my Nikon. I don't work on this craft every day and when I do, I feel like I don't work on it for very long. I've sort of approached it all as one would do when they first start exercising after a long recovery from a serious surgery. It is the getting the pictures from the SD card to the computer that has become the most tedious part of it all. As I wrote that sentence I immediately thought about all the times I used a film camera as a kid and how half the time I just wouldn't bother to have a roll of film developed because of the cost and the time. I had to have an adult drive me all the way to the closest Walmart with a photo center. Cut to the year 2017 and I'm complaining about manually inserting a  small disk into the side of my computer and transferring only the pictures that I want to keep to my computer. Free of charge. Of course it still costs money to print the pictures. The difference now is that I'm only printing out good pictures as opposed to twenty four partially overexposed pictures with my finger in the bottom left corner. 

I am not always shooting with a mindful eye in these moments as much as I am just shooting, taking pictures just for the sake of taking pictures. I do take a breath of a minute to be mindful of light or lack of light, but mostly I'm just taking pictures in hopes that I capture something interesting. I am looking at every day mundane things in hopes of seeing something unique and interesting in those things seen through the lens. 

This is what I am trying to do when I'm not here. 

TEACHING AN OLD DOG

Cindy Maddera

See this Instagram photo by @elephant_soap * 3 likes

Just before Christmas, I found out that our local family owned photography store is closing shop for good. Crick's has been around for seventy years. The owners thought about selling it, but couldn't find anyone qualified to run the full service photography shop. I'm real sad about this because Crick's was such a great place to go, not just to shop for all things photography, but because the people working there were always so helpful. I learned so much every time I walked in through their doors. When I found out they were closing, I went in to look at some lenses. The woman working the counter pulled several lenses for me to try on my camera and she talked about the pros and cons of each one. I kind of fell in love with a macro lens that costs about $700. I did not buy that lens. 

I walked away from Crick's with nothing but things to think about. I had to weigh practical versus not so practical. My job is to image things at the microscopic level. Of course I would gravitate to macro lenses. I like to get up close with tiny things, but maybe I should broaden my horizons some and step outside the box. Anyway...I had some things to think about before I chose what lens I was going to buy next and what I finally decided was that I don't need to buy another lens. At least not right now. Did you guys know that I was doing a 365 day selfie project in 2016? Well, I was and I started out with using the Nikon to take my pictures every day. Then I started traveling and I couldn't upload a picture because I was either short on time or there was no internet. I switched to my phone and then when I got to San Francisco, I said "fuck it" and stopped the project all together. It's the first time I've not finished the 365 Day Photo Project.

The truth is, I don't use my fancy Nikon as often as I should/want to/need to in order to justify the purchase of any lens, let alone one that costs $700. It doesn't help that I have entered 2017 unmotivated and uninspired by my view. The clouds have started to circle overhead and Michael has started to do his tip-toe dance around me because this is the time of year that is the most difficult. It's the time of year where I'd rather be curled up in a ball under the covers or staring with glazed over eyes at the TV while shoveling copious amount of hot Brie into my mouth. If I were to look through the view finder of my camera right now, I wouldn't see anything worth pressing the shutter button for because you're supposed to look for the light and I don't even see that right now outside my window. 

Something I've done to help me stay off the couch and away from the hot Brie is to sign up for Skillshare. The first month is free, so I thought I'd give it a go. If I like it and watch some learning videos, I might go ahead and get a subscription. Right now, I've added about twenty different classes on various aspects of photography to my list. My goal is to watch at least two classes a week, depending on the length of the class. If I'm consistent, I'll keep my Skillshare account. If I'm consistent, I might not keep my Skillshare account. Amy told me that our local library probably offers online classes similar to the ones posted here. This was news that I feel the library systems need to advertise more. Or at least talk about in a tone a voice that I won't ignore. 

If this plan doesn't pan out, there's always the adult tap dancing class I've had my eye on. Tappa tappa tappa.  

 

I DREAM OF THINGS I SHOULD DO

Cindy Maddera

The other night, I had a dream where I was playing around with shutter speeds on my camera. This is funny because I haven't gotten my Nikon out since that snowy Easter morning. You're like "that's not funny, Cindy." I don't really mean funny haha as much as I mean funny peculiar. If I had a band I'd name us The Funny Peculiars. Well...dream...shutter speeds...blah blah blah. Look, I'm going to tell you straight up that my days are pressed for time right now. I don't carry my Nikon with me every day because my backpack (yes, I carry backpack and yes, I know how old I am and yes I am wearing yoga pants) is already full with my computer and my iPad and my lunch. It is a heavy bag without the addition of the fancy pants camera. It is also added weight for something I'm most likely not going to take out of the bag to use. Sad but true.

The truth is, I've been too busy to be inspired. In those moments between being too busy, I've been to lazy to push for inspiration. Hey Chad, remember that time we got up before everyone else in the house and walked around the neighborhood taking pictures? It was cold and there was frost on the ground and all my pictures turned out too bright and technicolor looking. It's a moment in time I think about whenever I feel a little uninspired. Those pictures are in an album titled "Walkabout" in Flickr. I need to take more walkabouts even if my pictures turn out too bright. I need to wedge out some time in between journal writing and grocery shopping or maybe hold off watching CBS Sunday morning on Sundays. While I'm figuring that out, here's what I've been doing in the meantime. 

A fellow photographer I know through social media posted something recently about voting for one of his pictures to be selected for decoration in a hotel. His name is Rhys Martin and you should go vote for his picture here because he's really good and a cool person. Of course, I went and voted but then a lightbulb went on over my head as I thought "photo contests!" I could actually enter my pictures into photo contests. So I did a search on photography contests and came across ViewBug. It has various membership options ranging from free to paid. If you pay, you can upload unlimited pictures and enter whatever contest they are hosting. Free gets you ten uploads a week and limited contest entries. I'm just fine with free because I'm still testing this place out and trying to get a feel for how it all works. I have followers and I have many uploaded pictures that have garnished several peer awards. I don't know if I've won any of the contests yet because many of them are still in the voting process. I did win a photography course from Craftsy for something. I think maybe something to do with one of the peer awards. 

I'm still on the fence about ViewBug in general. A lot of the most popular photos on there look like they have been really edited and altered in Photoshop. There's nothing wrong with that. I'm all for editing. These photos though go beyond minor editing. This is not my skill set, nor do I have the software to do that. My philosophy is to try take a good picture without taking a picture that I have to make good later. So I try to follow like minded photographers. I do like that ViewBug feels more professional and less social. I'm not creeped out by any of my followers, unlike Flickr where I always have that one guy leaving comments like "Hey Cindy, this is a nice photo. I would sure enjoy more photos of you wearing a red bandana." Because girls in red bandanas are his fetish. I also really like that I've already won a prize. So it's not a thousand dollars or new lightweight tripod, but it is something that I could use. I chose a class on getting to know your lenses and so far I'm learning quite a bit.

I'm hoping ViewBug will give me that inspiration push I need right now. Maybe I'll stop dreaming about playing around with shutter speeds and actually play around with shutter speeds. 

PRINTS

Cindy Maddera

"New prints"

Back in the days before digital, we printed out our pictures, kids. We had to! It was the only way to see them. You put this little roll like thing called "film" into a camera and each roll of film let you take like 24 shots or something like that and you never new how your pictures where going to turn out until you got them back from the photo lab at the local Walmart. As a result, my mother's house was full of boxes and boxes of pictures of total crap images. Pictures of thumbs. Unrecognizable landscapes. Blurry. Half a picture bleached out. We had boxes full of these kinds of pictures, but that was just how it was. There was no editing or choosing before print. Also, film and printing didn't seem all that cheap at the time. Getting a roll of film developed was a bit of a luxury. 

As a kid, I was well aware of the cost and hassle of printing a roll of film. Being aware of all of that made me really choosy about taking a picture. So choosy that I often wouldn't even take a picture. My mom would send me to camp with a camera and couple of rolls of film and I'd come home with twelve shots left on the original roll of film. During all the 4-H years, they liked you to include pictures in your record books. Every time I went somewhere or did something 4-H, mom would once again send me with the camera and several rolls of film. Still I'd come home with empty rolls of film. My mother would beg me to take pictures. Yes. There was a time when I had to be forced to pick up a camera and use it. That all changed for me with digital technology, where you can take as many first pancake pictures as you want or need to get the one right picture. Now, the only reason I have a cell phone is for the camera.

Digital is an anti-hoarder's wet dream. It means I can have tons of pictures piled into multiple places without having the tangible pictures piling up in boxes that I have to store in the basement. The basement is where all things go to die a slow agonizing spiderweb laced death. At the same time though, it's kind of sad. A couple of years ago I vowed to start printing out a few of my pictures every month or so. I hung a bed frame on my wall and clipped a bunch of clips to it to hold pictures. This has worked out well. I admit that I don't print pictures every month, but at least every season, I put a new batch of photos up on the wall. Actually, this year has been a pretty good year for printing out my own photos. Michael's been the one to push for larger prints to put in real picture frames to hang on the wall and it's been a difficult thing for me to do. That's another story though about probably earning more trophies than actually received as a child.

Any way. Printing Photos! Usually, I print my Instagram photos through Walgreens. They keep the square shape and integrity of the original photo. I also like the way the square pictures look on the bed frame. Lately, I've been using VSCO to post my #365 pictures. I just like having one uniform spot for them and I use the same filter for each photo. It's a nice artistic space without the likes and faves and number of views. It's a space for me, not for people to notice me. The other day VSCO sent me a coupon to try out Artifact Uprising. I got 25 prints for free (excluding shipping) and they showed up at the house yesterday. I could not be more pleased. The photos are printed on this thick paper with a pretty white boarder and a textured matte finish. They just feel really good to hold between your fingers. They really are just lovely. You get twenty five 5 x5" prints for $21.99. That's about $0.89 per picture which is double the price for 4 x4" prints from Walgreens. Since I'm only printing up pictures about four times a year, I think I can treat myself with the prints from AU. At least that's how I'm going to justify that purchase.

Because I really do love them and no one is paying me to say that.  

SPEAKING OF NOT BEING A PHOTOGRAPHER

Cindy Maddera

A few weeks ago, when the leaves were at the brightest of Fall foliage, Michael said "Hey! I should take you to this park I know where the trees will make you fall (ha!) over with wow!" He didn't really say that, but it was something like that. It just so happened that was also a Cabbage weekend. So parks are always a good idea, but I also used this as an opportunity to resurrect my old Nikon. I've been slowly trying to get back to using this camera. I thought buying a new fancy purse to carry it in would help, but I find that I'm just lugging around an extra heavy bag. I really heavily on my iPhone as my every day camera. There's nothing wrong with that. The phone takes great images and fits in my pocket (or bra strap) but it also makes me a little lazy because I don't pay attention to the technical side of taking a photograph. I thought this trip to the park would be the perfect time to get out the Nikon and take some pictures. And every single picture I took that day was total crap. Even after editing. I couldn't even edit these pictures into something decent. I felt pretty stupid and really disappointed. I have this fancy pants camera that could use a new lens, but I can't justify any upgrades for it because I don't use it or really know what I'm doing when I'm using it. I got mad at myself. Real mad.

When Chris and I bought our scooters, we didn't test drive them. We just bought them and had them delivered. The guy who delivered them handed over the keys and gave us a few instructions. Chris jumped on his scooter and took off. I jumped on my scooter and almost crashed into a car. I couldn't turn and that initial jolt of speed and not being in control scared the beejezus out of me. Less then ten minutes after delivery, the scooter was parked in the garage and I was sitting on the bed crying because I thought I'd made a terrible mistake. I had just spent a lot of money on something I couldn't use. This vision I had of myself being a Scooter Girl was an illusion. A joke. I was a fake, a failure, a fraidy cat and with those thoughts swirling around, I got up and got back on that scooter. I read the manual and the motorcycle driving test book. I did a countless number of figure eights in the school parking lot down the street. I passed my motorcycle test with flying colors. I made my vision a reality.

After my attempt to edit those awful pictures, I picked up the manual for that camera and read the whole thing. Then, I read Karen Walrond's book, Beginning FocusI took all this information along with me on our weekend getaway to Hermann and made the Nikon my main camera. In fact, whenever I started to use my phone, Michael would ask "where's your other camera?" and sometimes I would roll my eyes while pulling the camera free from my bag. I didn't take the most amazing pictures that weekend, but I did a good job of taking better pictures that weekend. I do not see myself as one day becoming a professional photographer, but I do see myself as one day becoming a good photographer. I'm working on making that vision a reality.