Sometime this summer, a memory popped up in Facebook. It was a picture of me excitedly holding my ticket for BlogHer, an annual conference for women who blog. It turned out that this is the ten year anniversary of that first conference I attended, as well as my first visit to New York City. I was buzzing with excitement to see Talaura and have her show me around this city that I had only ever experienced through a Hollywood lens. I was ecstatic to be going to a conference that would put me in the same room as so many amazing women. My favorite bloggers were all going to be there and I was going to meet them! I was going to be in the same room with these women who inspired me to be creative with their own words, who taught me the power of telling stories through pictures.

One of those women is Karen Walrond of Chookooloonk. Karen’s blog has always been a place for inspiration. She was my first teacher of photography and to this day I still use “look for the light” as my mantra while imaging. Her words combined with her images tell stories of kindness, joy, truth, and beauty. Reading this blog has made me want to be a better version of myself and I am so glad that she still keeps up with it, while so many of us have fallen off the blogging wheel. When Karen put out a call for people to help promote her new book, The Lightmaker’s Manifesto: How to Work for Change Without Losing Your Joy, I raised my hand high up in the air and whispered “pick me! pick me!”. Then I got an email saying that I was now part of The Lightmaker Launch Team and a link to the Facebook group page. Karen wanted everyone on the team to take a moment to post a brief “about you” along with a photo and I jerked my hand out of the air and shrunk in my seat whispering “I don’t really know the answer, don’t pick me.”

One question Karen asked of all of us Lightmakers was “how would we change the world?” and my brain turned into a desert of nothingness. I mean, I think I had causes that I used to be passionate about. I really feel like I used to do stuff. There are past blog entries in this space about the AIDS Walk and buying school supplies for underprivileged children. I have written here about science and making fully informed decisions as opposed to relying on some ridiculous meme as a news source. All of that feels like a lifetime ago. I have lost my zest for activism or for at least talking about it. I still send a weekly email to Gov. Parson’s and Eric Schmitt demanding they free Kevin Strickland and Lamar Johnson. I have an automatic monthly donation set up for Planned Parenthood. I quietly give money when a disaster hits and while I was still doing my Zoom classes, all proceeds went to a charity of some sorts. But really, I feel useless, deflated and tired every time I read the news and see what a dumpster fire just this country alone has become, let alone the rest of the world. The desire to help and fix it all is overwhelming and paralyzing.

I’ve lost my joy.

So, I think that maybe Karen’s new book is coming to me exactly at the moment when I need it the most. I look forward to reading this book and gaining some of my joy back. If you’re interested in reading Karen’s book, there are a number of ways to pre-order it here: http://www.chookooloonks.com/books . I haven’t even read it yet, but I’m sure it’s going to be one of those books that I keep within reach for those moments when I feel like throwing in the towel.