We went into IKEA looking for two things: something to replace the old hutch in the dining room and some sort of storage unit with a trash can for the bathroom. We found the thing we want to replace the hutch. It’s name is Billy, but they were all out of Billys (Billies?). The storage unit for the bathroom turned into a whole moment of “we’re completely remodeling the bathroom”. New sink. New sink cabinet. New medicine cabinets. We were going to strip the bathroom down and repaint and then put in all of these new things. Except when we got the area to load up all the pieces, IKEA did not have the sink. So, we bought new cushions for the dining benches, a new light fixture for the hallway, and three boxes for our Billy that we will eventually get.

We got home and unloaded all of the things and then I said “Wait. How are we supposed to turn the light on with this new fixture.” Michael said “I don’t know what you mean. You just turn the light on.” Then I said “But you need a light switch. There’s not a light switch in the hallway.” The current light is a pull a string light comes on system. Michael was still confused, so I had to physically show him the differences between having a light switch and not having a light switch. Then his light switch turned on and he said “Oh no.” The next morning while watching CBS Sunday Morning, I put together my three boxes that are intended for Billy and realized very quickly that those boxes were not going to fit in Billy. They are made to fit the Kallax. The only correct purchases that we made at IKEA were the new cushions on the dining table benches and more kitchen sponges.

It’s fine. We’ve decide to put the new light fixture in the kitchen and I did some reorganizing to use the boxes in our Kallax.

I did a lot of reorganizing this weekend. By the time I decided to stop, I had filled three and half garbage bags with clothes, shoes, bags and some other useless items. Michael joked with the Cabbage that he didn’t know what was going on but that he was just happy he wasn’t in one of those bags. Then I heard Michael say something like “Cindy’s going crazy.” and I cringed while trying not to take it personally. He just thinks that he’s being funny, but what he doesn’t know is that there have been so many moments where I am decluttering because my brain has gone a little crazy. Clearing out useless stuff is an action I can fall back on in the moments I am feeling anxious or out of control. My decluttering moments do seem to put him on edge even though it is my own stuff I’m cleaning out and he’s regularly complaining about not having room his things. He doesn’t see it when I am decluttering to make more space for him or that I hear his complaints about not having a place to put his books and things and I am trying to remedy this for him. His failure to see that I am trying to make space for him makes me feel as if I will never be able to clear out enough space for him. It is a never enough situation.

I did not allow that to happen this weekend. I ignored every little joke or comment on my sanity and I cleared space in my house for me. Not because I was feeling anxious or that I need to feel in control. I cleared it because I want to be able to easily access things in my closet and in my dresser. There were a lot of failures this weekend. Some of those failures were beyond my control. We still do not have a couch and probably won’t for another two weeks. I was unable to make any headway with the dining room furniture. Those three and half garbage bags of no longer useful stuff is a win.

Maybe even a bronze medal level of win.