I was perusing my recent copy of Yoga Journal and it is pretty much two pages of poses and thirty pages of mental health articles. Meditations, doshas, mantras, pranayama. All things for relieving anxiety and depression. As I’m reading through them, I started to question my own mental health. During the weekend, I overheard Chad ask Michael how we all did during the pandemic. Michael said “Cindy did great!” Which tells me that I am deserving of an Academy Award for best actress during a pandemic. I know why he partly believes that I have been just fine and dandy is because I have lost weight, but weight loss is not a good indicator that someone is mentally doing well.

I lost ten pounds when Chris died.

All of my conflict, despair, anger, anxiety…all of that stuff happens internally. I might get a slight tone in my voice or snip back a response to a question I think is a dumb question, but for the most part people do not know that on the inside I am a knotted ball of mess. All of the things I did last year were activities performed as a way of dotting i’s and crossing t’s. I thought that if I just kept moving, everything is would be okay. On top of that, I took on all of the things that required interactions with people outside our household, while doing my best to be supportive of those within my household who were convinced they were going to get COVID and die. I did a lot (still do a lot) to make the lives of those around me easier. I do this even though it is often one sided and I have always done this, but the pandemic added an extra layer of work for me to do and I am tired. How has it become the woman’s job to ensure the comfort of others at the expense of their own comfort?

It is not my responsibility make other’s lives easier.

I feel a shift, something bubbling up inside me that wants a different way of life then the one I am living, a life that isn’t focused on other’s needs and a little more focused on my own needs. Part of this change will require me to reclaim some independence and just do things. I need to stop depending on people who have never really proven themselves to be dependable. I need to dust off my meditation pillow and dig out my journal and colored pencils. I need to remember my own value and I need to start unraveling that ball of mess. Today, I am grateful for recognizing my own needs.