There was an editorial I read the other day about how it’s okay to be okay right now. The author talked about her fears and worries at the beginning of the pandemic. When none of the things she was stressing over happened, she was relieved and grateful. But then she felt guilty for having those feelings. Physiologists call this a meta-emotion.

Feeling guilty about experiencing joy, happiness or wellness during times of crisis is a negative-positive meta-emotion. These secondary feelings are powerful because they are linked to depression and can be an indicator of our level of emotional awareness, the study shows.

There were a number of things in this article that struck different chords with me. Like the author, I had many fears and worries at the beginning of the pandemic. Most of those fears and worries centered around job security and the health of my family. I stressed over what would become of me if I no longer had my usual routine. I was sure I was going to fall into complete ruin. While I still worry about the health of my family and those around us (this virus is still a real thing, there are about 108,000 reported cases in MO, numbers are going up here, not down), I am no longer worried about job security. I adapted and did not fall into complete ruin. There have been real traumas. Some scary and bad shit went down, but we survived it.

Maybe I feel guilty for surviving.

I have never felt deserving of joy, happiness or wellness since Chris died. It is a “I can’t have nice things” mentality. I know this is not true, but it does not stop me from feeling like I am not deserving because I didn’t do enough to hold onto the so much joy and happiness I had with Chris. So finding any kind of ease in this current life seems something I am not worthy of. Look, I know how stupid all of this sounds, but we are our own worst enemies. I also grew up in a home environment where feelings of joy and happiness were only very subtly expressed, if expressed at all. The norm in that house was disappointment and unhappiness. My relationship with Chris was centered around the opposite of my upbringing. We took on the act of finding joy as a daily project. Even in times of crisis.

“When we try to push away negative feelings, they start bubbling up in odd places. So many of us don’t want to feel bad feelings,” she said. “We think of all these negative feelings that we think we shouldn’t have because we should be ‘focused on the positive.’ But until we acknowledge the negative things that are getting us down, we can’t break them down. And that’s what we need to do, break them down.”

Dr. Kirmayer added that it’s also important to normalize negative emotions.

I am guilty of focusing on the positive without acknowledging the negative. Then and now. “Things could be so much worse.” “I’m lucky and fortunate because…” I play off the negative thing because at the end of the day, I am still breathing. Those negative feelings never really go away because I don’t allow time for acknowledgement of those negative feelings. So, I am going to tell you that there have been moments in the past six months that have suuuucked. There have been moments where I have felt like I have been struggling to keep my head above water, moments where I wanted to scream and cry and throw a fit. This is not me complaining. This is me acknowledging the negative feelings. Those feelings are valid. But it does not mean that I am not deserving of some joy and happiness.

I am working on not judging myself and normalizing the truth that I am capable of many emotions and that all of those emotions are valid. In this moment, right now, I am content. My mornings are lovely. I exercise and then take the dog for a walk. When we get home, I leisurely get ready for work. I even have a cup of coffee before I head off to the office. It is quiet in the office, but I still have plenty to keep me busy. Yet I still manage take a moment in the middle of my day to get on my yoga mat. At the end of the day, I am pleasantly tired at the end of the day, worn down from the day’s activities and not the stress of the what if.

I’m okay.

Wear a mask. Social distance. Wash your hands.